This Southern Faggot's Blog


I’ll be there for you (when the rain starts to pour)
January 8, 2015, 3:04 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m in a weird place. I’m so happy that I came back to TSF and reread the posts I made about you. I had forgotten so many of the little details of our interactions, but I documented a lot of those here. I love that. I love that TSF finally became something that I could use to look back and remember the good times. The better times.

I wrote that boy a letter. It’s been two years since I last wrote him a letter, but this one is very different than the first one I wrote.

I had to write a letter filled with apology.

Wait, you might be wondering why we couldn’t just talk in person?  Well, I guess what it boils down to, is that I’m really weak when it comes to certain things.

Anyway, you’ve taught me so much about myself, but I’m so, so incredibly sorry that I had to use you to figure out these things about myself.

You’re an amazing person, but what I was able to realize through being with you, is that I have a lot of walls. Walls are really important (I think) and they serve a really important purpose, but what good is a wall if you can’t open it up every once in a while to let people in? Or, more importantly, what good is it if you can’t ever let those walls down to let yourself out?

Maybe someday I’ll learn to let down those walls. But if I couldn’t let them down with you, someone who was incredibly sweet and supportive of me, then who the fuck would I be able to let them down for?

When I’m feeling strong, it’s easy to say I’ll be alone forever and feel okay about it. When I’m strong, I can remind myself that I have a great friend base and I’m working on a project that feels really meaningful.

But when I’m not feeling that strong, I just think about what my future looks like not being able to *be* with someone. It sometimes scares me. What if in the future I really feel like I *need* someone in my life, but can’t let them in? What the fuck do I do then?

I need to figure this out, but I don’t know where to start. For the first time, in a long time, I can identify something about myself that I feel like I want to change, but I don’t know how to change it.

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