This Southern Faggot's Blog


Let’s talk consent
December 7, 2012, 6:44 pm
Filed under: Thinking Thinking | Tags: , , ,

I want to have a conversation about consent, but I don’t really feel like there are any people in my life right now I could have this conversation with.

Sometimes I feel like consent has, not ruined, but made my sex/personal life more difficult than it should have.

To be clear, I am all about consent and would say that I always am thinking about it and always practice it. I’m also not advocating for rape, sexual assault or trying to break peoples barriers down. But, sometimes talking about sex, consent, histories and passion feels like it is taking the spontaneity out of my personal relationships and sex (the twice a year I have it). This is especially true when you are dealing with people who are not necessarily used to talking about these things, so those conversations are always those sort of “Oh, well what exactly do you mean? I’ve never had anyone ask me that before, why are you asking me that?” conversations. Don’t get me wrong, I love, love those conversations! But not necessarily when it’s in the middle of some amazing make-out times.

But, I would also like to advocate for also using peoples body language to determine their comfort with a sexual situation. I know, I know, this is a really slippery slope and I know I’m sliding down it real quick…. But hear me out.

We live in a world where we are not taught about how to talk about our bodies, or about sex, or relationships. These things don’t come naturally for a lot of people, but responding to situations with your body language is something that we do naturally.

I want to live in a world where I can eat someones ass, without having to stop sucking their dick, go up to their face and say “Would you like it if I threw your legs over your head and ate/gobbled your asshole?”. For me, that just completely takes away any sort of spontaneity that for me, is one of the really fun things about sex.

Instead, if I’m sucking their dick/whatever and am slowly moving my mouth down towards their ass and my hands are under their knees slowly pushing their legs up, it’s pretty obvious to the other person what my goal is. At that point they could squirm, or push my chin up away from their ass, or something and I would get it. If this was to happen then I feel like having a quick conversation would be totally fine.

And obviously I am (for some reason) focusing on this one action, but it’s somewhat relevant to my life.

I understand this is/could be problematic and leaves open all sorts of room for error. In my mind I can clearly see how this is different from casually flipping someone over and beginning to fuck them without any sort of conversation, but I can certainly see how that wouldn’t translate very well.

Obviously the easy answer is “Try to talk about this stuff before anything ever happens”, but sometimes that just isn’t the same. If someone asks me if I like to get fucked while we are just driving down the street, my answer will be “Eh, not really. I mean, sometimes?”. But if I’m making out (or more) with someone and they ask me, my response would be more like “Jesus christ yes please”, it’s all about context, you know?

Maybe I’ll add more to this later.

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