This Southern Faggot's Blog


Cabin Fever
August 15, 2009, 4:30 am
Filed under: Interesting day, mom | Tags: , ,

Yesterday was such a bizarre day. Not leaving the house for 4 days straight completely fucked up my sense of everything in the world. Part of it was good, because everything seemed brighter and I was seeing lots of things that I never noticed before. But I also felt this overwhelming sense of urgency, to get out of this town. For a few moments yesterday, it felt like the only thing that would make me happy was to move to a big city, like Chicago or NYC.

For some reason I was thinking about the fact that if I wanted to start my life completely over again and live a completely different one, it wouldn’t be possible here. Which for those few moments yesterday, scared the shit out of me. But I don’t want to start my life over again, I really like the one that I have figured out for myself, so I don’t know why I was so worried about that. I think staying in the house for that long completely fucked up my sense of self, at least for a little bit.

I hung out with my mom yesterday and she is a completely different person. She can have conversations now and doesn’t always sleep, which is so exciting. Maybe my mom, dad and I will do something as a family again, like maybe a day trip somewhere like we used to. Maybe my mom will get the strength to go hiking again, like she used to do with me. That would be so much fun.

Reading back over this, I sure said “completely” a lot, didn’t I?

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2 Comments so far
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I like when everything feels brighter — except when it hurts my eyes, of course… Glad you’re better from the flu!

Love —
mattilda

Comment by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore

I think you’re so dead on to realize that another city or “starting over” is not the cure-all. Like people always say, and I still get fussy when I hear this, “wherever you go, there you are”. It is true, however. If you like the life that you have carved out for yourself, stick to it. It’s hard to be brave, whether you’re in a smaller community or a larger one. Believe me, Chicago starts to feel like Gayberry after a while. I never would have believed that a city this size could become the microcosm in which I now operate. I’m glad to see you’re feeling better. Keep writing! Take care of yourself.

Comment by Billy




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