This Southern Faggot's Blog


White Girl Sadness
May 9, 2016, 4:17 pm
Filed under: People to remember | Tags: , ,

I can not get enough of this interview.

“I want to believe that love is not about surviving with someone, or getting resources from them. Love should be more than that. Maybe there is love in the poems, the love that the narrator was capable of at that particular moment in time.

bell hooks writes, in All About Love, “Individuals who want to believe that there is no fulfillment in love, that true love does not exist, cling to these assumptions because this despair is actually easier to face than the reality that love is a real fact of life but is absent from their lives.” Maybe, writing and living as a queer youth, I was unable to recognize my ability to accept and reciprocate the love which was given to me. Maybe that is what’s captured in this chapbook.”

It feels like so much of this interview is things I want to say, but don’t know how. So many of these are things I’m feeling, or have felt, but I typically don’t feel like I have someone to say them to. Aside from places like TSF.

I’ve never had a desire to read poetry, in my entire life. This is a strange feeling.



Death and love and stuff
May 7, 2016, 7:14 pm
Filed under: Faggot Rant, People to remember, Thinking Thinking, Uncategorized

The past few weeks have been really rough for me and I’ve been having a very hard time. I’m not suicidal, but my mental health has been worse than it’s been in a long, long time and I have to figure out what I can do to work on this.

The world is a horrible, horrible place and normally I can know that, without focusing on it, but lately I’ve been focusing on it an unhealthy amount. I’ve been thinking about Reecey, a Transwoman recently murdered in Kansas. I’ve been thinking about all the Transwomen that I know have been murdered. I’ve been thinking more about all of the Transwomen who have been murdered without anyone knowing.

 

 

I don’t want to live in a world where Transwomen are brutally murdered each day.

I don’t want to live in a world where I am regularly forced to think about my own death.

I don’t want to live in a world where I believe I will be murdered one day, simply for being a GNC person.

I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t use the bathroom without worrying about my own safety. I don’t want to have to constantly think “Do I have the energy to use a public restroom? Am I emotionally ready to have to defend my existence?”

I don’t want to live in this world, but I do… and I am not suicidal, so I’ll be around for a while.

I’m not sure where I go from here. I feel a little helpless, honestly.

I don’t think anyone reads this anymore, but for those who do, you know that I’ve never really wanted to be in a relationship. I’ve always done things on my own and for my entire life, I’ve thought that translated to my relationship status, as well.

The past several weeks have made me realize, I don’t think this is healthy for me.

I need someone around that I can pour all of these feelings into.

I need someone I can share every aspect of my life and all of my thoughts with.

I need someone who can help me process all of these things.

I need someone I can go out with and we can just look at each other and both know what is going on in each of our minds.

I need someone who challenges the way I view the world, but someone who won’t judge me for my (some would say overly) critical view of the world.

The scariest part of this, for me, is the beginning of each of these sentences. I need someone.

I’ve never thought this in my life. I’ve always viewed myself as a solitary creature. I’ve always taken a bit of pride in that, but I’m realizing, that just isn’t true. I *do* need people. That makes me feel weak… but I know it shouldn’t.

These past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about a relationship that I could have had, but never allowed to happen. The past few weeks I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve been feeling so, so angry at myself for being so fucking stupid and not allowing this really amazing thing to happen.

To give myself credit, I didn’t think I was ready. In reality, I know I wasn’t ready.

But I am now. I think. I think I am ready, but I wanted too long and now that isn’t a possibility.

Joke’s on me, I guess.

I want to be patient. I want to say that I can wait. But it’s hard to wait for something that you feel like you need *right now*. But, I have to wait. So, I will.

I’ll just keeping listening to 1989 and thinking that every single song is relevant to my life and situation right now.



So it’s gonna be forever (or it’s gonna go down in flames)
May 4, 2016, 2:43 pm
Filed under: eh, Faggot Rant, my head hurts., Rants, This town | Tags: , ,

 

I am so, so fucking emotionally exhausted all of the time as of lately and I don’t really see how that is going to change in the near, or even distant, future.

I live in a world where each and every second of the day, I am reminded that people don’t think I should exist.

I can’t go into any bathroom, ever, without wondering what sort of shit I’m going to have to put up with.

At work each day, I work with young folks who are *much worse* off than I am, yet I have to try and convince them it will be *okay*.

But I don’t know if, or when, it will ever be okay. How the fuck am I qualified to try and tell people things will be okay? How much longer can I go on trying to tell people it will be okay, when I’m not sure when, or if, it will ever be okay.

I want to curl up and just cry all night long, but I know this won’t make anything okay, so it’s hard to justify that to myself.

I think a lot of this is coming from not seeing my friends a lot lately. Having this friend time is the only break I get in life, from being continually reminded that I shouldn’t exist. I need these people in my life to remind me that I belong here.

Without them, my emotional well-being is suffering greatly and I really don’t know how to feel about that. In my mind, I am such a solitary creature. But this past month has been a painful reminder that this just isn’t true.

I gotta make some changes in my life. I know that folks *are busy*, but I can’t go much longer without seeing the people in my life that are so important to me.

In very related news, I finally started listening to 1989 and this album is my everything right now.