We recently got a whole lot of snow here and it has shut down the city (as it always does). I hate snow. I hate snow so much. Just knowing I can’t leave the house (not easily, at least) instantly gives me really terrible cabin fever. I ended up at Waffle House at some point, which always feels nice.
I’m going to continue talking about “that boy” as if I don’t know he reads this. I can’t, of course, necessarily write everything I would want to say, but I knew that when I gave him the link to TSF. It felt right and I still think it was a good idea, regardless of what does, or does not, come from it.
I don’t know what I want, when it comes to relationships. I have never been in a relationship, I have always avoided them. In high school, I was always ‘too gay’ for anyone to want to date me, which lead to me giving up on dating. Same story in college, but I had already given up by then so it didn’t bother me.
Anyway, I am so completely, utterly unsure of what I want in a relationship and this isn’t something I am familiar with. I don’t like it. Usually I am the one who has the answers. Usually I am the person people to come to when they need facts, or when they need an opinion from someone who usually has their head on their shoulders. But in talking with this boy about what ‘we’ are and what ‘we’may become, I just don’t know anything and I don’t know how to deal with that.
Yes, I would like to date this person. Right? I have so many questions of what that even means. But I feel like once you boil it all down, yes, dating this person would be nice.
But I can’t stop asking myself, what do I (or anyone) gain from entering into a relationship? Isn’t a relationship someone who you are really close friends with who you also have sex with? Do we need something formal to have that? Don’t we already have that right now, except that it isn’t formal? I suppose making it formal adds a layer of stability to the thing, which is nice.
Every time we talk about this, I feel like I always go in a circle. I say that yes dating/being in a relationship would be nice (and what I want), but then I start asking all these questions. If I just left off all the questions, then it would be so simple. Yes, I like you a lot and would like to date you.
I just need to go along for the ride on this one, I think. I don’t need to plan it out too much, or even think too much about it. I think if I can just stop doing that, this will be really nice.
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