This Southern Faggot's Blog


Try and try again

I have spent enough time thinking about all the reasons I don’t really want to turn tricks anymore. If I keep thinking about why I shouldn’t, then I never will. And I need some money pretty fucking bad.

Getting back into the grove of things is surprisingly easy. Well, maybe that should not be surprising. I have been out of business so long, that I don’t think anyone recognizes me anymore, which I think is a good thing. I went back through old e-mails and re-emailed everyone, telling them I was looking for dates again. Only two people wrote me back.

One of the guys was an old regular of mine, but he ONLY wants to have a party of 3 and he wants me to bring the third. But honey, everyone is so uptight in this town, I don’t know anyone who would want to party for money. Actually, if I just didn’t tell them that their was money involved, I bet I could get them to do it, but that would be un ethical, or something.

The other guy is really funny and apparently LOVES to suck dick. Like, obsessed with it. Which seems pretty easy, but I am “eh” on getting my dick sucked. I mean, I am pretty over all that vanilla shit. I just want to be bitten, have my hair pulled and have them lick me all over. Even in the secret places that I love, but kind of hate at the same time. You know, those places. It is kind of ticklish, but in the good way?

Fuck, I need to turn a trick this week. Badly.

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Franksgiving
November 25, 2010, 12:51 am
Filed under: Ducks, Interesting day | Tags: , ,

The weather down here has been so fucking strange lately. A few weeks ago, it got below freezing. Today it was 76. I mean, it is amazing that we are having one more taste of spring before we are plunged into winter, but it would be really nice to coast gently into it. You know?

My poor plants, I am having to constantly cover and uncover them, because its too warm during the day for their cover to stay on :/ I am sorry plants!

Some pictures!

Look at those colors! All so close!

I pass by this tree stump almost every. And almost everyday it has something new on it.

This is my favorite part. Munch munch munch

Ducks really, really like getting fed. Once food comes out, they all know and start running (waddling, mostly) as fast as they can. You can see it in their eyes.



Relationships?
November 14, 2010, 5:52 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important | Tags: , , ,

It is so strange to think about how un-important romantic relationships are, for me, right now. I mean, when I was younger, I used to be sad all the time because I would sit around and think about being lonely and think about how much I felt like I needed someone in my life. But now I don’t think that at all and I am not sure why.

So right now, I am completely un-interested in relationships and sex. I mean, in theory, I would consider myself a fun fuck, or kinky, or whatever. But in practice, I would rather read a book.

I imagine if I moved to a city where their was actually a population of Queers and Trans folk who were politically interesting and not rabid assimilationists, then maybe I would be interested in talking to someone. But down here, I have been fucked over by far, far too many people to ever even attempt that again.

I guess in reality, it would be impossible for me to really know how I feel about relationships. I think that I have mentally put up too many mental walls to protect myself, most that I don’t know about, that I could never know, down here in this climate, what I really think about relationships. Someone else, maybe. Maybe I would attempt such a thing in another town, where I had a little more faith.

Maybe if I found someone who was more interesting than a book, I would be willing to spend the time (and energy. The energy!) perusing some sort of fun fuck session. But I have not, so don’t. Turning pages is just more fun than anyone I know down here. Sorry y’all.

But the weirdest part of all, is that I am not sure if I am a cuddler anymore. Back when I was having sex, I would always choose cuddleing over sex, but I am not sure I would even have fun with cuddling anymore. It. Has. Been. So. Long.



I mean, this is just insane
November 10, 2010, 6:19 pm
Filed under: Mother | Tags:

My mother is in the hospital again. This time she fell and broke her arm.

After my dad took her to the hospital he found a bunch of bottles of wine under the bathroom sink. Apparently she is going through terrible withdrawals right now and is just talking about how the house is being torn down. She keeps trying to leave and they might have to strap her to the bed. Right now my dad is having to sleep outside of her room all night, to make sure she does not leave. He won’t stay in her room though, because she is too insane right now.

I hate her so much. I hate that she is doing this to my dad. I hate that my dad isn’t mad at her. I hate hearing him say that he does not care about the impact this is having on him, but only worries about the animals left at the house when they are not home. “No one is home to play with them!”. Actually I kind of love that.

My mother is one lucky motherfucker, anyone else in the world would have had her institutionalized long ago.

I fucking hate her so much. She probably knows that and that probably makes her drink more. I used to hate thinking about that because it made me feel really guilty, but I don’t feel guilty anymore.

I hate that when she dies, I will have to find nice things to say about her, other wise people would probably call me an “asshole” for only having negative things to say about my dead mother.

I don’t have anything nice to say. I used to think that she was nice because she let the cats drink out of the toilet, maybe that will be my one nice thing to say.



Is this real life?
November 10, 2010, 2:20 pm
Filed under: People I wish I could forget | Tags: ,

Yesterday I had a faggot tell me that it was okay that he fucked up and called me “sir”, because I called him “darling”, which is clearly degrading because that is a ‘feminine term’.

Fucking hell.



High school, DADT. That’s all
November 10, 2010, 4:17 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important | Tags: , ,

For a long time, I was somewhat on the fence on the DADT issue. I mean, clearly I don’t support americas war machiene and I think that anything that is done to reduce its power is amazing. But sometimes, it does feel shitty like things like this exist.

But, I am done having this fucking conversation with faggots who don’t give a shit. If all you want is a sound byte, then “This Queer opposes the repeal of DADT”.

In other news, I have this temporary job teaching at a high school and yesterday was my first day to physically be there while school was happening. I didn’t realize how stressful entering back into the high school environment was going to be, but when that bell rang and I was instantly swarmed by high school kids not that much younger than myself, I almost had a nervous breakdown.

I can’t believe I am still having these reactions. Will this ever go away?



Trina

Recently, I have had no energy to do anything. But last night, I had so much energy to do everything. I mean, I guess that is what that feeling was.

Anyway, it is hard to tell what is more overwhelming, no energy to do anything, or all the energy to do EVERYTHING. Of course this hit me late last night, so all I could do was talk around my neighborhood and think about projects, which I have not done in a long time.

I usually don’t pass over this one street, because I always assumed everything on that side would be new to me so I would end up walking around all night. But last night I crossed that street and I realized that I used to be in that neighborhood all the time. Somehow I didn’t realize that I lived so closely. Of course, all the assholes I knew there moved out because they were tired of living in ‘the dangerous ghetto’, but I just walked around.

Something about the mood I was in made everything look new, beautiful and amazing. The light and shadows of everything, things I have seen before, so amazing.

Maybe what I was experiencing was hope for the future. Now that this syringe exchange project is coming up, I actually have something to work on and look forward to, aside from petting cats and looking at my garden.

Anyway, as I was walking home, I met this amazing woman named Trina and even though she was trying to turn a trick, we still talked for a while. She is a couple of months pregnant and used to be a IV user, but stopped when she knew she was pregnant. She is HIV+ and currently homeless and had so much fucking energy coming from her, it was amazing.

Even though her daddy (her words) was circling us the entire time, we were still able to have this fabulous conversation and I ended up meeting him really briefly and he seemed to be really nice. When I went back home, we started talking via text and I ended up taking her some coffee, bananas, condoms and pepper spray. I think we are supposed to get together tonight, I hope we do.