This Southern Faggot's Blog

Make new friends and keep the old (but only if they love and affirm you)

Holy fucking shit.

I made it through 2016 and things are so much brighter on this side. Okay, maybe not brighter, but their is far, far less shit over on this side.

Last time I was here, my friend had just died and I was still struggling with the feelings that I had developed for my (best) friend/fuck buddy for many, many years.

In October, I made the decision to entirely cut ties with that boy, until we saw each other for NYE. I unfriended him everywhere and we didn’t talk, text, or anything. While I knew this was the smartest decision I had made on this topic all year, it was also the hardest.

Seeing him at NYE wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. I thought I was going to cry. I thought that we would both have this incredible hunger to catch up on each other lives. I imagined that we’d walk off into the distance and spend so much time catching up that people would wonder where we had gone. I thought a lot of things, but none of them turned out to actually happen. We hugged and chatted for just a bit and that’s all the catching up we needed. No emotions rushing back, no nothing.

My life moved on and so did his. Holy fuck, I just want to shout that out to the entire world! Our lives moved on! It actually happened! The plan worked! It feels amazing. Sure, I lost my best friend in the process, but I was so in my feelings about him that it was tearing me a part. At the rate we were going, we would both hate each other in a very short amount of time. This is better than that for sure.

I made a good decision and I am really proud of myself.

Loosing him has forced me to reach out and build stronger bonds with the Queer & Trans folk in my life who I had been neglecting. I am so happy that I’ve spent the past few months building (and rebuilding) those relationships.

Maybe we’ll become friends again. Never like we were, but maybe something closer than the distant acquaintances we’ve become.

Time, you do your thing and let’s see what happens. But I’m going to put my time and effort into the folks in my life that love, affirm, understand and care for me.

This is how I’m spending my 2017. How about you?


6 months

These past 6 months have been very hard. Looking back, I can say that they have easily been the most difficult time in my life. BUT, I made it and that is what I’m most excited about.

I’m coming out on the other side and I am so, so thrilled that I can now see everything more clearly. It isn’t crystal clear, yet, but I feel like it’s getting there and I am absolutely fucking ecstatic about that.

In April, I discovered that the term “fall in love” is actually very accurate. Overnight, I, for some reason, fell in love with this boy that I had been friends/fuck buddies with for 3 years. I’ve talked about him quite a bit here during this time, you know the one. I woke up one morning (literally) and could not stop thinking about him. I have never felt so helpless. I knew it wasn’t right… that we weren’t right… but none of that could stop these incredibly intense feelings that developed. I now also know what people mean when they talk about the heart, as if it is capable of thought or emotion. I really did feel out of control, as if my heart was overpowering all rational thought.

These feelings happened to develop when I felt like my friend group(s) were becoming weaker (I’m certain all of this is connected) and I didn’t feel like I had a lot of people around me I could talk to about these new feelings. Normally this boy was there to hold space for me, but that just didn’t work in this situation. I felt lost and very lonely, which only made my desire for him and that closeness greater. I had some pretty dark thoughts during this time and ended up thinking a lot about death (not suicide, but just, death in general).

All of this lasted for several months and only in the past month have I worked through those feelings and discovered that he was right… we don’t need to ever be a thing. I’ve also realized that I am incredibly grateful that a relationship never bubbled up, as I can now see that I would have gotten hurt and that would have left me in a very bad place. Not maliciously hurt, necessarily, but passively hurt, for sure. Does that make sense? I don’t really know what that means, but it feels appropriate.

Can’t say much more about that, because he may still read this (sharing this was not my best idea, but not one I regret). But just know that things are better and I finally feel like I can move on. A few times over the past few months, I’ve told folks that I thought things were getting better with this boy and while that was partially true, I made things sound much better than they actually were. But now, I can honestly say that I am moving on. I now have the clarity to look back and identify some not great behavior that I need to be on the look out for in the future.

I absolutely can’t wait for folks to ‘come around’. Sitting around and waiting for folks to discover what I already know only makes me look like a fool. I’d really like to work on better sticking to this idea of “fuck yes or no“, but I need to talk to my therapist more about that. This has also been a really good reminder of intent vs. impact.

I’m not sure what the future of our friendship looks like, but I will take that one day at a time. I must put myself first. Always. This is the most important thing for me to remember.

I listened to this song A LOT over the past 6 months. Not accurate to how I feel in many ways, but still felt really good to sing this real loud walking around outside. I don’t regret meeting him, I’m actually incredibly happy that he came into my life. He’s helped me learn so, so many important things about myself over these past 4 (at this point) years. Thank you.

Towards the end of this boy shit happening, some very, very fucked up things happened at work. For the first time, I considered leaving this job. For a lot of reasons, that was really scary and I wasn’t sure what would happen to this job if I left, since I made it. I was then having thoughts about what happens to me if I leave this position that is keeping me here in town. For the first time in 12 years, I wondered if maybe this was a sign I needed to leave. Maybe this was a sign that I have taken enough abuse from this town and it was time to just go. Just the idea of leaving this job and town I love so much threw me in to these episodes of debilitating sadness and I really lost it for a few weeks.

Things calmed down at work and I was able to identify the fucked up things happening and let people know what was going on. Things feel better and seem to be getting better, so I now have hope that I’ll stay at this job and this town for the foreseeable future. I’d love to talk about all this more, but I really would honestly like to not think about it anymore.

So here I am now, on the other side of this shit that had me real fucked up and I feel great. I just got back from the longest vacation I’ve ever taken (a week!!!) and I now have so much more clarity on all these bad things happening around me, it’s wonderful. These past 6 months have been very difficult and at times, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it (or that I even wanted to). But all of it was worth it for this very moment, where I can look back, identify abusive things people did to me and work on ensuring that never happens to me again. Or, if they do, that I’m able to identify and call them out earlier.

Time flies

This thing is 7 years old now.

I’m laying in bed reading a few old posts and I can’t even imagine where I was 7 years ago (physically, mentally) and it’s really comforting to know that at any point I can look back here and figure that out.

A lot of things have changed in the past 7 years.

I made a new friend and because of that person, my friend group grew exponentially. I still have all those new friends in my life and I’m really grateful for that. Some aren’t as present as I would like and I’d like to change that. But, I genuinely love those people and they constantly remind me how lucky I am.

One of my good friends died way, way too young and I was able to take all of that hurt and anger and turn it into a project that has already become much larger than I could have ever imagined. This project is now *my job* and I am able to focus all of my energy there. I sometimes worry that because it is now my job, I’ll begin to view it as ‘just a job’, but that has not happened yet. I work everyday to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I discovered the magical world of middle TN, specifically IDA. I don’t really have much more to say about that, but IDA will always hold a special place in my heart.

I bought a house. I figured, if I plan on staying here forever, might as well plant some (literal and figurative) roots, right?

I, for the first time in my life, began trying to dissect my feelings. We’ll just say that’s a work in progress.

I began processing my ideas of my own gender identity and came to a place that I feel really good about. On a related note, I changed my name.

I’ve had sex with a small handful of people. I ended up coming to the conclusion that I’m not interested in hookups with people I don’t really know that well. Not for some slut-shaming reason, but because having sex with people just takes so much energy. I want to make sure I’m investing that energy wisely. On a related note, I’ve only had sex with one person (multiple times, but one person) in the past 3 or so years. I think I’m okay with that.

Two dogs entered my life and they have become my very best friends.

I’m sure other noteworthy things happened, but these are the things that come to mind first. Here’s to another 7 years, hopefully.

Time for a horn solo
December 6, 2012, 5:56 am
Filed under: Interesting day, lessons learned, People to remember, Questions | Tags: , ,

We’re at that point where we kiss goodbye.

This is fun to think about, because I remember putting so much thought into giving you the first hug goodbye. Do you remember? We had just finished walking my dog, but we were standing in front of your door for way too long, still talking. At some point I said goodbye, but we kept talking. We could both obviously feel it, but neither of us made that first move, which is silly. I mean, it’s a fucking hug, what the fuck?

But anyway, we were still talking, just standing there, so we decided to walk more. After that second walk, something changed. We both made the first move, at the same time, to hug each other goodbye. We hugged goodbye and it was really nice, but I remember wanting it to last longer. Granted… I probably wanted it to last forever, so I guess any amount of time wouldn’t have felt like enough time. Did you feel the same way?

Last night, laying in your bed, watching Buffy together was really nice. I meant to go home after Buffy, but instead we laid in your bed just talking. You talk about how you are really, really into me and you are confused about your boyfriend. We talk a little bit about that and I let you know that I am also really, really into you. I’m unsure of what that actually means, but it feels right.

You ask, somewhat rhetorically, what I see in you. All I want to do is hug you and never let you go. I know you aren’t asking in a way that is putting yourself down and I’m really happy that I can see that. I tell him some of the reasons I’m into him and it’s actually really good exercise for me. It’s easy to think these things, but having to find a way to articulate it was very challenging, which I appreciate. We both end up talking about a lot of things, going back and forth and it’s really nice. It feels like we both were very honest and I doubt we both said everything we wanted to, but we did say a lot.

Throughout the night we are kissing. Not in a sexual way necessarily, but very sweetly. We both knew it wasn’t going to lead to sex (not tonight, at least) and sometimes it’s nice to know that ahead of time.

As I leave and we are saying goodbye and hugging, we do the goodnight/goodbye kiss for the first time. Why does this feel so different from when we kiss in your room? Why does this feel so much more passionate and meaningful? Nothing has changed, we just happen to be in a different room (and we are standing up). Maybe this was just a one time thing, a product of the conversation we had previously in the night, right?

But tonight, I just left your house and we had another goodbye/goodnight kiss and it was so, so fucking nice.

I guess we’re at that point where we kiss goodbye. Having something to smile about is also really nice.

1 Beer Queer
October 16, 2010, 4:10 am
Filed under: lessons learned, People to remember, Tricks turned lessons learned | Tags: ,

I found this beer in my attic. I put it in the fridge a long time ago and decided to drink it tonight. This has been my first beer in forever.

The bitterness, the wonderful awfulness. Everything about it brings back so many memories. All of them good, somehow.

Mostly I am remembering the times when I had this same taste in my mouth and making out with someone. But you know, really sloppy making out. The kind where your whole face ends up wet after and everything smells like dried beer spit, but at the time that is the most wonderful smell in the world and all you want to do is smell that smell for the rest of your life.

Oh wait, now I am just thinking about how I can not remember the last time I made out with someone who was not a trick. I guess it has been more than a year at this point, which is really weird to think about.

I need to find someone to make out with me.

Fried Green Tomatos

The weather has such an incredibly influence on my mood. It always amazes me.

Today is the first day of summer, where it has been nice enough to leave all the windows open and not worry about AC. I really, really love fall and winter. For a long part of my life, the weather changing meant that I would soon be sad all the time, so I would just walk through what fields and woods I could find. I would just walk and listen to music, either singing, or crying, or both.

Usually both.

Part of me misses something about that, I am not sure exactly what. Maybe I miss being emotional enough to cry about something. It seems that lately it is hard for me to care enough about anything to cry, which I hate.

I just finished the movie Fried Green Tomatos, which is easily my favorite movie, ever (and also happens to be one of the only things that can make me cry). It always makes me feel like I am missing something, missing a part of southern culture that I am in love with, but have actually truley lived. It always makes me realize how much I long to live in a house, in the middle of the woods, with just a few people I can trust. We would have a little house with lots of fans and no air conditioning. It would have a huge tree in the yard and I would have a swing and a huge tree house. Of course their would also be a fabulous garden and a little creek to swim in and really, thats all I would need. I could spend the rest of my life hiking through the woods and getting to know whatever tiny town I was living in. Sure I would visit the city some times, but those trips would need to be far and few between.

June 25, 2010, 5:51 am
Filed under: lessons learned, mom | Tags: ,

I thought I was not going to have to deal with this anymore, I apparently was wrong.

My dad is out of town, so out of pity, I agreed to go to dinner with my mother. She seemed really fucked up right when I picked her up, although she said she was not on anything.

At some point during the night she started crying and yelling, asking why we were not closer. I let her know that we were not close for many, many reasons, but being an alcoholic for my entire life did not help the situation at all.

She let me know that we should just put that behind us and start over. For some reason, in her head, it was expected for me to forget about my entire childhood, forget about her passing out before 5 every night, forget about her constantly breaking promises to me because she was “sick”, forget about her not ever being there for me.

The night ended with her screaming, throwing food around the table and storming out of the place.

I’m not really sure to do at this point. From this point, clearly I will never go out to dinner or be alone with her, ever again. No amount of pity could change that. But, I still enjoy my fathers company and generally enjoy going out to eat with him, I wish he was not so good at ignoring my mothers insanity. I want to be able to talk to him about this fucked up person he married, but he always just brushes it aside.

I want to yell at him, shake him and somehow make him understand that everything will not be alright. Things are not alright.