This Southern Faggot's Blog


A letter to my mother. Only, what, 12 years too late.
May 27, 2011, 2:48 am
Filed under: Mother | Tags:

Mother,

This letter was much longer before. Now it will be short and sweet. But before I edited it, I explained why I am so angry at you. I explained all the fucked up things I have seen you do and I explained how your drinking problem has fucked up our family.

I tried to explain all of this, but I decided it was not worth it. I tried to explain to you in the past, but you always made it about someone else. You tried to tell me about how good of a mother you really were, you always make it someone else’s responsibility.

You have caused dad and me a lot of pain in the past. I am upset that you put him through all of this and I am upset at you for every single time he had to lie to a friend about why you could not make it to an event, because you were “sick”. Or every time he had to lie to someone about why you were in the hospital.

I thought you were getting better. Last time we ate with Jeremy, I thought I had seen a little glimmer of hope in your eye that you were really going to be able to give up drinking. You even made a joke that I was able to laugh at, at least a little. That has not happened in… well, 12+ years.

But tonight, you came to dinner completely fucked up. You could hardly stand, your speech was slurred, your make-up was tragic and you had on way too much perfume. If I have learned anything from you, I have learned how to tell when you are drunk. Trust me, I know.

Somehow you managed to not fall down once going to or from the restaurant, which was the highlight of the night. A pretty shitty night was clearly had. You argued with the waitress about if they really had halibut or not and you KEPT ON ASKING about it. She was amazing and was able to deal with your drunken stupor in an incredible way. I feel more sorry for her than I do for you. You spilled food all over yourself and the floor. You made me very, very mad and I have never felt more embarrassed than entering this place with my stumbling, drunk off her ass mother.

As we were leaving, I was almost shaking with rage. Walking back to the car, if you had fallen, I would have thought long and hard about kicking you.

Yes, that is where our relationship is right now.

I am upset that I thought you could change. For another time in my life, I feel like you have tricked me.

You always ask me what you would have to do to fix our relationship. Like you could possibly do something that would make me forget the years of pain and the years of having a mother who was not mentally present in my life.

What could you do to fix our relationship? Nothing. At this point, you literally could do nothing to fix this. Before tonight, I might have told you that remaining sober for 10 years would show me how much you really cared about mending our relationship. But now, you have no options.

Here is what our relationship will look like now. You will still see me, because I have to see you to see dad, no working around that. When dad leaves town, I will come over as much as possible to make sure that you have not fallen down again, in another drunken stupor. For the past few years, I have been giving you empty “I love yous”, because I had to or you would get upset. I am over that now, please don’t ever say the phrase I love you to me again, especially if you expect me to return it.

But, before I end this letter, let me thank you for a couple of things.

First : Growing up with a non-functioning alcoholic mother has taught me the dangers of alcohol and has shown me how much it can fuck up someones life. I won’t have to go through this process myself now, because I have already seen you go through it. So for that, thank you for letting me use you as an example for myself. I know the symptoms of an alcoholic and I hope that I will be able to catch those in people I love, down the line. Thank you for that.

Second: I think that having a somewhat non-traditional family (Working father, non-functioning alcoholic mother) helped shape the current politics that I have today, which I am very grateful for. Because of you, I have a first hand example of how truly abusive and damaging a family unit can be and how that can effect the other people in the family.

That’s it.

Sincerely,

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I’m ready
May 13, 2011, 5:21 am
Filed under: The weather! | Tags:

I’m ready for this.

This has been our first true summer night. A night that is¬†oppressively¬†hot and humid and I just got back from a walk. The instant you go outside, you feel like you need a shower (but you don’t, of course).

Just from walking outside, I was more emotionally stimulated than I have been in… months, really. This weather reminds me many summers ago, the summer that I loved. The summer I went to house shows every night, the summer I was constantly outside, or on my bike, or walking around at night.

This summer is going to be good. Somehow I already know. I have a project that I can pour all my time into. A project that it looking more and more possible every day. This summer is going to be good because I think I am okay with staying here. My plants are doing great and I think this summer is going to be a happy one.