This Southern Faggot's Blog


4 walls make a room
January 8, 2015, 9:11 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I fell asleep last night thinking about walls. Specifically, what happened in my history that lead to me building these walls and refusing to tear them down for anyone.

I’m thinking back to my mother and my complicated relationship with her growing up.

Growing up, I loved my mother, on the verge of becoming obsessed with her. Looking back I defiantly had some mama issues and thought she was this perfect human being (I used to tell people my mother was “sexy”, which is awkward). It wasn’t until I was 16 that I discovered her addiction to alcohol, but once I discovered it, I couldn’t believe that my parents had been able to hide it from me for so long. I learned later in life that my dad REALLY wanted me to have a special relationship with my mother, so he sacrificed his relationship with me so that he could build her up to being something she wasn’t. I later learned in life that when she was passed out, he would cook dinner but give my mother credit, or say that my mother had done something for me, but really he had done it.

I grew up feeling NO connection to my father, because I thought he wasn’t involved in my life at all. This is the most upsetting thing about my childhood, when I think back on it. I love, love, love my father today and think he is one of the most amazing human beings, but it took a really long time to come to that conclusion. I wish that I had been allowed to see that earlier.

Anyway, I believe it was at the point when I discovered my mothers addiction to alcohol that I began to build my walls. Before then, I believed she had been so, so important to my life and I felt like I had been betrayed.

I’m wondering if it was around this time that I subconsciously started building these walls, to ensure that no one was able to easily come in and hurt me, like my mother did. If this is indeed the case, I’m wondering what I can do to help make my situation with others better.

What sort of work can I do internally to recognize that while those walls were valid, they are now doing more damage than good. What work can I do to recognize that I am not longer a child and have the ability to see people as they really are, I don’t need these walls by default.

I guess it’s things, just like this, why people go to therapists. Hopefully I can figure it out on my own, because I fucking have to learn how to let people into my life. I just have to.

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I’ll be there for you (when the rain starts to pour)
January 8, 2015, 3:04 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m in a weird place. I’m so happy that I came back to TSF and reread the posts I made about you. I had forgotten so many of the little details of our interactions, but I documented a lot of those here. I love that. I love that TSF finally became something that I could use to look back and remember the good times. The better times.

I wrote that boy a letter. It’s been two years since I last wrote him a letter, but this one is very different than the first one I wrote.

I had to write a letter filled with apology.

Wait, you might be wondering why we couldn’t just talk in person?  Well, I guess what it boils down to, is that I’m really weak when it comes to certain things.

Anyway, you’ve taught me so much about myself, but I’m so, so incredibly sorry that I had to use you to figure out these things about myself.

You’re an amazing person, but what I was able to realize through being with you, is that I have a lot of walls. Walls are really important (I think) and they serve a really important purpose, but what good is a wall if you can’t open it up every once in a while to let people in? Or, more importantly, what good is it if you can’t ever let those walls down to let yourself out?

Maybe someday I’ll learn to let down those walls. But if I couldn’t let them down with you, someone who was incredibly sweet and supportive of me, then who the fuck would I be able to let them down for?

When I’m feeling strong, it’s easy to say I’ll be alone forever and feel okay about it. When I’m strong, I can remind myself that I have a great friend base and I’m working on a project that feels really meaningful.

But when I’m not feeling that strong, I just think about what my future looks like not being able to *be* with someone. It sometimes scares me. What if in the future I really feel like I *need* someone in my life, but can’t let them in? What the fuck do I do then?

I need to figure this out, but I don’t know where to start. For the first time, in a long time, I can identify something about myself that I feel like I want to change, but I don’t know how to change it.