This Southern Faggot's Blog


6 months

These past 6 months have been very hard. Looking back, I can say that they have easily been the most difficult time in my life. BUT, I made it and that is what I’m most excited about.

I’m coming out on the other side and I am so, so thrilled that I can now see everything more clearly. It isn’t crystal clear, yet, but I feel like it’s getting there and I am absolutely fucking ecstatic about that.

In April, I discovered that the term “fall in love” is actually very accurate. Overnight, I, for some reason, fell in love with this boy that I had been friends/fuck buddies with for 3 years. I’ve talked about him quite a bit here during this time, you know the one. I woke up one morning (literally) and could not stop thinking about him. I have never felt so helpless. I knew it wasn’t right… that we weren’t right… but none of that could stop these incredibly intense feelings that developed. I now also know what people mean when they talk about the heart, as if it is capable of thought or emotion. I really did feel out of control, as if my heart was overpowering all rational thought.

These feelings happened to develop when I felt like my friend group(s) were becoming weaker (I’m certain all of this is connected) and I didn’t feel like I had a lot of people around me I could talk to about these new feelings. Normally this boy was there to hold space for me, but that just didn’t work in this situation. I felt lost and very lonely, which only made my desire for him and that closeness greater. I had some pretty dark thoughts during this time and ended up thinking a lot about death (not suicide, but just, death in general).

All of this lasted for several months and only in the past month have I worked through those feelings and discovered that he was right… we don’t need to ever be a thing. I’ve also realized that I am incredibly grateful that a relationship never bubbled up, as I can now see that I would have gotten hurt and that would have left me in a very bad place. Not maliciously hurt, necessarily, but passively hurt, for sure. Does that make sense? I don’t really know what that means, but it feels appropriate.

Can’t say much more about that, because he may still read this (sharing this was not my best idea, but not one I regret). But just know that things are better and I finally feel like I can move on. A few times over the past few months, I’ve told folks that I thought things were getting better with this boy and while that was partially true, I made things sound much better than they actually were. But now, I can honestly say that I am moving on. I now have the clarity to look back and identify some not great behavior that I need to be on the look out for in the future.

I absolutely can’t wait for folks to ‘come around’. Sitting around and waiting for folks to discover what I already know only makes me look like a fool. I’d really like to work on better sticking to this idea of “fuck yes or no“, but I need to talk to my therapist more about that. This has also been a really good reminder of intent vs. impact.

I’m not sure what the future of our friendship looks like, but I will take that one day at a time. I must put myself first. Always. This is the most important thing for me to remember.

I listened to this song A LOT over the past 6 months. Not accurate to how I feel in many ways, but still felt really good to sing this real loud walking around outside. I don’t regret meeting him, I’m actually incredibly happy that he came into my life. He’s helped me learn so, so many important things about myself over these past 4 (at this point) years. Thank you.

Towards the end of this boy shit happening, some very, very fucked up things happened at work. For the first time, I considered leaving this job. For a lot of reasons, that was really scary and I wasn’t sure what would happen to this job if I left, since I made it. I was then having thoughts about what happens to me if I leave this position that is keeping me here in town. For the first time in 12 years, I wondered if maybe this was a sign I needed to leave. Maybe this was a sign that I have taken enough abuse from this town and it was time to just go. Just the idea of leaving this job and town I love so much threw me in to these episodes of debilitating sadness and I really lost it for a few weeks.

Things calmed down at work and I was able to identify the fucked up things happening and let people know what was going on. Things feel better and seem to be getting better, so I now have hope that I’ll stay at this job and this town for the foreseeable future. I’d love to talk about all this more, but I really would honestly like to not think about it anymore.

So here I am now, on the other side of this shit that had me real fucked up and I feel great. I just got back from the longest vacation I’ve ever taken (a week!!!) and I now have so much more clarity on all these bad things happening around me, it’s wonderful. These past 6 months have been very difficult and at times, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it (or that I even wanted to). But all of it was worth it for this very moment, where I can look back, identify abusive things people did to me and work on ensuring that never happens to me again. Or, if they do, that I’m able to identify and call them out earlier.



Will I ever learn?
June 20, 2016, 7:36 pm
Filed under: Faggot Rant, People to remember

You know those times that you wish you could go back in time and just shake some fucking sense into yourself?

This is absurd and focusing on this is obviously not productive, but this feeling is something I’ve been focusing on, a whole lot, lately.

One or two things in particular, I just can’t believe how fucking stupid I was.

The feeling that things could be better right now, if you had made better decisions in your past is pretty upsetting.



Death and love and stuff
May 7, 2016, 7:14 pm
Filed under: Faggot Rant, People to remember, Thinking Thinking, Uncategorized

The past few weeks have been really rough for me and I’ve been having a very hard time. I’m not suicidal, but my mental health has been worse than it’s been in a long, long time and I have to figure out what I can do to work on this.

The world is a horrible, horrible place and normally I can know that, without focusing on it, but lately I’ve been focusing on it an unhealthy amount. I’ve been thinking about Reecey, a Transwoman recently murdered in Kansas. I’ve been thinking about all the Transwomen that I know have been murdered. I’ve been thinking more about all of the Transwomen who have been murdered without anyone knowing.

 

 

I don’t want to live in a world where Transwomen are brutally murdered each day.

I don’t want to live in a world where I am regularly forced to think about my own death.

I don’t want to live in a world where I believe I will be murdered one day, simply for being a GNC person.

I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t use the bathroom without worrying about my own safety. I don’t want to have to constantly think “Do I have the energy to use a public restroom? Am I emotionally ready to have to defend my existence?”

I don’t want to live in this world, but I do… and I am not suicidal, so I’ll be around for a while.

I’m not sure where I go from here. I feel a little helpless, honestly.

I don’t think anyone reads this anymore, but for those who do, you know that I’ve never really wanted to be in a relationship. I’ve always done things on my own and for my entire life, I’ve thought that translated to my relationship status, as well.

The past several weeks have made me realize, I don’t think this is healthy for me.

I need someone around that I can pour all of these feelings into.

I need someone I can share every aspect of my life and all of my thoughts with.

I need someone who can help me process all of these things.

I need someone I can go out with and we can just look at each other and both know what is going on in each of our minds.

I need someone who challenges the way I view the world, but someone who won’t judge me for my (some would say overly) critical view of the world.

The scariest part of this, for me, is the beginning of each of these sentences. I need someone.

I’ve never thought this in my life. I’ve always viewed myself as a solitary creature. I’ve always taken a bit of pride in that, but I’m realizing, that just isn’t true. I *do* need people. That makes me feel weak… but I know it shouldn’t.

These past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about a relationship that I could have had, but never allowed to happen. The past few weeks I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve been feeling so, so angry at myself for being so fucking stupid and not allowing this really amazing thing to happen.

To give myself credit, I didn’t think I was ready. In reality, I know I wasn’t ready.

But I am now. I think. I think I am ready, but I wanted too long and now that isn’t a possibility.

Joke’s on me, I guess.

I want to be patient. I want to say that I can wait. But it’s hard to wait for something that you feel like you need *right now*. But, I have to wait. So, I will.

I’ll just keeping listening to 1989 and thinking that every single song is relevant to my life and situation right now.



So it’s gonna be forever (or it’s gonna go down in flames)
May 4, 2016, 2:43 pm
Filed under: eh, Faggot Rant, my head hurts., Rants, This town | Tags: , ,

 

I am so, so fucking emotionally exhausted all of the time as of lately and I don’t really see how that is going to change in the near, or even distant, future.

I live in a world where each and every second of the day, I am reminded that people don’t think I should exist.

I can’t go into any bathroom, ever, without wondering what sort of shit I’m going to have to put up with.

At work each day, I work with young folks who are *much worse* off than I am, yet I have to try and convince them it will be *okay*.

But I don’t know if, or when, it will ever be okay. How the fuck am I qualified to try and tell people things will be okay? How much longer can I go on trying to tell people it will be okay, when I’m not sure when, or if, it will ever be okay.

I want to curl up and just cry all night long, but I know this won’t make anything okay, so it’s hard to justify that to myself.

I think a lot of this is coming from not seeing my friends a lot lately. Having this friend time is the only break I get in life, from being continually reminded that I shouldn’t exist. I need these people in my life to remind me that I belong here.

Without them, my emotional well-being is suffering greatly and I really don’t know how to feel about that. In my mind, I am such a solitary creature. But this past month has been a painful reminder that this just isn’t true.

I gotta make some changes in my life. I know that folks *are busy*, but I can’t go much longer without seeing the people in my life that are so important to me.

In very related news, I finally started listening to 1989 and this album is my everything right now.



Call me late for dinner…
January 24, 2012, 6:35 am
Filed under: Faggot Rant | Tags:

I feel like I have talked about this before, but it just happened to me again and it’s a huge pet peeve of mine.

I really, really hate it when people on the street (walking, not driving by or anything) call me faggot, but then when I call them out on it and insist they say it to my face, no one ever has. What I always find interesting is that the people are always younger men. You know, the exact crowd where you could say something like “man up and say it to my face” (I don’t frame it that way, but easily could). I really don’t understand why I have such a problem getting this specific demographic to call me a faggot, to my face. I just want to be able to read the body and facial expressions when they are saying it, that’s the only way I could ever know how they really mean it.

You should also realize that when I say I call people out on it, it’s never something casual. I have gone out of my way to follow someone, trying to get them to look at me and say faggot to my face, but no one ever has.

I could speculate all day why I have never been successful in getting in making this happen, but I wish I knew peoples individual reasons for it.

Any in reality, I don’t really know what I would do if I ever got someone to stop and call me a faggot to my face. In reality, I would probably just say “okay, thanks!” and walk away. I am not the most threatening looking person, so I can’t pretend that anyone would ever be afraid of me physically lashing out. I guess I could be one of those awful liberal gays and say something like “I bet they are just afraid that they will realize how hurtful they are being”, but I refuse to believe it’s that simple.

Maybe no one thinks it’s worth their time, but I don’t really buy that either.

Someday I will figure it out, I hope.



Oh, it’s the day to care about AIDS.
December 2, 2011, 1:26 am
Filed under: Faggot Rant | Tags: , , , , ,

Recently I took part in the training that is required by the state health department to do the rapid testing and counseling of HIV. I was dreading this class for many weeks because I was worried about who was going to be in the class with me. While I am really glad that I took it, it was an incredibly strange experience.

Our class consisted of 30+ individuals, more than half representing the prison system and NONE of them representing local community based organizations, except myself. Everyone was getting paid to be there except me, which became very obvious later on in the class.

In our introductions everyone talked about why were there. When it was my turn, I told everyone I work with homeless Queer/Trans youth and of course the room became very silent. Throughout our entire 20 hour class (over 3 days), this was the first of only 3 times that anything related to Queer/Trans folks came up. The other two times the instructor casually mentioned bisexual men (specifically) in passing, but that’s it.

Later in the class we were going around the room talking about risk reduction and what we would recommend to someone getting tested for reducing their risk. Of course I talked about about things like fisting and watersports as very low risk activities and the room and holy shit you would have thought that I had just bad mouthed baby jesus. Hands flew up, people started talking at the same time and then I got to teach a room of health professionals about other sexual acts that are incredibly low risk. Watching the face of an employee of the prision system about pissing on someone for fun is a really amazing experience.

At some point the instructor told us about bug chasers and everyone started talking about how distrusting that was and how they would recommend them to someone for mental health help ASAP. I raised my hand and said something being unbiased and no one seemed to think this applied in this situation. I also reminded people that they would be saying the exact same thing about faggots 50 years ago. No one saw the connection.

More shit happened, like a prison guard explaining to me how inmates are property of the state and they state does not consent to them having sex, so all sex in prisons is considered rape. But let’s not talk about the rest of that.

What I want to know is, how the fuck did this happen? And, how do I feel about it?

I mean, of course it would appear (ahem) that more attention is being paid to the issue of HIV/AIDS, which in theory is great. But really, we are living in a time when the Queer/Trans HIV/AIDS advocates get no credit for all of their work and are completely glossed over, like the health department has always given a shit about HIV/AIDS.

I mean, HIV/AIDS always has been and still is a very political issue, you really can’t talk about it without talking about politics, can you? But you would not know this in the way they talked about in this class.

After all the work that Queer/Trans folks did around HIV/AIDS and we still don’t even get much of a mention at all? When did this issue become completely whitewashed?

Once again, Queers & Trans folk get completely forgotten and pushed out of the picture.

Fuck, that fucking class was awful.



Punk boys
February 4, 2011, 7:25 pm
Filed under: Faggot Rant, People to remember | Tags: ,

What. The. Fuck is up with all these fucking hot, stinky punk boys that I had a crush on, moving away and then telling me on facebook and they are bi now. They have been bi all along.

Why did you not tell me!

Do you not realize how much nasty, smelly ass sex we could have been having at all those punk houses? Y’all all know I am a big ole faggot, WHY WOULD YOU NEVER MENTION THIS.

One boy got on facebook chat and we were talking and he just brought up out of the blue how he went to some adult video store and let some dude fuck him in the ass for a while, but he had to stop cause spit makes awful lube. I mean, of course it is awful. But then, before telling me any more about the experience, he was all “whoops, gotta go!” and left! What! You can’t do that to me!

And of course, all of these boys have moved away, so now they are just teasing me from afar. What the fuck.

I mean, it is kind of nice because they have all promised me that I will be receiving n00dz soon, which would be fabulous. It would be really neat to have those two worlds intersect. You know, the world of noodz on the internet and the crusty punk world. God, what a delicious combination.