This Southern Faggot's Blog


Identity politics
December 25, 2011, 4:01 am
Filed under: Thinking Thinking | Tags: ,

I have been having a lot of issues about my identity, specifically the politics around (my) identity, but even more specifically, this weird dance between the perceived identity vs. my actual identity. Or, what I think my identity is, I guess.

I have been noticing changes in the way I carry myself and I realize that to most people this will sound trivial as shit… but is it?

The struggle between my gender identity vs. how I want to present myself vs. how I am able to present myself has always existed. In the past, my external identity was important to me. It was part of my gender identity… maybe a big part. I knew I wasn’t being seen as ‘Trans enough’ when not in a dress, or wearing some fabulous make up, or whatever. This used to really bother me, but I am finding that it does not as much.

But I want to know why. I want to say that I have gotten stronger and I simply just don’t give a shit anymore how people perceive me, I am what I am, regardless of what others think, right? But, in reality, how true is that?

I want to be able to say that and really mean it, but I don’t live in that world.

I am wondering if what I am seeing happen, is me having my gender identity beaten out of me day by day. I mean, in many little (and large ways) ways, every day. But specifically, how is my (or any of ours, actually) gender identity and the politics surrounding that identity, affected by my encounters with others? Sure, I have a few friends who “get it” (or pretend to, at least), but what about my interactions with every other person I meet? How do these interactions affect the way I see myself?

I mean, clearly I will always been seen as a nelly faggot dude. That is wonderful and I love that, but I am having trouble deciding if I am really okay with that, or I am just settling for what I know I can get. I am a nelly faggot dude, that is no secret, anyone would agree with that. Clearly their are some gender politics in there with that, but to what extent? And in what way?

For the past few years I have been in a constant state of dressing down. Florescent pants replaced with a pair of rustler jeans, ballet flats replaced with ‘regular’ shoes (sometimes boots), makeup completely gone, no dresses ever.

A lot of this has been for practical reasons. But it would be impossible for me to say how the practicality of it all really comes into play.

I just don’t know about any of it anymore and it does not look like I will for a very long time.

I want to be able to say that all of this is coming from not taking care of myself, for some reason that would make it easier for me to understand. I realize I am not taking care of myself in the way I should, but I don’t really know what that looks like right now in my life. But I realize this and I feel like in realizing that I am not taking care of myself is a good first step. But that’s a long road and I don’t think my bike will make it right now.

But looking at right now, I want to think more about my identity politics.

Am I okay with not presenting myself in the way that I see myself? Am I okay with my perceived gender identity changing? How has my perceived gender identity changing, changed the way I feel about myself? Has it? Maybe a better question is, how could it not?

I am about to go on a trip to IDA & Asheville. Maybe that will be really good for me.

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1 Comment so far
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i really really need you back in my life.

Comment by leila




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