This Southern Faggot's Blog


Foggy Eyes

I love everything about tonight. I have so much energy, but where did it come from?

I had energy to go to a show. Kind of a house show, but not really in a house. To deal with drunk faggots. You know the ones. After introductions they ask “no really, what’s your name?” or, you can tell (honey, you can ALWAYS tell) that they don’t want to talk to you anymore because they think you started the conversation off by lieing to them, just by telling them your name.

I left the show early and told people that I needed to go to bed, but that was a lie. This time I really was lieing. Something didn’t feel right. Somehow it felt like a safe space of mine was invaded by people who made it very un-safe. But I don’t know why I would feel like this. I have only been in this house once.

On my ride home, I realized that it was one of THOSE nights that I love. The nights early in fall/winter that cause your eyes to fog up when you are riding your bike. I love seeing the world through a layer of fog, everything looks wonderful.

Less dangerous, maybe.

It is one of those nights early in the fall/winter where I am constantly shivering. I don’t have any shoes or pants, because I turned last years winter pants into this years summer shorts. But now it is getting close to being this winter and I don’t have anything to keep the lower half of my body warm. I need to find my tights.

This time of year reminds me of turning tricks. It reminds me of how tricks houses always feel so terribly hot and uncomfortable, because they actually use their heaters. I imagine they crank the heat up before I get there, because you do that for company.

But then I sweat. Everywhere.

I haven’t turned a trick in a terribly long time. I think about it a whole lot, especially recently. I don’t open up to anyone anymore, so maybe it would feel so natural.

I find myself talking to people I know, like they are tricks. You know, keeping conversations going really well, but also constantly steering it where you want it to go. Nothing too personal, nothing too in depth, nothing that would require too much energy.

Never letting the conversation get too close, but never letting anyone know.

If I am doing this all the time anyway, maybe I should go ahead and start getting paid for it again. I have a bunch of projects in my head that I would love to have funds for, what could be better?

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