This Southern Faggot's Blog

November 27, 2009, 5:18 am
Filed under: Interesting day, People to remember | Tags: , , ,

I have no desire to drink, but I do have the desire to drink whiskey with you, while walking by the river, each sip stinging our throats (mine worse than yours). The pain of each sip is what I enjoy, you enjoy the process of drunkenness.

We talk about vulnerability and both open up ourselves in ways that we didn’t think were possible. We talk about tricks, you find relief in talking about the worst ones, I find it in talking about my favorites. We end up on that floating dock on the river, the one that seems like they would want to keep people off, but make no attempt to. You know the one. We sit there for hours, feet dangling, reaching for the water but not quite making it. A storm is coming, or has already past, we aren’t sure, but the clouds sure are moving fast.

Look at all the light pollution. It makes the clouds absolutely beautiful. We wonder where they are going. Why the rush? I have no desire to leave, you want to float away as fast as possible. Desperately looking for stability, for some sort of stable home.

This whole time I have been nervously picking at my nailpolish, now my nails are a wreck. You notice and don’t say anything.

We both end up holding each other, but I don’t remember when that happened. We both know this won’t lead to much more and thats okay. Sex is easy to find, we both know this. What we really need is someone to sit with and where silence is okay. Together, we have this.

Soon you will get bored with this town, as everyone eventually becomes. You will move away and I will stay behind. Why don’t I have any desire to leave? What is keeping me in a place where I feel constantly so vulnerable that I don’t want to leave the house. The idea of leaving terrifies me more. The idea of going somewhere new, having to start over makes me want to vomit. At the same time, the idea of moving to a new place where no one knows my past is fantastic.

Eventually, we leave the dock and end up back at my house. We fall asleep and in the morning, you already have your plans together for leaving.

Someday maybe I will be able to leave. Until then, people will come and go, but something will hold me here. Maybe someday I will find out what.


1 Comment so far
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I love this, it echoes so much a wistfullness I feel for a similar person in my life.

Comment by Cyd

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