This Southern Faggot's Blog

I want something, better than this. But I’m not sure exactly what it is.
July 13, 2009, 8:27 pm
Filed under: my head hurts. | Tags:

How do you make people believe that you are okay, when you really are, but you shouldn’t be? Maybe not okay, but not completly fucked up.

I am grateful, obviously, but I don’t want to talk to anyone, for fear of completely, utterly breaking down. The dam that is holding everything back is strong, but not strong enough to actually talk about any of this. When it breaks, I am a complete mess. Water rushing over me. I can’t breathe. I can’t talk or think. I am supposed to be the strong one. I am supposed to be the one to save people from drowning. If I am the one needing help to stay afloat, who will be there?

No one really exists in this town anymore, who I would feel comfortable being a complete wreck around. I need that. More than anything.

I wish that was something you could find on craigslist.


1 Comment so far
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Wouldn’t it be nice if they had a section on CL just for that? I’m all for the m4m anonymous sex section, but there should be a section entitled “Breakdown partner needed”.

I used to always have to babysit my friends who couldn’t handle their drugs, and I had friends babysit me when I took that extra hit of acid even though I knew it was a bad idea. People gladly babysit each other during drug trips…but trying to find a “breakdown babysitter” is a lot more difficult.

Maybe I will put up a CL ad:

“Have you gone off the deep end? Has life finally pushed you over the edge? Do you want to curl up in a fetal position and howl like a terrified feral child without worrying that the torrent of emotion will lead to suicide (or complaints from the neighbors), but you know that you cannot handle it alone? Contact Elián- breakdown babysitter. I’ve had plenty of experience with excruciating, emotionally raw nervous breakdowns of my own, so I am an excellent guide. No charge. Just return the favor someday.”

I hope you find someone you can be a wreck around. It’s scary to go through that on your own.



Comment by Elián Maricón

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