This Southern Faggot's Blog


I talk about ducks more.
November 29, 2009, 5:24 am
Filed under: my head hurts. | Tags: , , , ,

I really like the way this website is put together.

It’s that time of the year where it gets cold and all I ever feel like doing is walking around my town. Shivering (because thats better than feeling nothing) and wondering what other people are doing at this very moment. Not people I know, necessarily, but just people, in general.

I wish I knew how to explain this frequent desire to be alone. Maybe it isn’t a desire to be alone, maybe it is just a desire to be silent and for that silence to be okay. It will pass, it always does, but right now, I just don’t want to talk to anyone if I don’t have to. I would like to sit in the park, listening to the ducks snore-quack and possibly holding someones hand and being silent, but that’s okay.

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Hello
November 27, 2009, 5:18 am
Filed under: Interesting day, People to remember | Tags: , , ,

I have no desire to drink, but I do have the desire to drink whiskey with you, while walking by the river, each sip stinging our throats (mine worse than yours). The pain of each sip is what I enjoy, you enjoy the process of drunkenness.

We talk about vulnerability and both open up ourselves in ways that we didn’t think were possible. We talk about tricks, you find relief in talking about the worst ones, I find it in talking about my favorites. We end up on that floating dock on the river, the one that seems like they would want to keep people off, but make no attempt to. You know the one. We sit there for hours, feet dangling, reaching for the water but not quite making it. A storm is coming, or has already past, we aren’t sure, but the clouds sure are moving fast.

Look at all the light pollution. It makes the clouds absolutely beautiful. We wonder where they are going. Why the rush? I have no desire to leave, you want to float away as fast as possible. Desperately looking for stability, for some sort of stable home.

This whole time I have been nervously picking at my nailpolish, now my nails are a wreck. You notice and don’t say anything.

We both end up holding each other, but I don’t remember when that happened. We both know this won’t lead to much more and thats okay. Sex is easy to find, we both know this. What we really need is someone to sit with and where silence is okay. Together, we have this.

Soon you will get bored with this town, as everyone eventually becomes. You will move away and I will stay behind. Why don’t I have any desire to leave? What is keeping me in a place where I feel constantly so vulnerable that I don’t want to leave the house. The idea of leaving terrifies me more. The idea of going somewhere new, having to start over makes me want to vomit. At the same time, the idea of moving to a new place where no one knows my past is fantastic.

Eventually, we leave the dock and end up back at my house. We fall asleep and in the morning, you already have your plans together for leaving.

Someday maybe I will be able to leave. Until then, people will come and go, but something will hold me here. Maybe someday I will find out what.



God damnit
November 20, 2009, 7:50 pm
Filed under: my head hurts. | Tags:

Yesterday, the person that I am closest to in the whole world, found out that he tested positive (ELISA and Western blot) for HIV.

I am so upset at him. I wish I could stab him for every time he justified bare back topping, because the HIV transmission rates are statistically low. I wish I could hit him, scream at him, whatever it takes, but that wouldn’t do any good. Clearly.

I need to get over this before I can be any real help to him, but I don’t know how. I can’t just forget and go on, as much as I wish I could. I don’t know how to not be really, really upset at him.

How could he fucking let so much ride on numbers.



Elephant 6
November 16, 2009, 8:04 pm
Filed under: People to remember | Tags: ,

For most of my life, I have kept to my self. As a kid, I would climb trees, talk to animals, play in the creek, walk through the woods, whatever I had to do to make it. To survive. I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing at the time, but now I get it.

Middle school was really, really rough for me. I did such a good job of forcing myself to forget, that now all I could tell you is where I went to school. I vaguely remember what the front of the building looked like. I have no desire to go back and never will. It is the only school I have ever gone where I have no desire to return. To remember anything about it.

After middle school, I became slightly more social and developed a few good friends, but I still kept to myself a whole lot. This is about the time I discovered the band Of Montreal and then, the Elephant 6 Recording Company, which was just a bunch of friends making music. Elephant 6 quickly became my best friends and felt more like family more than my bio-family ever did. I couldn’t get enough and I horded as much of it that I could, all through high school.

Elephant 6 is all but dead at this point, but I often think back to those times and I really, really don’t think I would be here, today, without all of that wonderful music. What a fucking weird thing to think about.

Anyway, about a year ago, my computer, amung other things, were stolen from me. Ever since then, I haven’t listened to much music at all. I didn’t miss it at the time, but now I am going through the long process of re-importing all that music to my new computer and it is kind of overwhelming. I just want to curl up and cry and giggle, at the same time and never leave my house again. I have a lot of really amazing stuff and I can’t wait to re-discover it all again.

I have missed you, a whole lot.

I think what Elephant 6 meant for us is very simple: there’s something pure and infinite in you, that wants to come out of you, and can come out of no other person on the planet. That’s what you’ve got to share, and that’s as real and important as the fact that you’re alive. We were able, at a really young age, to somehow protect each other so we could feel that. The world at large, careerism, money, magazines, your parents, the people at the rock club in your town, other kids, nothing is going to give you that message, necessarily. In fact, most things are going to lead you away from it, sadly, because humanity is really confused at the moment. But you wouldn’t exist if the universe didn’t need you. And any time I encounter something beautiful that came out of a human somewhere, that’s them, that’s their own soul. That’s just pure, whatever its physicality is, if the person can play piano, if they can’t play piano, if they’re tone deaf, whatever it is, if it’s pure, it hits you like a sledgehammer. It fills up your own soul, it makes you want to cry, it makes you glad you’re alive, it lets you come out of you. And that’s what we need: we desperately need you.

Julian Koster



hair hair hair
November 13, 2009, 1:28 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important, What is this shit? | Tags:

For a lot of my life, I have had long hair. I mean, I had a bowl cut for a long time, which I guess is long.

I  used to have a name for my bowl cut that wasn’t “bowl cut”. I think kids I knew called it a skater cut, or something like that. Looking back, I don’t even know what that means.

Anyway. For a lot of my life I had long hair, but I have never considered myself to be someone with long hair. I don’t think about my hair currently and think about it being long, I just think about it being cute. Which I think it is. I guess.

Anyway. I see pictures of me that are taken from behind and my immediate response is almost “Who the fuck is that long haired fuck”. It always takes me a long time to realize that is actually what I look like from behind. I have long hair. People look at the back of my head and all they know is that I. Have. Long. Hair.

This is really strange to me. I wish the front could look like the back. You know, cute and choppy. I guess that is possible. Maybe from the front it looks just as tragic as it does in the back. And maybe the back isn’t really that tragic, it’s just tragically boring. I need something happening back there. I mean, I like the length, but I need something, you know, maybe like something that moves.

Maybe I could get a little plastic doll that sat in my hair and waved at people. Maybe it could have a little umbrella that it spun while I whistled a tune.

Wait. I can’t whistle. Never in my life have I been able to whistle on purpose. Sometimes on accident, like a really tragic lisp, but instead a whistle. But only sometimes. Because it only happens sometimes, it always catches me off guard. I hope I don’t look visibly confused and/or frightened when it happens.

Anyway. My hair is long in the back and in the front. End of the story.



Is all my hair falling out?
November 12, 2009, 9:24 pm
Filed under: Interesting day, People to remember | Tags: , ,

Big news. The camera on my computer started working again, so I have been on cam4.com non-stop. I need to start charging people for this shit.

Today I had a really refreshing conversation with a local org. who is really interested in setting up a needle exchange and housing for Queer and Trans homeless kids. Clearly neither of these things will happen anytime soon, but we both apparently think a lot a like and just that was really refreshing. We drove by the house that I had opened up that needs water pipes and she was super excited about it.

I really enjoy the various smells that people have. I really hate that I know what some of y’all look like, but don’t know what you smell like.



Sheesh
November 10, 2009, 3:26 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important | Tags: , , , ,

My roomate and I went to the health department to get tested and it turned out to be a lot of fun. I am completely terrified of the getting-poked-with-needles process, but it was okay.

I got these fabulous acrylic nails a few days ago, but couldn’t function at all with them. I only kept them on for 4 days, but it was a really fabulous, fun 4 days.

img_0171

The process of removing these things was really time consuming and disgusting and made the whole thing completely not worth it. BUT, my natural nails are growing out and I have stopped biting them. YAY!

I have this problem where I become completly obsessed (addicted?) to places. For instance, for a large part of my life, people would not call me, but just drive by the Waffle House to see if I was sitting there. Chances were, I was. I continually need to have places like this in my life, but right now, their aren’t any close to me. I would kill for a Waffle House within walking distance of me.

Why can’t I ever get anything done at my house? Sheesh.