This Southern Faggot's Blog

6 months

These past 6 months have been very hard. Looking back, I can say that they have easily been the most difficult time in my life. BUT, I made it and that is what I’m most excited about.

I’m coming out on the other side and I am so, so thrilled that I can now see everything more clearly. It isn’t crystal clear, yet, but I feel like it’s getting there and I am absolutely fucking ecstatic about that.

In April, I discovered that the term “fall in love” is actually very accurate. Overnight, I, for some reason, fell in love with this boy that I had been friends/fuck buddies with for 3 years. I’ve talked about him quite a bit here during this time, you know the one. I woke up one morning (literally) and could not stop thinking about him. I have never felt so helpless. I knew it wasn’t right… that we weren’t right… but none of that could stop these incredibly intense feelings that developed. I now also know what people mean when they talk about the heart, as if it is capable of thought or emotion. I really did feel out of control, as if my heart was overpowering all rational thought.

These feelings happened to develop when I felt like my friend group(s) were becoming weaker (I’m certain all of this is connected) and I didn’t feel like I had a lot of people around me I could talk to about these new feelings. Normally this boy was there to hold space for me, but that just didn’t work in this situation. I felt lost and very lonely, which only made my desire for him and that closeness greater. I had some pretty dark thoughts during this time and ended up thinking a lot about death (not suicide, but just, death in general).

All of this lasted for several months and only in the past month have I worked through those feelings and discovered that he was right… we don’t need to ever be a thing. I’ve also realized that I am incredibly grateful that a relationship never bubbled up, as I can now see that I would have gotten hurt and that would have left me in a very bad place. Not maliciously hurt, necessarily, but passively hurt, for sure. Does that make sense? I don’t really know what that means, but it feels appropriate.

Can’t say much more about that, because he may still read this (sharing this was not my best idea, but not one I regret). But just know that things are better and I finally feel like I can move on. A few times over the past few months, I’ve told folks that I thought things were getting better with this boy and while that was partially true, I made things sound much better than they actually were. But now, I can honestly say that I am moving on. I now have the clarity to look back and identify some not great behavior that I need to be on the look out for in the future.

I absolutely can’t wait for folks to ‘come around’. Sitting around and waiting for folks to discover what I already know only makes me look like a fool. I’d really like to work on better sticking to this idea of “fuck yes or no“, but I need to talk to my therapist more about that. This has also been a really good reminder of intent vs. impact.

I’m not sure what the future of our friendship looks like, but I will take that one day at a time. I must put myself first. Always. This is the most important thing for me to remember.

I listened to this song A LOT over the past 6 months. Not accurate to how I feel in many ways, but still felt really good to sing this real loud walking around outside. I don’t regret meeting him, I’m actually incredibly happy that he came into my life. He’s helped me learn so, so many important things about myself over these past 4 (at this point) years. Thank you.

Towards the end of this boy shit happening, some very, very fucked up things happened at work. For the first time, I considered leaving this job. For a lot of reasons, that was really scary and I wasn’t sure what would happen to this job if I left, since I made it. I was then having thoughts about what happens to me if I leave this position that is keeping me here in town. For the first time in 12 years, I wondered if maybe this was a sign I needed to leave. Maybe this was a sign that I have taken enough abuse from this town and it was time to just go. Just the idea of leaving this job and town I love so much threw me in to these episodes of debilitating sadness and I really lost it for a few weeks.

Things calmed down at work and I was able to identify the fucked up things happening and let people know what was going on. Things feel better and seem to be getting better, so I now have hope that I’ll stay at this job and this town for the foreseeable future. I’d love to talk about all this more, but I really would honestly like to not think about it anymore.

So here I am now, on the other side of this shit that had me real fucked up and I feel great. I just got back from the longest vacation I’ve ever taken (a week!!!) and I now have so much more clarity on all these bad things happening around me, it’s wonderful. These past 6 months have been very difficult and at times, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it (or that I even wanted to). But all of it was worth it for this very moment, where I can look back, identify abusive things people did to me and work on ensuring that never happens to me again. Or, if they do, that I’m able to identify and call them out earlier.


The number game

This boy that I’m talking to is able to remember every one of his tricks and knows the number of people he’s had sex with. The number isn’t astonishingly high or low, but I am really jealous that he is able to do this, so I’ve been trying to figure out all the people I’ve had sex with, here’s what I have now. I’m not actually entirely sure of the order.

  1. Man down the street from my parents house. He was my first time to get fucked and all he wanted to do was fuck me and then have me leave. I wanted to kiss and cuddle, but that didn’t happen. He gave me crabs, fuck that dude.
  2. Boy in Utah. He fucked me while we watched Minority Report and then refused to talk to me ever again.
  3. That boy who I met on Grindr and he came over a few times. We blew each other and I remember he had the hungriest ass I had ever experienced. I finger fucked him and I remember thinking I could easily fist him if I had the proper supplies. He came over to my house twice and the second time he drove so drunk I had to carry him up my stairs.
  4. That one boy who lived by the stadium and was a sports fan, I think. He was cute and we seemed to have fun, I wondered what happened to him. We blew each other.
  5. That boy from Memphis who was traveling through. We jerked each other off and made out all night, super fun.
  6. My very first trick, who turned to be an asshole. He fucked me and just loved it apparently, but didn’t want to pay me after our first time.
  7. That trick who I saw several times, I enjoyed him quite a bit. We used to go to my favorite indian restaurant and then we would go back to my place, make out and blow each other. He loved, loved, loved to have his balls pulled on super hard.
  8. That one trick who I had while I was living in my attic. He was super into my feet and hit his head on the attic ceiling and bled a bit. I felt bad.
  9. That trick who I loved talking to and we would just lay around and chat for an hour and then he would watch me jerk off. He used to turn tricks when he was younger, we would talk a lot about that.
  10. The one trick who I had three times. He would always greet me with a bath which was nice. Honey his house was tacky! The last time we were together he was obviously filming us, but wouldn’t admit to it so I took the money and left, never saw him again.
  11. That boy I met on OkCupid, who lived a couple hours away. We chatted via text, phone and e-mail for a long time and got together a few times. He fucked me and we filmed it for his boyfriend and that was a lot of fun. We have lost touch and I really regret that, but don’t really know what happened with that.
  12. Gay fest, where 3 straight boys and myself stayed up all night blowing each other. I’m still friends with those folks and I would love for this to happen again.
  13. Gay fest boy 2
  14. Gay fest boy 3
  15. The boy who loved, loved, loved Disney. He had a bunch of mickey tattoos (you can’t trust anyone who loves Disney). We blew each other and when I came into his mouth, he ran into the bathroom to spit it out. It seemed like it should feel more disgusting to hold it in your mouth for a period of time, instead of just swallowing it.
  16. After a night of drinking and dancing, this boy and I ended up on his friends couch and we just went to town on each other all night. We blew each other and he apparently brused easily, because when we woke up it looked like someone had taken a bat to his neck and chest. I didn’t realize I was sucking and chewing that hard. The next time together he tore up my neck and he was also the first (and only person) I fucked. It was nice, but not something I was terribly excited about.
  17. This boy came over to my house and I eagerly worked and worked on his cock, eventually he came all over his stomach (didn’t want me to eat it) and left. He wasn’t interested in returning the favor. The next time we got together (years later) the same thing happened, but I was SURE to get some attention this time.
  18. That one boy who fucked me and told me I was the best he had ever been with. He’s been begging me and begging me since to come over again and I am not interested at all. He was the most boring, vanilla person I had ever been with.
  19. Several years ago, the current boyfriend of the boy I am interested in were at a party and we cuddled that night. When we woke up, we made out and he jerked off.
  20. This boy loved to cuddle, make out and suck dick, was totally fine with me. He had a big penis and the 3rd time we were together he tried to fuck me (with a condom, of course) without playing with my ass first or eating my ass and I just said “That’s not going to happen without any attention” and he gave up. 😦 We liked to watch Roseanne together.
  21. This boy identifies as straight sometimes, bisexual other times. He was a local punk from the late 90s and he showed me the best time I have ever had. He was rough and fun and when I left the next morning my whole body hurt from getting bitten, spanked, having my hair pulled and having his stubble scrape over my entire body. Best feeling.
  22. When I was in Utah, 2 of my coworkers wanted to have sex with me, so we went to their house, but they ended up fucking and I blew one of them and then watched them fuck and I jerked off.
  23. I had known this boy since I was 14 and was always attracted to him. We used to trade DVDs of porn we liked when we were 16. I never liked him personally, but looking at him was nice. Several years later I somehow end up at the house he lives at and he was really drunk and we ended up hooking up. I blew him (I was very surprised at how big his penis was) and played with his ass (also very hungry) but then he kicked me out of his room and I slept somewhere else. I was sober, he was very drunk, I should have never done this and I never did after this.
  24. This kid was in high school (but 18), his mom was out of town and I went over to his house for some reason, maybe to help him with homework? We ended up blowing each other and I was his first person to be intimate with ever (didn’t know that at the time, but should have been able to see it. Not that it really matters). I remember him having the most beautiful penis I had ever seen. To this day, it still is the best penis I have seen. We hooked up twice and that was that.
  25. Last time I was in NYC I went to this dudes house, that was apparently in a really, really bad neighborhood for me to be in (I later found out). We blew each other, jerked off and went to bed. When I woke up I had missed quite a few calls from my friend who was super worried about me and I felt bad about that. She later explained about the neighborhood and I was really sad that I had worried her so much. This guy was really awkward
  26. I met this boy on ManHunt and he was stunning blue colar (who identified as such), really muscular boy. We blew each other, made out and jerked off. We still chat sometimes, but he works nights so our schedules don’t ever work. I miss seeing him.
  27. Another Utah boy. Don’t remember much about him, we did the usual (for me) stuff.
  28. Oh yea, I had forgotten about this person. This was the person with the worst hair I had ever seen, do you remember? I think he tried to fuck me, but I was totally not into it so I think I just sent him home. God this person was terrible.

28 people that I can remember right now, I assume I’m forgetting at least 1 trick and at least 1 other (non-paying), so let’s call it a even 30. I never really knew what that number would turn out being. I’m not offended or surprised by 30, it’s just interesting to actually lay it out.

I disagree
September 23, 2011, 1:22 am
Filed under: Country Music, People I wish I could forget, People to remember, Questions | Tags:

I have been thinking a lot about liberal folk recently.

I want to know what kind of world we live in where this ‘agree to disagree’ shit is okay. I mean, doesn’t it feel like a cop out to you? In my experience, people ‘agree to disagree’ to end a conversation, but why can’t we continue talking? And isn’t agreeing to disagree essentially saying that you are not completely of your viewpoint? I mean, if you were 100% sure, why would you take anything less?

To me it feels like people don’t think they are allowed to disagree with the viewpoints of other people. But why? Why are we programmed to not know how to have honest conversations with people we disagree with? Or whos viewpoints differ from ours?

See, heres why I hate liberals, everything has to be politically correct for them to operate. But I don’t want to you to be worried about being politically correct with me, ever. Say what you want to say so that I know and I don’t have to keep on guessing. I would much rather sit around a campfire in the rural South with a group of people who think ‘homosexuality is a sin’ (or whatever) than have some conversation with some liberal who I am never really sure what they think about anything. If you think I deserve to die cause I’m a Faggot, I want you to tell me, I can work with that.

It is so refreshing to talk to people who will actually tell you what they think and not worry about being PC.

I feel like this is a Southern thing, or maybe just a rural thing. But being able to have honest conversations with someone who does not share your exact viewpoints is a really valuable trait that I honor and love.

I have been lacking these people in my life as of late and I really hate that. I just want people to tell me what they think, for the love of fuck.

But really
February 4, 2011, 7:18 pm
Filed under: Faggot Rant, People I wish I could forget | Tags: , ,

But really, why can’t people just call me a faggot, to my face? Why do they have to do it while I am walking down the street, or playing DDR, or by yelling it at my house?

What kind of world do we live in, that is so impersonal, you can’t even take the time to insult someone to their face? I mean, look at me. I am just un-intimidating faggot, wearing all pink and purple, walking down the street. Are you worried I might hit you? I mean, sure I fight dirty and I have no problem with a good ole kick in the crotch, but I save that for special situations.

Are you worried that I will cut my self and get my nasty faggot blood on you?

Or do you just know that when I ask you why you think that is okay, you won’t have any answer?

I just want someone to be able to call me a faggot, to my face. I want to be able to see the expression on your face and I want to be able to see your eyes. The eyes always give away your intentions. Maybe you are afraid that if I can see your eyes, I will be able to see that you are not angry or disgusted when you call me a faggot, but scared. Maybe you don’t want me to know that you are not angry.

All our neighbors

I think you will remember me talking about the neighbors under us. They are great, right? Apparently not.

Our downstairs neighbor apparently hates dogs, so she yelled at the new dog living at my house (who is part pit bull, but super nice) and the dog growled back, which she was not about at all. She ran up the stairs, told my new roommate that she was going to shoot his dog, which she of course won’t, but whatever. She yelled at us about the dog a few more times after that, so we have been walking him out the back and doing whatever we can do to keep them apart. But the day before we take in our rent, my new roommate is in his room and he can hear our neighbor yelling, very loud, about how all she knows is that the faggots upstairs aren’t going to have that dog any more. She yelled faggot a few more times and then stopped.

But the day after she called us all faggots (to our house, not to our face, of course), our pipes froze, burst and flooded their house! I don’t believe in karma, but if I did…

Anyway, when the awful woman came up to ask me if our house was flooding, we talked very briefly and she started walking back down the stairs. I asked her why she thought it was okay to call us Faggots and told her she should really just stay to to our face. She just kept on walking so I asked her if she was going to address what I just said and she said that she just yelled about the dog and has a lesbian living at her house (so of course she would NEVER call us faggots). Clearly I told her she was lieing, but even if she was not, she better fucking be more careful about who she lets around her house. She totally just brushed the whole thing off and walked back downstairs.

5 minutes later, she has the nerve to walk into our kitchen, uninvited and chatted to me and the plumber like we were fucking friends. I told her to get out, we don’t allow asshole bigots in our house and she left without a word.

Why can’t we get along with any of our fucking neighbors, EVER. We are the best neighbors, when you are not assholes.

Also, I told our landlords that we might have to print out some Tom of Finland posters to hang on our back porch and they seemed to think that was a good idea. I love my landlords so much.

DDR Faggot

So, how fitting that I have a perfect example of my last post!

My roommate and I were playing Dance Dance Revolution (DDR), as we do quite a bit and RIGHT when we get on the machine, this group of guys on the basketball game thing start making faggot remarks. I turn around to give them “I fucking hate you and hope you die” look, which of course does nothing. Also, my “I fucking hate you and hope you die” look might look like something else to other people, who knows.

Anyway, so they make a few more faggot remarks, but then stop, which is good because it was fucking up my mad DDR game. But then it started up again and I could not handle it anymore so I just got off the machine and asked the group who called me a faggot. Of course no one claimed it (typical), which just pissed me off more so then I started yelling and told them that if they are going to call me a faggot, at least do it to my face. Eventually, I was shouting as loud as I could and they all walked away, which was pretty nice. Somehow I managed to not just break down into a sobbing wreck, which is really good.

After words, a woman with the sparkliest lip gloss I have ever seen and was really nice and just tod me to not worry about them and we chatted for a while. It was really nice.

Anyway, seeing all of those fucking kids be too afraid to call me a faggot to my face was really wonderful.

But, now I feel like shit. I just want to go to bed and sleep for days and days. I think it was totally worth it, but fuck, I wish this shit wasn’t so draining.

Has “so much” really happened?
December 28, 2010, 4:12 pm
Filed under: eh, People I wish I could forget | Tags: , ,

I just got back from NYC. It was a very interesting trip, to say the least.

My layover in Knoxville ended up being 44 hours, which was absolutely terrible and kind of ruined a big part of the trip for me. It was really interesting though, because on the ride to Knoxville, everyone around me was either using that great “adam & steve” line or talking openly about how awul fags are, which is whatever. But then at the very end of our stay in Knoxville, I was talking with this dude who was in the back of the bus. Very loudly, not saying anything to stop his friends from being assholes. Anyway, I started chatting with him and he ends up telling me that he his bisexual and runs this nude cleaning service back home where he lives. He talks about sucking dicks for money for a bit and eventually says that he is sorry that his friends were such assholes. He was clearly looking for me to say that it was okay that he didn’t say anything. I ended up letting him know that it was kind of fucked up that he very obviously didn’t say anything. Not even the bro “nah dude, thats cool I don’t give a shit what other people do” thing.

Overall NYC was a very strange trip. I was really glad to see my friends, but I just could not get into the city. It just got so frustrating that so many people refuse to open up in public, I guess afraid that if they open up they might get hurt. People would get on the train and sing or dance and people would just look away and pretend that was not happening. I mean, I guess you see that every day, whatever, but really, its probably okay to at least acknowledge that is something is happening around you.

I did think that it was really interesting that manhunt, adam4adam, craigslist, all of those sites, look exactly the same up there, as they do down here. Everyone is looking for masculine, str8 actin dudes, even in the city. I was expecting something different, but I guess I don’t really know what. I mean, I was able to find a few interesting people, which was nice.

Now that I am back home, I am really missing those couple of interesting people on those various websites. Even though I didn’t actually meet any of them, it was just nice to be reminded that they exist. Down here, I am constantly looking for that reassurance, but I never get it.

I was hoping to come home to fabulous weather down here, but it is just as cold here as it was in NYC. Normally I love winter, but this winter I was over it from the beginning.