This Southern Faggot's Blog

Kids Say The Darndest Things

I am thinking about being much younger and hanging out in the library, secretly reading the ~*gay books*~. You know, ones talking about being ~*gay*~ in high school, or maybe even middle school.

I remember not wanting anyone to know so I refused to check out the books, because my parents could look and see what books I had checked out, right? I mean, ANYONE could have looked, right?

Anyway, for weeks at a time I would spend all my free time in the library, reading books about whatever gay fiction I could get my hands on, which, looking back wasn’t that much actually. I might have actually just read the same book over and over again.

I was thinking about this one specific book and I am wondering if I should check it out and re read it. Actually, no, I don’t think I would check it out. I think maybe I would read it, hiding in the library like I used to do. Sitting for hours where I knew no one could see me, but just in case, I had another book with me. You know, in case I needed to cover up the real book I was reading.

I find myself thinking about this time in my life and part of me misses it.

Part of me misses the (cheap) thrill I was able to get, from thinking that someone, somehow, didn’t already know I was a faggot.

Or that anyone actually cared.

Things aren’t that exciting anymore. Things aren’t really exciting, at all, as of lately. I am chatting with people far away on the phone and they want to know what is new, what projects I am working on, you know, all of that. I am having trouble thinking of anything, at all.

I have, have, have to fix this. It feels like I am just sitting around, waiting to get older, so that I can settle down on a farm or a house or something. Which, is a really good goal for me to have, but I need to convince myself that yes, that day will hopefully get here some day, but it isn’t here now and won’t be here for years. I need to figure out what makes me happy, right here and now, not only thinking about how happy I will be on a farm or some house where I can start all those long term projects.


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