This Southern Faggot's Blog


Everyone is dieing
September 26, 2016, 10:42 pm
Filed under: People to remember, Southern life, Thinking Thinking | Tags: , ,

We grew up together. We discovered our Queerness together. She introduced me to the intersectional politics that has shaped who I am, to this very day. She gave me my first radical Queer book that changed everything for me. She gave me my first Mattilda book. We danced together. We laughed. We cried. We lived together for a while (not a good idea). We learned from each other. I learned so much from her.

She died not knowing how important she was to me. She died without me ever properly explaining to me how important she was to me being the person I am today.

She is fucking dead. She will be dead, forever.

For however long I am alive, I’ll always know one thing. I will never see her again.

I can never call her for advice. I can never hear her laugh. I can never process fucked up situations with her again.

My entire life, I was told that people die of a) age or b) a very serious sickness.

People don’t tell you as a kid just how fragile life is. People don’t tell you that when you grow up, your Queer & Trans friends will be living in a world so horrible, they are forced to end it, because they just can’t take it anymore. They don’t tell you that as a kid. They fucking lie.

I have no idea how to talk about suicide. My immediate response was shock. I thought no, not her. Never her, this must be a mistake.

I’m worried that was my initial response, because I thought she was ‘stronger than that’. But I have to check that shit. Suicide isn’t weakness. I have to remember this.

I already miss her so much. I can’t stop thinking of her in that last moment. I just hope that she found the peace that she wanted. The peace she needed. If I can just believe she got that, then I’ll be a bit better.

It feels like Queer & Trans folks are dropping all around me. What do I do if I wake up and realize that everyone I’ve ever loved is dead? What will I do?



6 months

These past 6 months have been very hard. Looking back, I can say that they have easily been the most difficult time in my life. BUT, I made it and that is what I’m most excited about.

I’m coming out on the other side and I am so, so thrilled that I can now see everything more clearly. It isn’t crystal clear, yet, but I feel like it’s getting there and I am absolutely fucking ecstatic about that.

In April, I discovered that the term “fall in love” is actually very accurate. Overnight, I, for some reason, fell in love with this boy that I had been friends/fuck buddies with for 3 years. I’ve talked about him quite a bit here during this time, you know the one. I woke up one morning (literally) and could not stop thinking about him. I have never felt so helpless. I knew it wasn’t right… that we weren’t right… but none of that could stop these incredibly intense feelings that developed. I now also know what people mean when they talk about the heart, as if it is capable of thought or emotion. I really did feel out of control, as if my heart was overpowering all rational thought.

These feelings happened to develop when I felt like my friend group(s) were becoming weaker (I’m certain all of this is connected) and I didn’t feel like I had a lot of people around me I could talk to about these new feelings. Normally this boy was there to hold space for me, but that just didn’t work in this situation. I felt lost and very lonely, which only made my desire for him and that closeness greater. I had some pretty dark thoughts during this time and ended up thinking a lot about death (not suicide, but just, death in general).

All of this lasted for several months and only in the past month have I worked through those feelings and discovered that he was right… we don’t need to ever be a thing. I’ve also realized that I am incredibly grateful that a relationship never bubbled up, as I can now see that I would have gotten hurt and that would have left me in a very bad place. Not maliciously hurt, necessarily, but passively hurt, for sure. Does that make sense? I don’t really know what that means, but it feels appropriate.

Can’t say much more about that, because he may still read this (sharing this was not my best idea, but not one I regret). But just know that things are better and I finally feel like I can move on. A few times over the past few months, I’ve told folks that I thought things were getting better with this boy and while that was partially true, I made things sound much better than they actually were. But now, I can honestly say that I am moving on. I now have the clarity to look back and identify some not great behavior that I need to be on the look out for in the future.

I absolutely can’t wait for folks to ‘come around’. Sitting around and waiting for folks to discover what I already know only makes me look like a fool. I’d really like to work on better sticking to this idea of “fuck yes or no“, but I need to talk to my therapist more about that. This has also been a really good reminder of intent vs. impact.

I’m not sure what the future of our friendship looks like, but I will take that one day at a time. I must put myself first. Always. This is the most important thing for me to remember.

I listened to this song A LOT over the past 6 months. Not accurate to how I feel in many ways, but still felt really good to sing this real loud walking around outside. I don’t regret meeting him, I’m actually incredibly happy that he came into my life. He’s helped me learn so, so many important things about myself over these past 4 (at this point) years. Thank you.

Towards the end of this boy shit happening, some very, very fucked up things happened at work. For the first time, I considered leaving this job. For a lot of reasons, that was really scary and I wasn’t sure what would happen to this job if I left, since I made it. I was then having thoughts about what happens to me if I leave this position that is keeping me here in town. For the first time in 12 years, I wondered if maybe this was a sign I needed to leave. Maybe this was a sign that I have taken enough abuse from this town and it was time to just go. Just the idea of leaving this job and town I love so much threw me in to these episodes of debilitating sadness and I really lost it for a few weeks.

Things calmed down at work and I was able to identify the fucked up things happening and let people know what was going on. Things feel better and seem to be getting better, so I now have hope that I’ll stay at this job and this town for the foreseeable future. I’d love to talk about all this more, but I really would honestly like to not think about it anymore.

So here I am now, on the other side of this shit that had me real fucked up and I feel great. I just got back from the longest vacation I’ve ever taken (a week!!!) and I now have so much more clarity on all these bad things happening around me, it’s wonderful. These past 6 months have been very difficult and at times, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it (or that I even wanted to). But all of it was worth it for this very moment, where I can look back, identify abusive things people did to me and work on ensuring that never happens to me again. Or, if they do, that I’m able to identify and call them out earlier.