This Southern Faggot's Blog

Oh the wildlife
September 29, 2010, 4:45 pm
Filed under: Ducks, Nothing Terribly Important | Tags: , , ,

At my old house, we had a whole lot of squirrels. Like, a terrifyingly cute amount of them, everywhere, always.

At my new house, we have a whole lot of cardinals and blue jays. Blue jays sound like they might be nice, but they are really mean and terribly loud.

Cardinals are nice, though. How could you go wrong with a bright red bird?

I kind of miss the squirrels, though.

Oh, and the ducks. I really, really miss having the ducks near my house. I think about them almost every day.


Kids Say The Darndest Things

I am thinking about being much younger and hanging out in the library, secretly reading the ~*gay books*~. You know, ones talking about being ~*gay*~ in high school, or maybe even middle school.

I remember not wanting anyone to know so I refused to check out the books, because my parents could look and see what books I had checked out, right? I mean, ANYONE could have looked, right?

Anyway, for weeks at a time I would spend all my free time in the library, reading books about whatever gay fiction I could get my hands on, which, looking back wasn’t that much actually. I might have actually just read the same book over and over again.

I was thinking about this one specific book and I am wondering if I should check it out and re read it. Actually, no, I don’t think I would check it out. I think maybe I would read it, hiding in the library like I used to do. Sitting for hours where I knew no one could see me, but just in case, I had another book with me. You know, in case I needed to cover up the real book I was reading.

I find myself thinking about this time in my life and part of me misses it.

Part of me misses the (cheap) thrill I was able to get, from thinking that someone, somehow, didn’t already know I was a faggot.

Or that anyone actually cared.

Things aren’t that exciting anymore. Things aren’t really exciting, at all, as of lately. I am chatting with people far away on the phone and they want to know what is new, what projects I am working on, you know, all of that. I am having trouble thinking of anything, at all.

I have, have, have to fix this. It feels like I am just sitting around, waiting to get older, so that I can settle down on a farm or a house or something. Which, is a really good goal for me to have, but I need to convince myself that yes, that day will hopefully get here some day, but it isn’t here now and won’t be here for years. I need to figure out what makes me happy, right here and now, not only thinking about how happy I will be on a farm or some house where I can start all those long term projects.

Animal Farm
September 27, 2010, 9:57 pm
Filed under: People I wish I could forget, Rants, The new hose | Tags: ,

So at our new house, we used to have these neighbors, who lived under us. They were very cranky, complained a whole lot about very small things we did (watering the plants outside their window, walking around our house, etc), but they are gone now, which is such good news!

But apparently next door to our house, lives this very cranky Vietnam vet. Now, let me tell you something about this man. He obsessed with nooses. Any thing that he can tie a noose in, he will. Some examples!

On his hiking stick, he has a “Tigger” doll, hanging with a noose around it’s neck and he has written “HA” on its stomach. Another good example would be his cats leash. Not to worry, I don’t think the end around the cat’s neck is a noose (but it could be, I have not gotten close enough to see), but the other end, the end you would hold, is tied in a noose. Here is a picture of said cat.

So, this man is obsessed with nooses and apparently, his cat. More on this.

The other day, I found this really sweet dog, which a pet for a while and then it followed me home. Here is a picture.

Things you should know about this dog (whos home I eventually found) is that she is very, very old, slow moving, sweet and while she was with me, refused to leave my side. I eventually made her go outside to walk home, but she just laid down in front of my door and as far as I know, did not move at all until I came back out a hour or two later.

So I have set up a few characters in the story, but a quick recap. We have a Vietnam vet who loves nooses and his cat, a really sweet old dog and then you have me. Clearly I have given you chosen information about everyone involved, made one side look intentionally bad and one side intentionally good, but this is how I see it.

The story goes like this.

I was outside, working in my garden and the dog was laying the shade of the car port. The Vietnam vet (VV) comes out and tells me that he saw the dog around his house, smelling the ground! He let me know that he was certain that the dog was smelling his cat and told me that if the dog came after his cat, he would kill it. I let him know that it was not my dog and would be gone soon, but I also let him know that I thought that was really rash and uncalled for, to kill this dog just because he thought it wanted to “get” his cat. So he apologized a couple of times for thinking it was my dog, but then when I told him that was not the part I cared about. The part I cared about was him telling me that the first action he would take against this dog “getting” at his cat, would be to kill it. I told him I thought that was really rash and told him that a better first action would be to talk to me. He told he that it was “his cat” and the law says he could protect his property (which, isn’t true, but that is not the point). We went back and fourth a while and he kept talking over me, so I told him I was not having anymore of that and went back inside, with the dog.

Later, I am outside again and he comes out and we just go through the exact same thing as before. He does not understand that it is uncalled for to tell someone you are going to kill their dog, just for trying to “get at” your cat. Between now and then, I have him tell 3 people (2 neighbors and the mail person) that if my dog “got at” his cat, he was going to kill it. I am sure he has told more people, but this is all I have heard. Why does he keep telling people this, I don’t know.

Anyway, I know what you might be thinking. If you are like me, you are thinking that he must just really love his cat, so you can understand that he would want to protect it.

Yesterday I was watching him mull about his dirt and gravel yard (a new favorite event of mine) and he was cleaning up some stuff, spraying it down and what not. His cat was outside and he needed to get the cat to move, so intentionally sprayed it (with the water hose, not a little spray bottle), to make it move, instead of picking it up. Then, later in the day, I saw him move his cat TWICE by picking it up by the leash attached to its collar (so, picking it up by its neck) is throwing it a couple of feet.

So now I don’t really know what to do. I have this neighbor who is telling everyone in the neighborhood, essentially, that he loves his cat enough to defend it do the death of another animal. But then I see him abusing the same cat, over and over again.

At this point, I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know if this is something I can talk to my landlords about, or if their is even anything they can do. I know that no state service or the Humane Society will be much help with.

She Called
September 22, 2010, 8:02 pm
Filed under: mom | Tags: , ,

She Called again. I have not heard from her since our lat conversation. I mean, I guess that goes without saying, of course I have not heard from her since we last talked.

What I mean is that, I have not heard from her in a while, a week or two maybe. I guess I don’t notice when I go weeks without talking to her, I only notice when I actually make the mistake of picking up the phone.

I dread her now sober phone calls more than her past drunken ones. Now she notices when I don’t return her “I love you”s. Now she will just keep repeating it until she squeezes those three, completely empty words from me.

I don’t love you. I used to, at least I thought I did, back when I didn’t understand. Back when my dad used to be able to hide all the small things he did for me, but let me believe that she did them. Back when he wanted nothing more, than for me to have a functioning mother.

Back when I used to make crafts and things for my parents in school. Actually, thinking back I only ever used to make things for my mother. It never even occurred to me to make things for my father. I don’t remember why, but looking back I am wondering if I knew that he cared for me, so I didn’t even feel like I had to bother. He was the one who was actually in my life, who would drive me places, take me out and try to explain to my what was happening when she was “out of it”.

There’s that fucking phrase, the one that I grew up hearing and never understood what it actually meant, but I defiantly understood what it meant for me. It means don’t talk to mommy, don’t listen to anything she says and for the love of fuck don’t let her drive or out of the house. Sometimes we would fail and we would find her somewhere in the neighborhood, in her underwear, trying to knock on peoples doors. Looking back, I have no idea how the fuck my dad and I ever made it.

But I want to go back and think more about the relationship between my mother, father and me, growing up.

On the phone, you keep telling me that the doctor says you are sane. You went and took the test and everything! You just keep letting me know that, you wear it like a gold star on your fucking chest. It is almost like that is all you need to convinve yourself that you are a fantastic person. A fucking fantastic (and functioning?) mother.

I am intentionally making this all difficult on my self, I know this. I could be done with her forever if I just let her think everything was alright. All I have to do to make her stop haunting me is let her think I forgive her and then we can go back to like we were before, pretending that everything is alright. All I have to do is forgive her for being completely absent for most of my childhood and life. Forgive her for making a kid try to tell their friends what is going on with their mother. Like that one time a friend of mine was over and we were watching a movie and you walked into my room in nothing but your off-white-from-pissing-the-bed-so-much underwear, mumbled something and walked back out.

But wait, let’s go back to the conversation we had today. In an attempt to make me forgive you, you fucking tell me about your alcoholic dad. You let me know that you know how hard it is to deal with an alcoholic parent, you have been there and you know how I feel. I am completely speech less, because I don’t know how that is supposed to make me feel any better. This actually just makes everything worse. Now you are now claiming to know exactly how you are making me feel and you did nothing about it. You know how shitty it is, but still all you want me to do is forgive you. You should have recognized the fucking signs, read the writing on the walls and realized that a box of wine every 2 nights is not okay.

Sometimes I think about letting you read the stuff I wrote as a kid. You know, when I started writing because I was finally able to name your sickness as alcoholism. But doing that would be opening up far, far more to you than I have ever in the past.

Talking to my mother is difficult, because I don’t know what I want to hear from her. I don’t want a sorry, because I am not sorry for how things turned out or how I was raised. I would not change any of it, ever, because I know that had a part in forming who I am today. I also don’t want a sorry, because a sorry won’t go back and comfort a 12 year old kid crying in the attic, or in the back yard, or down the street or in the woods. She wants me to be able to say “I want you to say/do A, B, C and D and then everything will be alright”, but I could never do that.

You need to understand that I am just figuring out how to deal with all of this. I can’t deal with you, because I have not dealt with this yet. Maybe someday, in 5 or 10 years, I will be able to sit down with you and we can figure something out.

But I would not recommend holding your breath.

College days
September 22, 2010, 4:49 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important | Tags:

I am looking back through photos from the “Queer/Straight Alliance” my roommate and I started back in college. Looking back is very strange, because while my politics have completely changed since then, I am still proud of the shit that we did on that campus. Some of it was your generally coming out day type stuff, which is pretty boring. But other times we would do big art installs and stand on the corner of the busiest intersection in town and hold signs for “Queer Equality”. I know, I know, it sounds pretty hum drum.. and it completely was.

But, the town that we were doing this all in only had 3 zip codes, 10,500 people and a political climate that was, well, church based. It is when I think of this that I get really reminiscent of those days and all the really silly things we did.

I was not able to stay in that awful place, but some people I knew when I went to school, are still there. I sometimes wonder what would have happened to me if I had stayed, where I would be today, what my politics might look like. All of this is somewhat terrifying to think about today.

Not leaving the house today, I bet
September 20, 2010, 5:57 pm
Filed under: Interesting day, New projects, The new hose | Tags: , ,

My roomate got another job, which I am very excited about because that means I can sit around the house and spend all day reading and working on projects, without being bothered.

I have been buying a lot of gardening books recently and most of them are okay, but I just started “The Urban Homestead” and it is really, really well written and laid out. Also, their is a section on dumpster diving, which I think is really good to have in a book like this.

Here are some things going on outside my house.

This is the dwarf banana plant that I got in Memphis. It is doing so much better than I ever expected it to and grows a new leaf once a week! My roomate calls it the cigar plant, because the rolled up leaves look like cigars.

Beets! The beets, kale and arugula have all started to come out of the ground. Cabbage should be here soon and the cauliflower and brussels sprouts are doing great.Yesss

We have this little car shed in the back and I just finished getting gutters installed on it, hopefully my rain barrel will be coming today.

This is the perfect tree to build a little tree fort in. I probably won’t do anything too big, but I certainlywill be building a ladder up to the top soon.

And it would not be a good southern house without a huge fucking magnolia tree out front. That is my huge 2 story house to the left of the tree, for size comparison. Isn’t my front door cute?

This is the view under the magnolia tree. You can’t really tell from this picture, but their is a whole lot of perfectly shaded open space for chairs and benches, I need to work on that. Sitting under this thing is wonderful.

the internet
September 20, 2010, 4:40 am
Filed under: Thinking Thinking | Tags: ,

It is always really interesting to hear people talk about the internet.

Talk about how it has changed our lives, but for the better?

Do we spend too much time on the internet, what is the internet doing to ~*the children*~, facebook, facebook, facebook.

Do you know the conversation I am talking about?

I find these conversations interesting, because it always makes me wonder if I would even be alive today if I had not been able to chat with people on the internet.

Would not having the internet forced me to go out and find other Queers, as a kid? Not likely, at all.

Their used to be this website that I was obsessed with, which no longer exists (mogenic), but I remember the feeling of staying up super late, chatting with people on it. I would never meet with anyone, but sometimes we would chat on the phone and I remember that being the best feeling in the world. I knew that we were not going to meet, but that didn’t matter at the time. Having that resource, in this southern town (which felt small at the time, I would not call it that now) was amazing and probably life saving.