This Southern Faggot's Blog

The winter is coming
November 25, 2012, 4:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

The winter is coming. Well, as of last night it really does feel like it’s here to stay (finally). Mentally, I’m totally ready. I’m ready for winter walks, seeing my breath in the air and the feeling of shivering reminding me I’m alive.

But practically, I’m so, so not ready. I need more gloves, hats, jackets, sweaters and pants. I really don’t have more than one of any of these things, which isn’t good. 

Everything feels so good right now. I’ve been listening to music again, reading, updating this thing and being somewhat social. All of these things are really good for my mental health (some far more than others) and that’s a good thing. 

Also, I recently got the Taylor Swift discography and it’s just brilliant. Jesus christ, Taylor Swift is just so perfect and I think about that a lot more than I probably should. But, aside from that, I’ve also been revisiting a lot of the old Elephant 6 discography and their are so, so many good albums that I had forgotten about. I’m so excited to be rediscovering them. 


The night I can’t forget
November 24, 2012, 5:55 pm
Filed under: Country Music, Interesting day, People to remember, Southern life | Tags: , , ,

“What do you want to do” I ask, as we have just finished walking my dog but both can feel that we want to be with each other for the rest of the night.

“I don’t know, I don’t care” you respond. I have found in the short time we have known each other that you frequently don’t have any idea of what you want to do when we are together. Is this because you are indecisive, or is it because you don’t care what we do, because you just want to be with me, regardless of what we are doing? I get the feeling it’s a mixture of both, but maybe more of the latter.

“Okay, I’m going to take you to one of my favorite spots in town. No… it actually might be my favorite, I’ve never taken anyone there before” I respond. You smile in that way that I love. It’s the same smile that a child would have when you told them they were going to Disneyland, or when you told them you got them a Furby. It’s a smile of pure joy, not tainted by any other thoughts or agendas. It’s a smile that you wear and somehow you aren’t afraid to share it with me. Why does it always seem like the walls you have built around yourself are so much smaller and less dense than mine? Before I met you, I would never, never imagine giving anyone that sort of smile. I would always, always be too afraid of showing too many of my cards. I could’t let the other person know that I was that happy, it would make me too vulnerable  But with you… with you that’s changing. I’ve seen that smile in you and a few times you’ve seen that smile on me. Have you noticed? Have you even noticed that I frequently let my walls down for you? If you haven’t noticed, maybe that’s for the best. But if you have, I appreciate that you haven’t yet taken advantage of me. I hope you never do, it might destroy me.

You don’t ask me any more questions about where we are going, you simply get in my truck and we start to drive. I take you across the river and we take an exit that doesn’t seem to lead anywhere of any interest, but you still don’t ask any questions. You trust me.

The whole time we are driving, we talk about our lives, our pasts and our futures. You claim to not know where you are going in life, but I get the feeling that you do, you just don’t want to think about it. In the background the mix cd that I made for you is playing. You ended up really enjoying the country songs I put on there, which is funny because I debated putting them on there in the first place. Another nice surprise.

We continue driving to my favorite spot and you still don’t ask any questions, although I can tell you want to. We take our exit and drive down several side streets, most are very dark because the street lights have been shot out. We park in the parking lot of a big big warehouse that is right on the railroad tracks, because they make something that has to travel by train.

You finally realize that where I’ve taken you is to the very edge of the big train yard in town. As far as I know, we are as close as we can be without getting harassed by the bulls. We talk about how I found this place, how the one time I hopped a train anywhere it was from this very spot. I had plans to go to Memphis, but I got too scared so I just rode the train a mile down the track and then walked back. I was really lucky that it had to slow down, I’m not sure what would have happened if I had made it to Memphis.

We lay the blanket down in the grass that we have brought and make ourselves comfortable, almost as if we are preparing to watch a show, although their will never be anything we are specifically watching. It’s just nice to watch all the people and trains go by, wondering where they are going, wondering where they’ve been.

It’s a really chilly night, but the air is so dry we don’t have to worry about the grass being wet, which is nice. It’s cold and we are both bundled up, but we still find it necessary to hold each other. We both say out loud that we need to do this to stay warm, but we both know that we are hurting and holding each other is the only thing that can make it better. There we are, bundled up, shivering as one, watching our breath, watching the trains, watching each other. We are still talking, but we know that if we stopped talking, the deafening silence wouldn’t be something to fear. You make me feel so comfortable that I don’t mind those silent moments.

You start to hum and I immediately recognize the song you are humming and I start to sing along. It’s a song that we both know very well. But what does this song represent for you? Do you somehow know that this is one of my favorite songs to listen to and sing along with when I’m feeling lost? Is it a coincidence, or do you somehow know this?

After sitting and watching the trains for an hour, we decide to go back to my truck. We start kissing and it’s so fucking nice. Our innocent kissing turns into making out and we both start taking turns devouring each other’s ears and neck, both of our sensitive spots (although, I shiver and scream every time you touch mine, I’ve already assured you that these are good, good things though). Honey, our necks are going to be torn up in the morning, but that’s not a worry of ours right now. We’ll figure that out tomorrow, for now, we are very, very caught up in this moment. As I’m heavily breathing into your ear, I whisper that I want to be your 17th. You yelp “yes” and it seems like we are instantly naked.

This is the first time we’ve seen each other with our shirts off, much less naked. I take a second to look at you and tell you that you’re fucking beautiful before we start making out again. I’m moving down your body, licking and biting every inch of skin I can get my mouth on. When I get to your hip bones, you loose control and start shivering… we obviously have the exact same sensitive spot(s). I make a mental note, I will certainly have to visit those spots again.

I make my way to your dick and oh lord honey, it’s been so, so long since I’ve a dick in my mouth. You moan and I’m so happy because you aren’t one of those queens who refuses to make any noise during sex, lord knows I’m not quiet. I suck your dick for a while and take frequent breaks to jerk you off and stare into your eyes. I love sucking your dick and hearing you enjoy it, but I want to see you. I want to be able to look into your eyes and see you give me that look that I love so, so much. You push me over and now you’re licking and biting my body and you make your way to my dick. I love it, but it feels so impersonal. I want to be able to look into your eyes, it’s all about the eyes.

We switch again and I’m sitting in your lap and we are both jerking off, starting into each others eyes, making out and kissing and sucking on every inch of each others bodies we can get our mouths on. I lift up your arm and bury my nose into your armpit and I nearly loose myself in your smell. You’re ticklish and start to laugh, but I never, ever want to leave. You’ve never been with a self identified armpit queen, it’s clear you are interested and that’s something we’ll have to talk about later. After I pull away I can still smell you on my face and I wish that smell never leaves my face.

We continue to jerk off, make out and eventually we both cum onto your furry tummy and chest. I move down to the floor and make sure to eat every single drop, making sure to spend some time on those sensitive spots of yours. Once I’m done licking you clean we continue to make out, less sexually, more passionately (which is just as good). We lay there together, still naked, for what seems like forever. Even though it’s cold, our bodies are sweating everywhere we touch and we are both dripping with sweat. No one will ever drive by us, so we don’t feel any rush to leave. We stay there a while and it’s been a long, long time since we’ve been able to see any trains outside our foggy windows, but we can still hear them. I’m resting my head on your chest listening to your heat beat and you breathe, while also listening to the rains rolling by outside our window. We don’t talk, but we don’t need to. I want to stay here forever, but we both know we have to leave, sooner than later.

We whisper to each other, but we don’t know why we are whispering. We talk about how much we like each other and how much fun we just had, and while these aren’t secrets, we both feel that if we say them too loud, somehow they will be able to leave the cab of my truck and get lost with all the sounds of the trains. If we whisper, we know the’ll stay with us.

We get dressed again and I drive to my house. You decide to stay over at my place and I couldn’t be happier. We both strip down once agan and crawl into my bed and after a kiss, we are both falling asleep. For a brief moment I realize that I can still smell your armpits on my face and realizing that makes me smile and then I’m dreaming. As we both are waking up, you whisper “Thanks” into my ear and I don’t need anything else. Somehow you managed to say so much with just one word. I don’t respond, but I know you don’t need me to.

You leave my house and we both go about our day. We are both having regular, average days, but we both spend the entire day with a smile. I spend all day thinking about you and last night, I am pretty sure you did the same.

Dead hands
November 23, 2012, 5:33 pm
Filed under: Things to notice | Tags: ,

I’m sick. I’ve had too much stress on me lately, I knew this was going to happen.

Fever and body aches are no fun. But touching yourself when you are sick always feels so, so amazing. Not jerking off, but just rubbing my stomach, sides and chest is the most amazing feeling. My hands feel so cold on my hot body, it almost stings. If I wouldn’t feel so bad for making someone sick, I would say I want someone to come over and just rub my body. But, I’ll avoid people as much as I can until I’m better.

For now, I’ll just touch myself.

The screaming silence
November 23, 2012, 10:44 am
Filed under: People to remember, Those moments | Tags: , , ,

He’s awkward, that’s for sure. I mean, not awkward in the way I can’t handle, or in the way that feels like it hinders conversation. Something about his awkwardness gives me a strength I haven’t felt in a while. The strength to say whatever I want and it never feels wrong.

We’re walking around my neighborhood, talking about nothing, but it feels like so much. Wait, or is it the other way around? No, I don’t think so. I mean, let me make that more clear. What we talk about is interesting and necessary. I want to hear what he has to say, I want to hear him say everything he has ever thought. Him being this open makes me feel really good. It makes me feel like he needs to be protected because he’s opening himself up to someone. To me. He’s opening himself up, making himself so vulnerable and I’m here for that, I’m here for him.

I feel like he needs me here to protect him. It feels like if I wasn’t here, he would be still saying all these things, but he would float away and just disappear. Does that make sense?

I feel like he needs me here to protect him. Not in some motherly way, but in the way that we all need. I mean, isn’t that part of life? Isn’t part of human nature needing someone in your life who you can open up to and who will be there if the shit hits the fan?

Anyway, we are walking and talking about nothing, or everything, and it feels right. We talk about how many people we’ve been with, our lives and where they have intersected without us know knowing, my dog, his social work program.

Something that we seem to have in common is the ability to bring up things that are on our mind, which aren’t related in any way to what we were just talking, but it’s obvious that they were just on our mind. This is refreshing, because so often people don’t say something they are thinking, because it might not fit in with the current conversation. But if you want to talk about something, then just start

We end up walking for hours without noticing the time go by. We end up walking all the way to the river. I get the feeling that he managed to lead me there without me noticing, I know he knows the river is my favorite place in town. We are by the river, walking and talking more, same as usual, but being by the river makes it different. The river next to us feels like it’s listening to us, listening but not necessarily processing anything. It feels like it’s listening and we can tell it all our secrets.

We sit on my favorite dock and talk to each other, but really we both feel like we are talking to the river. Sometimes we look at each other when we are talking, but a lot of the time we both look out into the river, wondering where all our secrets are going. We know there safe, but still you have to wonder where they end up. Maybe each piece of sand on the bottom of the river is actually a secret that’s been given to the river to keep and hold forever. You know those are secrets and you can see them, but you know you don’t have any way of getting them out, so you don’t even begin to imagine what they are.

All of our secrets are safe in the river.

We talk about our childhoods, our parents, growing up, coming out, how we ended up where we are, where we think we are going, how we are going to get there. We talk about abuse, harassment, loneliness.

We sit and talk by (or, to) the river for a while and then decide to walk back to my place. The walk back feels different. The walk back feels like something has changed, but what? Nothing bad, but something is different. It feels like some of the walls are missing that existed between us just an hour before. Some of those walls that were secrets were thrown into the river for keepsies, but not before sharing them with each other.

We don’t touch while we are walking, but we can both feel each others presence as if we were walking interlocked in a way that would make it impossible to get anywhere.

He says that his boyfriend and him did have “the talk” and we can do whatever we want. He likes his boyfriend so much (purposely not saying love, something we have already talked about), but neither of them want to feel controlling or controlled. We end up talking more about what this means and I get so many butterflies in my stomach I wish I could vomit to feel better. Not the kind of vomit where you are bent over the toilet all night. But the kind of vomit where you vomit while walking and play it off really, really well. The glamorous vomit, you know.

On the walk to my house, we decide that he is going to spend the night to cuddle. We both want this so much, not only because we have both specifically said it, but because we can both feel it. Without saying it, we both know that we don’t want to “cuddle” (fucking, but calling it cuddling), we actually just want to hold each other all night long. We want to feel each other there, know that the world maybe isn’t that bad because we can feel we have at least one person who will be there.

We make it back to my house and we head straight to my bedroom and shut the door. We lay in my bed for a while and he looks through the copy of “Why Are Faggots So Afraid of Faggots” I keep next to my bed. We talk a little about Mattilda and what she’s given be over the past years and I just want to lay there and read to him all night. I tell him he can borrow it, but he doesn’t, maybe next time.

We decide to go to bed and he gets under the covers with all his clothes on. I get up to strip down to my underwear and t-shirt, but I have to do it facing away from him so he doesn’t see how excited I am. I don’t want him to see, not because I don’t want him to see my hard dick, but because letting him see how thrilled I am about the idea of cuddling would make me feel to vulnerable. But darling, it’s been nearly a year since I have any sort of intimate human contact!

Anyway, I undress and he decides to as well, but he takes off his pants under the covers. Does he have an erection too?

I’m the big spoon and I later learn that he is always, always the small spoon, at least as far as I can tell. We cuddle and both try to press as much of our bodies together as humanly possible. The more of us that’s touching, the more reassurances we have that the other won’t be going anywhere. I won’t let him float away, I won’t let anything bad happen to him. I’m here, he’s here, we are both here and very, very present and aware of that. We both feel that and it makes us feel so, so good.

We talk a bit more, but both fall asleep easily. Neither of us toss or turn much, everything just feels so right. I ask him if we can kiss and he eagerly says we should. We make out for a while and he loves to have his ears and neck kissed and licked too. We both are hard at this point and we can both feel it, but we ignore that part of our bodies for now. Later we will pay attention to that, but for now, we just want to feel as much of each others body as we can.

The next day, he lets me know via text how much he enjoyed last night. He felt so safe and comfortable he was able to sleep no problem. Usually he isn’t able to do that during cuddling, but I was special. I was different. He let’s know how much he enjoys being with me and how much he likes me. I want to print this text off and put it in by backpocket to keep forever. I want to always be able to remember him telling me this.

We don’t know where this is going, but I don’t think either of us is thinking about that too much. We are going somewhere, but just like walking to the river, we will both end up there at the same time without thinking about it.

The number game

This boy that I’m talking to is able to remember every one of his tricks and knows the number of people he’s had sex with. The number isn’t astonishingly high or low, but I am really jealous that he is able to do this, so I’ve been trying to figure out all the people I’ve had sex with, here’s what I have now. I’m not actually entirely sure of the order.

  1. Man down the street from my parents house. He was my first time to get fucked and all he wanted to do was fuck me and then have me leave. I wanted to kiss and cuddle, but that didn’t happen. He gave me crabs, fuck that dude.
  2. Boy in Utah. He fucked me while we watched Minority Report and then refused to talk to me ever again.
  3. That boy who I met on Grindr and he came over a few times. We blew each other and I remember he had the hungriest ass I had ever experienced. I finger fucked him and I remember thinking I could easily fist him if I had the proper supplies. He came over to my house twice and the second time he drove so drunk I had to carry him up my stairs.
  4. That one boy who lived by the stadium and was a sports fan, I think. He was cute and we seemed to have fun, I wondered what happened to him. We blew each other.
  5. That boy from Memphis who was traveling through. We jerked each other off and made out all night, super fun.
  6. My very first trick, who turned to be an asshole. He fucked me and just loved it apparently, but didn’t want to pay me after our first time.
  7. That trick who I saw several times, I enjoyed him quite a bit. We used to go to my favorite indian restaurant and then we would go back to my place, make out and blow each other. He loved, loved, loved to have his balls pulled on super hard.
  8. That one trick who I had while I was living in my attic. He was super into my feet and hit his head on the attic ceiling and bled a bit. I felt bad.
  9. That trick who I loved talking to and we would just lay around and chat for an hour and then he would watch me jerk off. He used to turn tricks when he was younger, we would talk a lot about that.
  10. The one trick who I had three times. He would always greet me with a bath which was nice. Honey his house was tacky! The last time we were together he was obviously filming us, but wouldn’t admit to it so I took the money and left, never saw him again.
  11. That boy I met on OkCupid, who lived a couple hours away. We chatted via text, phone and e-mail for a long time and got together a few times. He fucked me and we filmed it for his boyfriend and that was a lot of fun. We have lost touch and I really regret that, but don’t really know what happened with that.
  12. Gay fest, where 3 straight boys and myself stayed up all night blowing each other. I’m still friends with those folks and I would love for this to happen again.
  13. Gay fest boy 2
  14. Gay fest boy 3
  15. The boy who loved, loved, loved Disney. He had a bunch of mickey tattoos (you can’t trust anyone who loves Disney). We blew each other and when I came into his mouth, he ran into the bathroom to spit it out. It seemed like it should feel more disgusting to hold it in your mouth for a period of time, instead of just swallowing it.
  16. After a night of drinking and dancing, this boy and I ended up on his friends couch and we just went to town on each other all night. We blew each other and he apparently brused easily, because when we woke up it looked like someone had taken a bat to his neck and chest. I didn’t realize I was sucking and chewing that hard. The next time together he tore up my neck and he was also the first (and only person) I fucked. It was nice, but not something I was terribly excited about.
  17. This boy came over to my house and I eagerly worked and worked on his cock, eventually he came all over his stomach (didn’t want me to eat it) and left. He wasn’t interested in returning the favor. The next time we got together (years later) the same thing happened, but I was SURE to get some attention this time.
  18. That one boy who fucked me and told me I was the best he had ever been with. He’s been begging me and begging me since to come over again and I am not interested at all. He was the most boring, vanilla person I had ever been with.
  19. Several years ago, the current boyfriend of the boy I am interested in were at a party and we cuddled that night. When we woke up, we made out and he jerked off.
  20. This boy loved to cuddle, make out and suck dick, was totally fine with me. He had a big penis and the 3rd time we were together he tried to fuck me (with a condom, of course) without playing with my ass first or eating my ass and I just said “That’s not going to happen without any attention” and he gave up. 😦 We liked to watch Roseanne together.
  21. This boy identifies as straight sometimes, bisexual other times. He was a local punk from the late 90s and he showed me the best time I have ever had. He was rough and fun and when I left the next morning my whole body hurt from getting bitten, spanked, having my hair pulled and having his stubble scrape over my entire body. Best feeling.
  22. When I was in Utah, 2 of my coworkers wanted to have sex with me, so we went to their house, but they ended up fucking and I blew one of them and then watched them fuck and I jerked off.
  23. I had known this boy since I was 14 and was always attracted to him. We used to trade DVDs of porn we liked when we were 16. I never liked him personally, but looking at him was nice. Several years later I somehow end up at the house he lives at and he was really drunk and we ended up hooking up. I blew him (I was very surprised at how big his penis was) and played with his ass (also very hungry) but then he kicked me out of his room and I slept somewhere else. I was sober, he was very drunk, I should have never done this and I never did after this.
  24. This kid was in high school (but 18), his mom was out of town and I went over to his house for some reason, maybe to help him with homework? We ended up blowing each other and I was his first person to be intimate with ever (didn’t know that at the time, but should have been able to see it. Not that it really matters). I remember him having the most beautiful penis I had ever seen. To this day, it still is the best penis I have seen. We hooked up twice and that was that.
  25. Last time I was in NYC I went to this dudes house, that was apparently in a really, really bad neighborhood for me to be in (I later found out). We blew each other, jerked off and went to bed. When I woke up I had missed quite a few calls from my friend who was super worried about me and I felt bad about that. She later explained about the neighborhood and I was really sad that I had worried her so much. This guy was really awkward
  26. I met this boy on ManHunt and he was stunning blue colar (who identified as such), really muscular boy. We blew each other, made out and jerked off. We still chat sometimes, but he works nights so our schedules don’t ever work. I miss seeing him.
  27. Another Utah boy. Don’t remember much about him, we did the usual (for me) stuff.
  28. Oh yea, I had forgotten about this person. This was the person with the worst hair I had ever seen, do you remember? I think he tried to fuck me, but I was totally not into it so I think I just sent him home. God this person was terrible.

28 people that I can remember right now, I assume I’m forgetting at least 1 trick and at least 1 other (non-paying), so let’s call it a even 30. I never really knew what that number would turn out being. I’m not offended or surprised by 30, it’s just interesting to actually lay it out.

November 20, 2012, 4:25 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: ,

That boy I’ve been talking about spent the night last night and we made out a bit and cuddled and it was really, really nice. Sometimes I can’t sleep when cuddling, but I was very easily able to with him. He said the same thing. 

Before that, we watched this Marsha P. Johnson movie that I’ve been wanting to watch for a while, but never got around to. 

He seemed very into it and enjoyed it, which makes me feel good about him. 

Anyway, so all of that is good. I have a meeting this evening that I am super, super not excited about and am actually a bit nervous. But he’s spending the night tonight so I hope that will make everything better. 

Wait… what did you say?
November 14, 2012, 9:54 pm
Filed under: People to remember | Tags:

So that boy and I have been hanging out more and more, it’s been nice. Apparently when I told him I wanted to make out with him, I got the response I got because he is awkward, not because he isn’t interested. After our dog walk last night we were talking outside of his house and he let me know he has a crush on me and that he does want to make out and cuddle. But, he has to talk to his boyfriend, because if you remember, he technically has a boyfriend who is technically okay with him doing the dirty (in this case, cuddling and making out) with other people.

I don’t necessarily picture that conversation going well, although they have apparently discussed it before. I’m kind of into this boy, so it would be nice if it went somewhere nice.