This Southern Faggot's Blog


This crying faggot
June 14, 2012, 6:07 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

Growing up, I have always been a big ole lispy sissy. As a kid, I used to cry a lot, generally in public, because what would happen in private that could ever make me want to cry, right? I cried a lot in elementary school, especially on the last day of class when we “graduated”. I had spent so much of my life there and then I just had to leave! I swore to myself I would never forget that school and would never forget the kids I had grown up with. Of course, I did forget them and I mostly forgot the school. Well, as much as I could forget it. I actually live really close to it and sometimes go and walk around the playground at night, which is strange. 

But anyway, I used to cry a lot. The (public) crying slowed down during middle school. In fact, the only time I cried at middle school when was some kid put gum in my hair a day before a Britney Spears show and I was sure she would see me and my ugly hair and not want to marry me. As far as I can tell, that was the last time that anyone has ever seen me cry, until Lucie’s funeral. 

My parents never told me not to cry and I don’t really remember anyone around me ever telling me I shouldn’t cry. I don’t really remember anyone ever directly calling me a sissy when I cried. I never really watched any TV but Nickelodeon and wasn’t interested in any media other than the local oldies station growing up. 

I think about crying at movies like Titanic and I can always feel it. If I really wanted to, I could start crying and it would feel great. But I don’t, I keep it all in, as I usually do. I hate this, but at this point in my life, I couldn’t imagine ever crying in public again. I want to. I want to be able to do this. Where did I learn that I shouldn’t do this?

In most situations, I am generally looked at as the person of reason and someone who will take care of you, if you need something. Somewhere in my mind, somewhere I have no direct access to, I know that I feel that I could not serve this role, as a public cryer. I know this isn’t actually true and I picked it up from somewhere along my journey in life, but it is proving really hard to shake. I want to be able to cry when talking about homeless Queer kids, or when animals (or people) die that I love, or when talking about how fucked up the prison is, or just the world in general. But, I can’t. 

Sometimes I think about how I would react if everyone close to me died and my first thought is never how sad I would be, but instead how I would deal with all the technical details that come with death, like funerals. Maybe that is the most logistical way to be, but I want to be able to feel that huge wave of emotion… I don’t think I would be able to feel it, or process it. 

This is something that I want to work on, but I don’t know how I would go about doing that. Or if I even should. Or if I even could.

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