This Southern Faggot's Blog


Love
January 9, 2013, 7:01 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important, Thinking Thinking | Tags: , , ,

Is it possible to love everything about a person (both their physical being and non-physical), but not be in-love with them? Where is that line? If this is possible, what would be keeping someone from finding themselves in-love?

I wish I had the ability to analyze what I feel, as much as I do with what I think. I feel pretty confident that I have spent time figuring out what I think and why and also how I made the journey to those thoughts. But I can’t do that with my feelings (but can any of us?). Inside my head is this weird soup of feelings and emotions that are only possible to see as one mass, impossible to separate back out. Looking at the big picture, wouldn’t the ability to analyze our feelings be more useful than our thoughts? What am I missing?

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Cuddling
June 24, 2012, 4:21 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important, People to remember | Tags:

I mean… maybe I’m not as into cuddling as I always thought/assumed I was.

I mean, I’m not really one to fantasize about blow jobs, or fucking, or any of that. Mostly those things have just been things you do, to become tired enough to be able to cuddle with someone, without staying up all night thinking about how nice cuddling is. Does that make sense?

Okay, so what had happened was that this boy came over for 3 hours, because he was waiting on his Megabus and I told him he could come cuddle. He did. This was the first sexual human contact I had had in… what, right about a year? I think that’s right. It was nice, we of course jerked off together, which is actually my preferred sexual activity. It’s just so easy and you are always in control, what could be better? Anyway, we jerked off together and then cuddled for a few hours and it was just hot and sticky and sweaty and not good at all. But, this same thing has happened to me the past few times I have cuddled and the person I am cuddling with ALWAYS is such a clingy big spoon and I really hate that. So I end up having to either be the big spoon, so that I can control what sweaty & hot body parts of us touch, or I roll over and try to have some cuddle free time, but they always assume the role of big spoon. It’s not just the fact that its fucking summer time in the south, but any time during cuddling, wherever two body parts touch, its always just too much body heat for me to be comfortable with.

I really hate this though. I want to love cuddling. I want to love intimacy so much that I am willing to have it, regardless of how much heat or sweat it produces. I mean, certainly I could handle this from some sort of longer term someone, right?



Days of discovery
January 7, 2012, 6:04 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important, People to remember | Tags: ,

I had way too much coffee tonight. Somenights I just can’t stop, even though I know I need to go to bed.

After Waffle House today, I might have accidentally followed that cute boy to the river. I mean, he left 30 minutes before I did. But was that him? Why do I want that to be him so badly?

The river was really smooth tonight, almost so much so it felt wrong. We have a cold front moving in, I sat and watched the fog roll in.

Growing up in the same town you have lived your whole life sometimes is funny. While watching the fog roll in, I realized that I was just feet away from the very stage I once performed “Age of Aquarius” with my elementary school show choir. I remember we had all these moves that we could not do because the concrete was too hot for us to get on the ground. Why does that one specific memory so strong?

Later on, I also ended up letting some dude rub my feet while he jerked off next to that very stage. It’s funny how things like that happen.



.
December 18, 2011, 5:04 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important | Tags: ,

Do you ever have nights where you want to be around people you don’t necessarily like, because life is so much easier? You know, not giving a shit about what you say because you know you don’t care at all. Or you know you won’t really be seeing these people again anyway.

I am having a night like that. I am about to go be with this group of punk kids I used to hang out with a lot. It might be awful, but I really just want to be around people I don’t necessarily like right now.



This nothingness
December 3, 2011, 2:16 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important | Tags: , , ,

The other night I got on craigslist for the first time in months and months. Not “got on” like I posted something, or replied to someone. “Got on” like I have not even been to that website, or any of the others, in so many months I can’t remember.

But the other night I just really wanted someone warm in my bed. I was kind of romanticizing that awkwardness. You know. Inviting someone over, having to have that small talk between the door and the bedroom. I love that. Love love love that. It’s so much fun to just completely make everything up. You get a chance to be anyone you want.

But craigslist is the same as always. It is always the same as always.

Except that I also got on okcupid, which I had completely forgotten about.

I like okcupid a whole lot. I mean, its pretty tame and boring, but sometimes that is nice. It reminds me of this website I used to be really active on, mogenic.com. It was the only gay personals website that I had ever found (or have ever seen) where you could actually put your real age. I think the youngest age that you could be on there was 14. 14! Can you imagine what it was like for be, being 14 and being able to actually admit that I was 14?

Thinking back on how much that website meant to me almost brings me to tears. When I hear people talking about how bad the internet is and how it distances everyone from each other, I always think back to that website. How would I have made it without the internet? Without that specific website… I just don’t know.

Back to okcupid. I really like that website, it seems like a good place to find people to cuddle with, which is all I really care about. But, I guess not that much since I just went many months without even thinking about it at all.

Somedays I just want to sit around and watch Parking Wars. Have you seen that show? A reality show about people who boot cars and write tickets. I really love it. It makes me wonder how many people we have like that in this town. Not that many, I  imagine.

But it’s Friday night and I want to do something. Something physical would be nice. I wish I could go swimming.

I have been thinking about getting into swimming for a while now. But do I really want to navigate those locker rooms? Maybe. I want to go swimming and then get into the amazing hot tub and just sit there for hours.

I wish I could take a bath, but we never have enough hot water to take a good bath. So I end up having to boil gallons of water on the stove and that just kills it, you know?



That’s right
October 1, 2011, 5:34 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important | Tags:

For the past few years, my roomate and I have been almost exclusive sink-peers. Er, peeers? Anyway, I don’t know how it started. I mean, maybe it started as a joke? Yes, I think it started as a joke but then it just… kept happening. Now it feels really strange to pee in toilets and I find myself walking towards the sink in public bathrooms when other people are in there, but then I have to force myself to use a toilet.

There, now you know my dirty secret!

It’s just so nice! If any liberals read this, I could relate it to them and say that we did it to be environmentally friendly, but that simply isn’t the case.

If you think public sex is exciting, try public sink peeing. Much more thrilling and almost as exciting.

This is all. Goodnight.



Heat

Why is it so easy to forget about this little place, when it is one of the only things that helps me remember that other people exist in the world? This little blog and the people who read it are my window into other parts of the world, but specifically America. Why do I forget about it so easily?

The past few weeks (or, months) have been interesting. And very hot. We just got out of a few days of 120 degree heat index. But it has rained quite a bit and it has cooled down to about 95, the people on the radio called it a cold front. 95 feels amazing.

I found a preying mantis in my house the other day. It was really cute and seemed to be more alert than most of the people I see on a day to day basis. It’s antenna did not seem like they were long enough. I always think that when I see these.

I have been thinking about my parents house quite a bit lately. I really like seeing all of the work that my dad has put into putting the yard together. It has taken many years, but he has created this neat land of native plants that feels like everything belongs. I mean, yes they are native so technically they do belong, but he did a really good job none the less. The fish in the pond also had babies and they like to swim up to your finger and nibble on it, which is the best feeling in the world. Also, they have air conditioning, which I appreciate very much.

Goodnight. I will do better with this, I hope (or, promise?)