This Southern Faggot's Blog

I love it
June 11, 2011, 2:42 pm
Filed under: Mother | Tags: ,

What is it about young adult gay fiction that I love so much?

I can’t help but to read these books and think about my own childhood and growing up. What if things had been different? Not in the “I wish they had been different” but just, “What if”?

What if I had dated boys when I was younger. Or at least awkwardly held hands.

Why have these things never been important to me? Why have I never been on a ‘date’ in my entire life and why am I okay with that? Looking at the culture around me, I should not be okay with that at all. But I am.

Is this some fort of defense mechanism?

Thinking back, this might be one of the things that I regret most about my childhood. I never had those cute awkward moments with people you think are cute. I want to know what that is like. But in that moment, I would also have been making myself very vulnerable. But maybe that is part of growing up, but the part that I worked so hard to avoid.

My mother write me a letter the other day.

“I am not indulging in wine anymore. It’s been an effort (somewhat) – but I’m winning and will stay a winner… I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Love, Mom”

For the first time, she is acknowledging her drinking problem.

I never gave her the letter I wrote. I want to and I need to, but I just can’t be responsible for hurting someone that much. If I was to tell her everything that I was feeling, it would destroy her. To the point I would be worried about her committing suicide. I can’t be responsible for that, I can’t even imagine how I would start to deal with that.