This Southern Faggot's Blog

Make new friends and keep the old (but only if they love and affirm you)

Holy fucking shit.

I made it through 2016 and things are so much brighter on this side. Okay, maybe not brighter, but their is far, far less shit over on this side.

Last time I was here, my friend had just died and I was still struggling with the feelings that I had developed for my (best) friend/fuck buddy for many, many years.

In October, I made the decision to entirely cut ties with that boy, until we saw each other for NYE. I unfriended him everywhere and we didn’t talk, text, or anything. While I knew this was the smartest decision I had made on this topic all year, it was also the hardest.

Seeing him at NYE wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. I thought I was going to cry. I thought that we would both have this incredible hunger to catch up on each other lives. I imagined that we’d walk off into the distance and spend so much time catching up that people would wonder where we had gone. I thought a lot of things, but none of them turned out to actually happen. We hugged and chatted for just a bit and that’s all the catching up we needed. No emotions rushing back, no nothing.

My life moved on and so did his. Holy fuck, I just want to shout that out to the entire world! Our lives moved on! It actually happened! The plan worked! It feels amazing. Sure, I lost my best friend in the process, but I was so in my feelings about him that it was tearing me a part. At the rate we were going, we would both hate each other in a very short amount of time. This is better than that for sure.

I made a good decision and I am really proud of myself.

Loosing him has forced me to reach out and build stronger bonds with the Queer & Trans folk in my life who I had been neglecting. I am so happy that I’ve spent the past few months building (and rebuilding) those relationships.

Maybe we’ll become friends again. Never like we were, but maybe something closer than the distant acquaintances we’ve become.

Time, you do your thing and let’s see what happens. But I’m going to put my time and effort into the folks in my life that love, affirm, understand and care for me.

This is how I’m spending my 2017. How about you?


Dead hands
November 23, 2012, 5:33 pm
Filed under: Things to notice | Tags: ,

I’m sick. I’ve had too much stress on me lately, I knew this was going to happen.

Fever and body aches are no fun. But touching yourself when you are sick always feels so, so amazing. Not jerking off, but just rubbing my stomach, sides and chest is the most amazing feeling. My hands feel so cold on my hot body, it almost stings. If I wouldn’t feel so bad for making someone sick, I would say I want someone to come over and just rub my body. But, I’ll avoid people as much as I can until I’m better.

For now, I’ll just touch myself.

Nose kisses
October 9, 2012, 4:35 am
Filed under: The weather!, Things to notice | Tags:

We all know that I am no romantic. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

But winter, or specifically this winter like weather we get around this time of the year, just makes me want someone to wake up next to, it hurts. Not because I want someone to talk to, necessarily. But my favorite thing in the whole world is getting kisses on the tip of my nose, or forehead, especially when waking up. Of course, this hasn’t happened to me in years, but it’s one of the only physical things I spend a lot of time thinking about.

I’m getting tired

Sometimes that it feels like the process of just surviving is so demanding of my time and energy, that my identity gets lost and I don’t have the drive or energy to try to reclaim it. It’s getting harder and harder every day to correct people when they fuck up gender stuff. Or when people say or do fucked up stuff in general, most times I don’t have the energy to try to have some conversation with some fucked up person about something fucked up they said or did.

But, I mean, I don’t want it to be this way. I just can’t picture how it will ever get better.

Oh a happier note, the boy who drove an hour in the middle of the night to come to me, is now driving 10 hours to come here and I am really excited about his visit. I mean, he isn’t coming specifically for me, but it’s still going to be super nice to have someone else in my bed.

I finished moving into the attic! It’s nice when the heater is on, not so nice when the heater is off. But, I LOVE it a whole lot and I seem to be sleeping better, for some reason.

Okay I do kind of like this one

This video is my favorite that I have seen so far. I love that they talk about desire and not having a lot of money. I love that they talk about making it better, not by finding some sort of big community, or whatever, but instead acknowledging that for some people, it gets better out in the country. Where you have lots of room to explore and think and be alone with the world.

But wait a minute, I guess that goes back to the biggest question of my fucking life, it seems. Can your “community” just be yourself? And maybe an animal friend or two.

town talk
July 11, 2010, 11:01 pm
Filed under: Questions, Things to notice | Tags:

I just want to lay down and cry somewhere. For a really long time. I don’t want to have to be worried about being bothered, or having to talk to anyone.

I don’t know if this is because this town has finally taken its toll on me and I just can’t make it here any longer. Or maybe I am just having an especially bad, disappointed-in-everyone-and-everything-around-me day.

I really enjoy this post that Mattilda made and feel myself thinking a lot of the same things. Especially “Sometimes I have absolutely no idea what makes me feel better or worse. Absolutely no idea.”

I understand the things that make me happy, in this town. Sometimes I wonder if I find this town bearable, because I know what things don’t make me happy, so I can just avoid them. But I find myself trying to think about the things that do make me happy here and they are very few and far between. Or, they are things that I could have anywhere. Things like gardening, ducks at the park, rope swings, reading at coffee shops all make me really happy, so that is ALL I spend my time doing.

But I am finding it more and more difficult to find true happiness in these things. I mean, plants and ducks are wonderful, but I am beginning to see that I need more in my life. Not much more, I don’t think, but at least a couple people and a few places that I would consider ‘safe’. These things are disappearing quickly… or I am just realizing they were not safe in the first place.

I have been thinking a lot of New Orleans. I feel like that town has a lot to offer me.

Something different, but what?
January 5, 2010, 7:30 am
Filed under: Things to notice, What is this shit? | Tags: , , ,

How is it that I am able to so easily navigate spaces where almost none of my needs are met? Unquestioned misogyny is dripping from the walls and consent isn’t anything that anyone would even think of talking about, much less attempt to put into action. I want this to be my space. Part of me wants this space to be accessible for myself, part of me wants to leave it behind. I refuse to believe that it isn’t fixable, but who am I to say that it needs to be fixed?

I wonder how many other people at these shows feel so constantly fucked over, uncomfortable and alienated. If anyone, they aren’t making it known. But, then again, maybe I’m not making it terribly obvious. Where would you even start?

Every single person from this house has had the same conversation with me, on different occasions. They all want to be doing something. No one knows what, but they have all said that they want it to be doing something with the house, not just have shows there. They all think that I can somehow make something happen. I guess maybe the first step, even though it seems really empty and hopeless, is having the idea that you want something different. But, then what?

And do I have the energy to have the beginnings of these conversations with them?