This Southern Faggot's Blog

Everyone is dieing
September 26, 2016, 10:42 pm
Filed under: People to remember, Southern life, Thinking Thinking | Tags: , ,

We grew up together. We discovered our Queerness together. She introduced me to the intersectional politics that has shaped who I am, to this very day. She gave me my first radical Queer book that changed everything for me. She gave me my first Mattilda book. We danced together. We laughed. We cried. We lived together for a while (not a good idea). We learned from each other. I learned so much from her.

She died not knowing how important she was to me. She died without me ever properly explaining to me how important she was to me being the person I am today.

She is fucking dead. She will be dead, forever.

For however long I am alive, I’ll always know one thing. I will never see her again.

I can never call her for advice. I can never hear her laugh. I can never process fucked up situations with her again.

My entire life, I was told that people die of a) age or b) a very serious sickness.

People don’t tell you as a kid just how fragile life is. People don’t tell you that when you grow up, your Queer & Trans friends will be living in a world so horrible, they are forced to end it, because they just can’t take it anymore. They don’t tell you that as a kid. They fucking lie.

I have no idea how to talk about suicide. My immediate response was shock. I thought no, not her. Never her, this must be a mistake.

I’m worried that was my initial response, because I thought she was ‘stronger than that’. But I have to check that shit. Suicide isn’t weakness. I have to remember this.

I already miss her so much. I can’t stop thinking of her in that last moment. I just hope that she found the peace that she wanted. The peace she needed. If I can just believe she got that, then I’ll be a bit better.

It feels like Queer & Trans folks are dropping all around me. What do I do if I wake up and realize that everyone I’ve ever loved is dead? What will I do?


Time flies

This thing is 7 years old now.

I’m laying in bed reading a few old posts and I can’t even imagine where I was 7 years ago (physically, mentally) and it’s really comforting to know that at any point I can look back here and figure that out.

A lot of things have changed in the past 7 years.

I made a new friend and because of that person, my friend group grew exponentially. I still have all those new friends in my life and I’m really grateful for that. Some aren’t as present as I would like and I’d like to change that. But, I genuinely love those people and they constantly remind me how lucky I am.

One of my good friends died way, way too young and I was able to take all of that hurt and anger and turn it into a project that has already become much larger than I could have ever imagined. This project is now *my job* and I am able to focus all of my energy there. I sometimes worry that because it is now my job, I’ll begin to view it as ‘just a job’, but that has not happened yet. I work everyday to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I discovered the magical world of middle TN, specifically IDA. I don’t really have much more to say about that, but IDA will always hold a special place in my heart.

I bought a house. I figured, if I plan on staying here forever, might as well plant some (literal and figurative) roots, right?

I, for the first time in my life, began trying to dissect my feelings. We’ll just say that’s a work in progress.

I began processing my ideas of my own gender identity and came to a place that I feel really good about. On a related note, I changed my name.

I’ve had sex with a small handful of people. I ended up coming to the conclusion that I’m not interested in hookups with people I don’t really know that well. Not for some slut-shaming reason, but because having sex with people just takes so much energy. I want to make sure I’m investing that energy wisely. On a related note, I’ve only had sex with one person (multiple times, but one person) in the past 3 or so years. I think I’m okay with that.

Two dogs entered my life and they have become my very best friends.

I’m sure other noteworthy things happened, but these are the things that come to mind first. Here’s to another 7 years, hopefully.

Love (just like blood) will always stain
April 17, 2016, 6:13 pm
Filed under: Southern life, This town | Tags: ,

Yesterday I had coffee with a small group of Lesbian elders and it gave me so, so much energy. One of them is the author of the book who entirely changed the way I look at oppression and intersectionality. This is the second time I have met her. The first time we couldn’t talk because I ended up breaking down and crying, it was too much. I was better this time.

We talked about the LGBT history of this town a bit, which I am ALWAYS ready to adsorb. We also talked quite a bit about this project I’m working on and they were very interested and had many kind words to say. I regularly get compliments on this project, but coming from this group of women, who have spent the last 30 years doing organizing work in this community… that just meant the world to me.

One of my friends let me borrow two LGBT (well, gay and lesbian) literary magazines from this town in the early 90’s and reading them has been incredibly fulfilling. I’m reading works from names I recognize, which isn’t surprising. I’m reading works from names I don’t recognize, which makes me sad. I’m reading works from people I’ve known, who are no longer with us. I’m reading works from people I feel like I know, but died before I ever met them. I’m reading these works from people in my own community who, in the past, did amazing work here locally and even I’m unaware of many of the things they did for me. I say ‘even I’m’, because I’d consider myself someone who is obsessed with this town’s LGBT history… yet, I still know so little. In the grand scheme of things, I really know nothing. I don’t know my own history and I know that many (if not most) of my peers know even less than I. I hate thinking about this.

I’m reading all of this and it’s a reminder that no matter what good we do in this world, no matter what changes we make happen, or help happen… we will end up being forgotten. All of us, just forgotten, like we never existed. Maybe someone will name something after us, or maybe our name will appear in obscure text. But, other than that, our memory will slowly disappear from our everyday conscious.

I’ve spent today thinking about this and it’s really upsetting. Is this just human nature? How could it be human nature to forget our past? To forget our histories? Is this a coping mechanism? Is this to keep us from thinking so much about the past, we don’t think about our present, or future?

Maybe, but I’m not okay with that. I want to understand what happened in this community before my time. I want to know all of these people. I want to know all of their stories. I know this isn’t possible. We’ve done such a poor job of documenting the local LGBT history, I really don’t have many options. I hate thinking about this.

I know I have a tendency to obsess over and romanticize the past. I find myself doing it all the time. I regularly find myself thinking that I was born in the wrong era. This is dangerous because in doing this, I end up thinking about all of the amazing people that existed in this community, who I will never know… but I need to remember that many amazing people exist today and I can’t forget about them. I can’t lock myself away thinking about the past, while forgetting about the present. Somewhere is a middle and I need to find it.

Maybe someday.

The night I can’t forget
November 24, 2012, 5:55 pm
Filed under: Country Music, Interesting day, People to remember, Southern life | Tags: , , ,

“What do you want to do” I ask, as we have just finished walking my dog but both can feel that we want to be with each other for the rest of the night.

“I don’t know, I don’t care” you respond. I have found in the short time we have known each other that you frequently don’t have any idea of what you want to do when we are together. Is this because you are indecisive, or is it because you don’t care what we do, because you just want to be with me, regardless of what we are doing? I get the feeling it’s a mixture of both, but maybe more of the latter.

“Okay, I’m going to take you to one of my favorite spots in town. No… it actually might be my favorite, I’ve never taken anyone there before” I respond. You smile in that way that I love. It’s the same smile that a child would have when you told them they were going to Disneyland, or when you told them you got them a Furby. It’s a smile of pure joy, not tainted by any other thoughts or agendas. It’s a smile that you wear and somehow you aren’t afraid to share it with me. Why does it always seem like the walls you have built around yourself are so much smaller and less dense than mine? Before I met you, I would never, never imagine giving anyone that sort of smile. I would always, always be too afraid of showing too many of my cards. I could’t let the other person know that I was that happy, it would make me too vulnerable  But with you… with you that’s changing. I’ve seen that smile in you and a few times you’ve seen that smile on me. Have you noticed? Have you even noticed that I frequently let my walls down for you? If you haven’t noticed, maybe that’s for the best. But if you have, I appreciate that you haven’t yet taken advantage of me. I hope you never do, it might destroy me.

You don’t ask me any more questions about where we are going, you simply get in my truck and we start to drive. I take you across the river and we take an exit that doesn’t seem to lead anywhere of any interest, but you still don’t ask any questions. You trust me.

The whole time we are driving, we talk about our lives, our pasts and our futures. You claim to not know where you are going in life, but I get the feeling that you do, you just don’t want to think about it. In the background the mix cd that I made for you is playing. You ended up really enjoying the country songs I put on there, which is funny because I debated putting them on there in the first place. Another nice surprise.

We continue driving to my favorite spot and you still don’t ask any questions, although I can tell you want to. We take our exit and drive down several side streets, most are very dark because the street lights have been shot out. We park in the parking lot of a big big warehouse that is right on the railroad tracks, because they make something that has to travel by train.

You finally realize that where I’ve taken you is to the very edge of the big train yard in town. As far as I know, we are as close as we can be without getting harassed by the bulls. We talk about how I found this place, how the one time I hopped a train anywhere it was from this very spot. I had plans to go to Memphis, but I got too scared so I just rode the train a mile down the track and then walked back. I was really lucky that it had to slow down, I’m not sure what would have happened if I had made it to Memphis.

We lay the blanket down in the grass that we have brought and make ourselves comfortable, almost as if we are preparing to watch a show, although their will never be anything we are specifically watching. It’s just nice to watch all the people and trains go by, wondering where they are going, wondering where they’ve been.

It’s a really chilly night, but the air is so dry we don’t have to worry about the grass being wet, which is nice. It’s cold and we are both bundled up, but we still find it necessary to hold each other. We both say out loud that we need to do this to stay warm, but we both know that we are hurting and holding each other is the only thing that can make it better. There we are, bundled up, shivering as one, watching our breath, watching the trains, watching each other. We are still talking, but we know that if we stopped talking, the deafening silence wouldn’t be something to fear. You make me feel so comfortable that I don’t mind those silent moments.

You start to hum and I immediately recognize the song you are humming and I start to sing along. It’s a song that we both know very well. But what does this song represent for you? Do you somehow know that this is one of my favorite songs to listen to and sing along with when I’m feeling lost? Is it a coincidence, or do you somehow know this?

After sitting and watching the trains for an hour, we decide to go back to my truck. We start kissing and it’s so fucking nice. Our innocent kissing turns into making out and we both start taking turns devouring each other’s ears and neck, both of our sensitive spots (although, I shiver and scream every time you touch mine, I’ve already assured you that these are good, good things though). Honey, our necks are going to be torn up in the morning, but that’s not a worry of ours right now. We’ll figure that out tomorrow, for now, we are very, very caught up in this moment. As I’m heavily breathing into your ear, I whisper that I want to be your 17th. You yelp “yes” and it seems like we are instantly naked.

This is the first time we’ve seen each other with our shirts off, much less naked. I take a second to look at you and tell you that you’re fucking beautiful before we start making out again. I’m moving down your body, licking and biting every inch of skin I can get my mouth on. When I get to your hip bones, you loose control and start shivering… we obviously have the exact same sensitive spot(s). I make a mental note, I will certainly have to visit those spots again.

I make my way to your dick and oh lord honey, it’s been so, so long since I’ve a dick in my mouth. You moan and I’m so happy because you aren’t one of those queens who refuses to make any noise during sex, lord knows I’m not quiet. I suck your dick for a while and take frequent breaks to jerk you off and stare into your eyes. I love sucking your dick and hearing you enjoy it, but I want to see you. I want to be able to look into your eyes and see you give me that look that I love so, so much. You push me over and now you’re licking and biting my body and you make your way to my dick. I love it, but it feels so impersonal. I want to be able to look into your eyes, it’s all about the eyes.

We switch again and I’m sitting in your lap and we are both jerking off, starting into each others eyes, making out and kissing and sucking on every inch of each others bodies we can get our mouths on. I lift up your arm and bury my nose into your armpit and I nearly loose myself in your smell. You’re ticklish and start to laugh, but I never, ever want to leave. You’ve never been with a self identified armpit queen, it’s clear you are interested and that’s something we’ll have to talk about later. After I pull away I can still smell you on my face and I wish that smell never leaves my face.

We continue to jerk off, make out and eventually we both cum onto your furry tummy and chest. I move down to the floor and make sure to eat every single drop, making sure to spend some time on those sensitive spots of yours. Once I’m done licking you clean we continue to make out, less sexually, more passionately (which is just as good). We lay there together, still naked, for what seems like forever. Even though it’s cold, our bodies are sweating everywhere we touch and we are both dripping with sweat. No one will ever drive by us, so we don’t feel any rush to leave. We stay there a while and it’s been a long, long time since we’ve been able to see any trains outside our foggy windows, but we can still hear them. I’m resting my head on your chest listening to your heat beat and you breathe, while also listening to the rains rolling by outside our window. We don’t talk, but we don’t need to. I want to stay here forever, but we both know we have to leave, sooner than later.

We whisper to each other, but we don’t know why we are whispering. We talk about how much we like each other and how much fun we just had, and while these aren’t secrets, we both feel that if we say them too loud, somehow they will be able to leave the cab of my truck and get lost with all the sounds of the trains. If we whisper, we know the’ll stay with us.

We get dressed again and I drive to my house. You decide to stay over at my place and I couldn’t be happier. We both strip down once agan and crawl into my bed and after a kiss, we are both falling asleep. For a brief moment I realize that I can still smell your armpits on my face and realizing that makes me smile and then I’m dreaming. As we both are waking up, you whisper “Thanks” into my ear and I don’t need anything else. Somehow you managed to say so much with just one word. I don’t respond, but I know you don’t need me to.

You leave my house and we both go about our day. We are both having regular, average days, but we both spend the entire day with a smile. I spend all day thinking about you and last night, I am pretty sure you did the same.

I’m over here!
April 25, 2012, 2:00 pm
Filed under: Southern life, Thinking Thinking, This town | Tags: ,

I gay porn with more than 2 people, the second someone stops getting attention, he will just start slapping his dick on whatever part of someone else’s body he has access to. Always.

Bro, just wait! This seems really childish. You know, “Hay! I’m over here! Pay attention to me!!!”

Life has been treating me well as of lately. Summer is quickly sneaking up on me, which I am fine with. In the past, Summer has brought uncertainty for me. Where will I work, what will I be doing, where will I live, etc. This Summer, I already have all of that figured out and it feels really good. I have a long-term project, so I can work on that. I have a long-term job, so that is that. My living situation is stable and I really like everything about it, including my landlords. I am going to have free time to go visit IDA, which will be really nice. I am not excited about the hundreds of people for IDApoloza, but I am excited to get back up there. Everything about IDA comforts me.

The huge magnolia tree right next to my house is about to start blossoming, one my favorite times of the year.

tattoos on this town
January 24, 2012, 6:57 am
Filed under: Country Music, Southern life, This town | Tags: ,

I have been listening to this song a whole fucking lot lately. The actual music video somewhat unnecessarily features a lot of american flag and military services, so I am just going to post this fake video.

I am in the kind of mood where if I turned the lights off in my room and listened to this song, I bet I would cry myself to sleep. I’m not going to do that, though. I am just going to go to regular sleep.

Maybe whenever anyone asks me why I am staying in town, I could just sing them this part of this song

“It sure left it’s mark on us, we sure left our mark on it
We let the world know we were here, with everything we did
We laid a lot of memories down, like tattoos on this town”