This Southern Faggot's Blog


Everyone is dieing
September 26, 2016, 10:42 pm
Filed under: People to remember, Southern life, Thinking Thinking | Tags: , ,

We grew up together. We discovered our Queerness together. She introduced me to the intersectional politics that has shaped who I am, to this very day. She gave me my first radical Queer book that changed everything for me. She gave me my first Mattilda book. We danced together. We laughed. We cried. We lived together for a while (not a good idea). We learned from each other. I learned so much from her.

She died not knowing how important she was to me. She died without me ever properly explaining to me how important she was to me being the person I am today.

She is fucking dead. She will be dead, forever.

For however long I am alive, I’ll always know one thing. I will never see her again.

I can never call her for advice. I can never hear her laugh. I can never process fucked up situations with her again.

My entire life, I was told that people die of a) age or b) a very serious sickness.

People don’t tell you as a kid just how fragile life is. People don’t tell you that when you grow up, your Queer & Trans friends will be living in a world so horrible, they are forced to end it, because they just can’t take it anymore. They don’t tell you that as a kid. They fucking lie.

I have no idea how to talk about suicide. My immediate response was shock. I thought no, not her. Never her, this must be a mistake.

I’m worried that was my initial response, because I thought she was ‘stronger than that’. But I have to check that shit. Suicide isn’t weakness. I have to remember this.

I already miss her so much. I can’t stop thinking of her in that last moment. I just hope that she found the peace that she wanted. The peace she needed. If I can just believe she got that, then I’ll be a bit better.

It feels like Queer & Trans folks are dropping all around me. What do I do if I wake up and realize that everyone I’ve ever loved is dead? What will I do?

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