This Southern Faggot's Blog

A post
February 24, 2014, 9:32 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m just going to leave this vague post here for now, maybe I’ll come back later to work on it:

I feel like it’s telling that, because of you, I cried for the first time in years (literal years). It’s telling because you’re the same person I cried about, while updating livejournal, many years ago. 

When we started hanging out again, after many years of not talking, I thought about this exact moment. I wondered if I was really ready to be your friend again, after you hurt me several years ago. I made the decision that I was ready, but was I wrong? 

I asked and then made it very clear to you that I was planning on staying at your house tonight, yet you found a boy at the bar to seduce and you left me to drive to his house, across town. I made it home safe and I really want to send you a text telling you that, but I know that would be passive aggressive bull shit. I’m better than that. I think so, at least. 

I understand that we aren’t a “thing” and I understand that we probably won’t ever be a “thing” and I think that’s what I want. But, when you drink, you become an asshole who can only think of himself and his needs. How long do I stick around for this shit? Intellectually, I know that it would probably be best for be to cut ties with this person, I know these sorts of things will continue to happen. But I simply can’t.

I think that, most of all, I hate that I’m feeling like my heart (which, intellectually, I understand isn’t capable of any sort of thought or feelings) is winning out over my mind. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be the person who is always able to make decisions that are 100% in the moment and always considering the whole picture. That isn’t me right now. Shit.