This Southern Faggot's Blog

Winter came
December 28, 2012, 5:42 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags:

We recently got a whole lot of snow here and it has shut down the city (as it always does). I hate snow. I hate snow so much. Just knowing I can’t leave the house (not easily, at least) instantly gives me really terrible cabin fever. I ended up at Waffle House at some point, which always feels nice. 

I’m going to continue talking about “that boy” as if I don’t know he reads this. I can’t, of course, necessarily write everything I would want to say, but I knew that when I gave him the link to TSF. It felt right and I still think it was a good idea, regardless of what does, or does not, come from it. 

I don’t know what I want, when it comes to relationships. I have never been in a relationship, I have always avoided them. In high school, I was always ‘too gay’ for anyone to want to date me, which lead to me giving up on dating. Same story in college, but I had already given up by then so it didn’t bother me. 

Anyway, I am so completely, utterly unsure of what I want in a relationship and this isn’t something I am familiar with. I don’t like it. Usually I am the one who has the answers. Usually I am the person people to come to when they need facts, or when they need an opinion from someone who usually has their head on their shoulders. But in talking with this boy about what ‘we’ are and what ‘we’may become, I just don’t know anything and I don’t know how to deal with that. 

Yes, I would like to date this person. Right? I have so many questions of what that even means. But I feel like once you boil it all down, yes, dating this person would be nice. 

But I can’t stop asking myself, what do I (or anyone) gain from entering into a relationship? Isn’t a relationship someone who you are really close friends with who you also have sex with? Do we need something formal to have that? Don’t we already have that right now, except that it isn’t formal? I suppose making it formal adds a layer of stability to the thing, which is nice. 

Every time we talk about this, I feel like I always go in a circle. I say that yes dating/being in a relationship would be nice (and what I want), but then I start asking all these questions. If I just left off all the questions, then it would be so simple. Yes, I like you a lot and would like to date you.

I just need to go along for the ride on this one, I think. I don’t need to plan it out too much, or even think too much about it. I think if I can just stop doing that, this will be really nice.


Let’s talk consent
December 7, 2012, 6:44 pm
Filed under: Thinking Thinking | Tags: , , ,

I want to have a conversation about consent, but I don’t really feel like there are any people in my life right now I could have this conversation with.

Sometimes I feel like consent has, not ruined, but made my sex/personal life more difficult than it should have.

To be clear, I am all about consent and would say that I always am thinking about it and always practice it. I’m also not advocating for rape, sexual assault or trying to break peoples barriers down. But, sometimes talking about sex, consent, histories and passion feels like it is taking the spontaneity out of my personal relationships and sex (the twice a year I have it). This is especially true when you are dealing with people who are not necessarily used to talking about these things, so those conversations are always those sort of “Oh, well what exactly do you mean? I’ve never had anyone ask me that before, why are you asking me that?” conversations. Don’t get me wrong, I love, love those conversations! But not necessarily when it’s in the middle of some amazing make-out times.

But, I would also like to advocate for also using peoples body language to determine their comfort with a sexual situation. I know, I know, this is a really slippery slope and I know I’m sliding down it real quick…. But hear me out.

We live in a world where we are not taught about how to talk about our bodies, or about sex, or relationships. These things don’t come naturally for a lot of people, but responding to situations with your body language is something that we do naturally.

I want to live in a world where I can eat someones ass, without having to stop sucking their dick, go up to their face and say “Would you like it if I threw your legs over your head and ate/gobbled your asshole?”. For me, that just completely takes away any sort of spontaneity that for me, is one of the really fun things about sex.

Instead, if I’m sucking their dick/whatever and am slowly moving my mouth down towards their ass and my hands are under their knees slowly pushing their legs up, it’s pretty obvious to the other person what my goal is. At that point they could squirm, or push my chin up away from their ass, or something and I would get it. If this was to happen then I feel like having a quick conversation would be totally fine.

And obviously I am (for some reason) focusing on this one action, but it’s somewhat relevant to my life.

I understand this is/could be problematic and leaves open all sorts of room for error. In my mind I can clearly see how this is different from casually flipping someone over and beginning to fuck them without any sort of conversation, but I can certainly see how that wouldn’t translate very well.

Obviously the easy answer is “Try to talk about this stuff before anything ever happens”, but sometimes that just isn’t the same. If someone asks me if I like to get fucked while we are just driving down the street, my answer will be “Eh, not really. I mean, sometimes?”. But if I’m making out (or more) with someone and they ask me, my response would be more like “Jesus christ yes please”, it’s all about context, you know?

Maybe I’ll add more to this later.

Time for a horn solo
December 6, 2012, 5:56 am
Filed under: Interesting day, lessons learned, People to remember, Questions | Tags: , ,

We’re at that point where we kiss goodbye.

This is fun to think about, because I remember putting so much thought into giving you the first hug goodbye. Do you remember? We had just finished walking my dog, but we were standing in front of your door for way too long, still talking. At some point I said goodbye, but we kept talking. We could both obviously feel it, but neither of us made that first move, which is silly. I mean, it’s a fucking hug, what the fuck?

But anyway, we were still talking, just standing there, so we decided to walk more. After that second walk, something changed. We both made the first move, at the same time, to hug each other goodbye. We hugged goodbye and it was really nice, but I remember wanting it to last longer. Granted… I probably wanted it to last forever, so I guess any amount of time wouldn’t have felt like enough time. Did you feel the same way?

Last night, laying in your bed, watching Buffy together was really nice. I meant to go home after Buffy, but instead we laid in your bed just talking. You talk about how you are really, really into me and you are confused about your boyfriend. We talk a little bit about that and I let you know that I am also really, really into you. I’m unsure of what that actually means, but it feels right.

You ask, somewhat rhetorically, what I see in you. All I want to do is hug you and never let you go. I know you aren’t asking in a way that is putting yourself down and I’m really happy that I can see that. I tell him some of the reasons I’m into him and it’s actually really good exercise for me. It’s easy to think these things, but having to find a way to articulate it was very challenging, which I appreciate. We both end up talking about a lot of things, going back and forth and it’s really nice. It feels like we both were very honest and I doubt we both said everything we wanted to, but we did say a lot.

Throughout the night we are kissing. Not in a sexual way necessarily, but very sweetly. We both knew it wasn’t going to lead to sex (not tonight, at least) and sometimes it’s nice to know that ahead of time.

As I leave and we are saying goodbye and hugging, we do the goodnight/goodbye kiss for the first time. Why does this feel so different from when we kiss in your room? Why does this feel so much more passionate and meaningful? Nothing has changed, we just happen to be in a different room (and we are standing up). Maybe this was just a one time thing, a product of the conversation we had previously in the night, right?

But tonight, I just left your house and we had another goodbye/goodnight kiss and it was so, so fucking nice.

I guess we’re at that point where we kiss goodbye. Having something to smile about is also really nice.