This Southern Faggot's Blog

June 24, 2012, 4:33 am
Filed under: People to remember, Questions | Tags: ,

Riding my bike home from a show tonight, I realized that Lucie was the only person, in my entire life that I can remember, who has ever made me question my atheism. She was so spiritual, it makes me feel like I am calling her a liar when I think about how I don’t think ghosts, or spirits, or gods, or whatever exist. I truly believe this, I don’t think any of that exists.

But why then do I find myself talking to you sometimes? Who the fuck am I talking to? Am I simply talking to make myself feel better? If I don’t believe in gods, or ghosts, or spirits, then that means I can never talk to you again. Is that something I want to believe?

And why did you believe so much? Did you know something that I don’t? Do you know something now, that I don’t? Or did you die and realize that it had all been a waste? All the alters and sacrifices, maybe you died and then found out it was all done in vein. Do I want to believe that?


June 24, 2012, 4:21 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important, People to remember | Tags:

I mean… maybe I’m not as into cuddling as I always thought/assumed I was.

I mean, I’m not really one to fantasize about blow jobs, or fucking, or any of that. Mostly those things have just been things you do, to become tired enough to be able to cuddle with someone, without staying up all night thinking about how nice cuddling is. Does that make sense?

Okay, so what had happened was that this boy came over for 3 hours, because he was waiting on his Megabus and I told him he could come cuddle. He did. This was the first sexual human contact I had had in… what, right about a year? I think that’s right. It was nice, we of course jerked off together, which is actually my preferred sexual activity. It’s just so easy and you are always in control, what could be better? Anyway, we jerked off together and then cuddled for a few hours and it was just hot and sticky and sweaty and not good at all. But, this same thing has happened to me the past few times I have cuddled and the person I am cuddling with ALWAYS is such a clingy big spoon and I really hate that. So I end up having to either be the big spoon, so that I can control what sweaty & hot body parts of us touch, or I roll over and try to have some cuddle free time, but they always assume the role of big spoon. It’s not just the fact that its fucking summer time in the south, but any time during cuddling, wherever two body parts touch, its always just too much body heat for me to be comfortable with.

I really hate this though. I want to love cuddling. I want to love intimacy so much that I am willing to have it, regardless of how much heat or sweat it produces. I mean, certainly I could handle this from some sort of longer term someone, right?

This crying faggot
June 14, 2012, 6:07 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

Growing up, I have always been a big ole lispy sissy. As a kid, I used to cry a lot, generally in public, because what would happen in private that could ever make me want to cry, right? I cried a lot in elementary school, especially on the last day of class when we “graduated”. I had spent so much of my life there and then I just had to leave! I swore to myself I would never forget that school and would never forget the kids I had grown up with. Of course, I did forget them and I mostly forgot the school. Well, as much as I could forget it. I actually live really close to it and sometimes go and walk around the playground at night, which is strange. 

But anyway, I used to cry a lot. The (public) crying slowed down during middle school. In fact, the only time I cried at middle school when was some kid put gum in my hair a day before a Britney Spears show and I was sure she would see me and my ugly hair and not want to marry me. As far as I can tell, that was the last time that anyone has ever seen me cry, until Lucie’s funeral. 

My parents never told me not to cry and I don’t really remember anyone around me ever telling me I shouldn’t cry. I don’t really remember anyone ever directly calling me a sissy when I cried. I never really watched any TV but Nickelodeon and wasn’t interested in any media other than the local oldies station growing up. 

I think about crying at movies like Titanic and I can always feel it. If I really wanted to, I could start crying and it would feel great. But I don’t, I keep it all in, as I usually do. I hate this, but at this point in my life, I couldn’t imagine ever crying in public again. I want to. I want to be able to do this. Where did I learn that I shouldn’t do this?

In most situations, I am generally looked at as the person of reason and someone who will take care of you, if you need something. Somewhere in my mind, somewhere I have no direct access to, I know that I feel that I could not serve this role, as a public cryer. I know this isn’t actually true and I picked it up from somewhere along my journey in life, but it is proving really hard to shake. I want to be able to cry when talking about homeless Queer kids, or when animals (or people) die that I love, or when talking about how fucked up the prison is, or just the world in general. But, I can’t. 

Sometimes I think about how I would react if everyone close to me died and my first thought is never how sad I would be, but instead how I would deal with all the technical details that come with death, like funerals. Maybe that is the most logistical way to be, but I want to be able to feel that huge wave of emotion… I don’t think I would be able to feel it, or process it. 

This is something that I want to work on, but I don’t know how I would go about doing that. Or if I even should. Or if I even could.

IDA came and went
June 14, 2012, 5:43 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I just got back from IDA and it was a nice little trip. I was there for the end of IDApalozza, which was just way too much for me to handle. But after that, it was super nice. I honestly can’t tell how healthy these trips are for me. I mean, leaving town is wonderful and visiting with the residents of IDA is amazing. Exploring middle TN is really good for me and I am glad I get to do it with people I really like. But, during my visits, I always have my defenses up. I don’t ever want to let it feel too real, or get used to it, because I know this isn’t real life for me. I don’t want to have my defenses up and I know that makes it impossible for me to have as good as a time as I could, but I can’t help it. 

I mean, maybe that is just fine that I don’t let it feel too real, because it isn’t. Not for me at least. Maybe someday it will be (and as we all know, all I think about is rural living), but it isn’t today and won’t be for a while, I am pretty well chained down to this city for the next few years. 

I have really, really been into this song lately.