This Southern Faggot's Blog

I forgot to mention. The cast of RENT sang. Omg!
July 18, 2009, 6:22 am
Filed under: Faggot Rant, People to remember | Tags: , ,

Today I put on the absolute most fabulous dress I own, smeared on some lipstick and glitter and went to L’s funeral.

They played all sorts of songs, which were really fun/strange to hear in a funeral home. Including, but not limited, to “She get it from her mama” and “Honkey Tonk Ba-Donk-A-Donk”. I’m not sure Lucie would have picked out all the country, but whatever.

From the very beginning, the service made me uncomfortable. The pastor read something that could not have more male pronouns in it. Clearly in the ‘male words are gender neutral’ way, but it was really unnerving that he wouldn’t think more about that.

Then he started talking about how “L used to be D”. It was too much to handle and I completely lost it and just shut down, with the occasional wave of tears. Then relatives came up and talked about how “she used to be D”. I couldn’t tell you many things from the service, as I had tuned most of the things out, but for some reason, whenever someone said D or used a male pronoun, it seemed to be amplified above everything else and thats all I remember.

Clearly every ones education level is different folks are coming from different places and I recognize that. But I couldn’t help but to think about how the last conversation I had with her, was about her fears of being buried “a man in a dress”, which I can’t help but to hear in “L used to be D” shit.

I ended up going up to the casket and it was just. so. strange. I wanted so much to reach out and touch her face, let her know we got this shit, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Folks put lots of stuff in her casket, which was really nice. I didn’t see any whiskey, though, which I was disappointed in. I meant to leave mine in there when I left, but it was very strange at the end and I couldn’t.

I drank more than I meant to during the service. But every time I heard a “he” or “D”, all I could do to not yell, was to drink.

After the service I was standing over under some trees and one of my good friends came up to me and we talked for a bit and it was really nice. He “gets” a lot more stuff than I feel like most people do, so I tried to talk about my issues with the “D”, but just broke down and sobbed for a while. But thats what I needed. Someone who would understand, who maybe, possibly felt the same way. That 5 minutes with him was more healing for me than the entire day. I am so grateful to have had that.

I think I am good. Or better, at least. I think I am getting to the point where I know I should be, where L would want me to be.

The band I am in played tonight, for the first tiem in FOREVER and we raised $149.30 for Ls mom, which I am excited about.


1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

this is Amy from Indiefucks (dealatedwren) and I just wanted to say hello and tell you I’m sorry about your friend Lucie. Funerals are always weird. I had a friend (who was also in your line of work) who passed away and all I wanted to do when I saw his body was stroke his lovely hair.

Comment by Amy

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: