This Southern Faggot's Blog


Looking forward
February 22, 2017, 2:35 am
Filed under: Thinking Thinking

I don’t spend time looking forward. I don’t know how to. I always feel like I’m just coasting towards something, but don’t know what that something is, until I bump into it.

I’d like to have a plan. When things get real shitty, it’s easy to make plans that are reactive… but of course those ever go through. What does it look like to make a plan for your life, when things are stable?



Make new friends and keep the old (but only if they love and affirm you)

Holy fucking shit.

I made it through 2016 and things are so much brighter on this side. Okay, maybe not brighter, but their is far, far less shit over on this side.

Last time I was here, my friend had just died and I was still struggling with the feelings that I had developed for my (best) friend/fuck buddy for many, many years.

In October, I made the decision to entirely cut ties with that boy, until we saw each other for NYE. I unfriended him everywhere and we didn’t talk, text, or anything. While I knew this was the smartest decision I had made on this topic all year, it was also the hardest.

Seeing him at NYE wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. I thought I was going to cry. I thought that we would both have this incredible hunger to catch up on each other lives. I imagined that we’d walk off into the distance and spend so much time catching up that people would wonder where we had gone. I thought a lot of things, but none of them turned out to actually happen. We hugged and chatted for just a bit and that’s all the catching up we needed. No emotions rushing back, no nothing.

My life moved on and so did his. Holy fuck, I just want to shout that out to the entire world! Our lives moved on! It actually happened! The plan worked! It feels amazing. Sure, I lost my best friend in the process, but I was so in my feelings about him that it was tearing me a part. At the rate we were going, we would both hate each other in a very short amount of time. This is better than that for sure.

I made a good decision and I am really proud of myself.

Loosing him has forced me to reach out and build stronger bonds with the Queer & Trans folk in my life who I had been neglecting. I am so happy that I’ve spent the past few months building (and rebuilding) those relationships.

Maybe we’ll become friends again. Never like we were, but maybe something closer than the distant acquaintances we’ve become.

Time, you do your thing and let’s see what happens. But I’m going to put my time and effort into the folks in my life that love, affirm, understand and care for me.

This is how I’m spending my 2017. How about you?



Everyone is dieing
September 26, 2016, 10:42 pm
Filed under: People to remember, Southern life, Thinking Thinking | Tags: , ,

We grew up together. We discovered our Queerness together. She introduced me to the intersectional politics that has shaped who I am, to this very day. She gave me my first radical Queer book that changed everything for me. She gave me my first Mattilda book. We danced together. We laughed. We cried. We lived together for a while (not a good idea). We learned from each other. I learned so much from her.

She died not knowing how important she was to me. She died without me ever properly explaining to me how important she was to me being the person I am today.

She is fucking dead. She will be dead, forever.

For however long I am alive, I’ll always know one thing. I will never see her again.

I can never call her for advice. I can never hear her laugh. I can never process fucked up situations with her again.

My entire life, I was told that people die of a) age or b) a very serious sickness.

People don’t tell you as a kid just how fragile life is. People don’t tell you that when you grow up, your Queer & Trans friends will be living in a world so horrible, they are forced to end it, because they just can’t take it anymore. They don’t tell you that as a kid. They fucking lie.

I have no idea how to talk about suicide. My immediate response was shock. I thought no, not her. Never her, this must be a mistake.

I’m worried that was my initial response, because I thought she was ‘stronger than that’. But I have to check that shit. Suicide isn’t weakness. I have to remember this.

I already miss her so much. I can’t stop thinking of her in that last moment. I just hope that she found the peace that she wanted. The peace she needed. If I can just believe she got that, then I’ll be a bit better.

It feels like Queer & Trans folks are dropping all around me. What do I do if I wake up and realize that everyone I’ve ever loved is dead? What will I do?



Another post about self care
June 12, 2016, 3:02 pm
Filed under: Thinking Thinking, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

It’s so easy to talk about self care. I talk about it and it’s important, all the time.

But practicing self care in a world where you are regularly reminded that you’re wanted dead, is hard.

I sometimes hear from (usually white) LGBT people (I don’t agree with) that they are “more than their LGBT identity.” Somedays, it seems like that must be nice. I can’t leave my identity behind, anywhere, because it is the most important thing in my life. How could I ever leave it behind?

But this identity also makes it hard to have a positive view on the world, because I’m constantly reminded that, someday, this identity will kill me.

News just broke of the shooting in Orlando. It’s these sorts of days that I think about how nice it must be to leave your LGBT identity somewhere and walk away from it. I don’t want to make it sound like I think that my identity is a burden, but, especially on these days, it makes everything feel especially heavy.

I can’t imagine how nice it must feel to be able to leave that heaviness behind.

But, I can’t. And I know that I really don’t want to. That heaviness is what gives me the energy to move forward.

Somedays it’s just too much. Somedays I wish I could just view the regular murdering of LGBT people as an outsider. I can’t and I’ll never be able to. But it sure sounds nice.



Death and love and stuff
May 7, 2016, 7:14 pm
Filed under: Faggot Rant, People to remember, Thinking Thinking, Uncategorized

The past few weeks have been really rough for me and I’ve been having a very hard time. I’m not suicidal, but my mental health has been worse than it’s been in a long, long time and I have to figure out what I can do to work on this.

The world is a horrible, horrible place and normally I can know that, without focusing on it, but lately I’ve been focusing on it an unhealthy amount. I’ve been thinking about Reecey, a Transwoman recently murdered in Kansas. I’ve been thinking about all the Transwomen that I know have been murdered. I’ve been thinking more about all of the Transwomen who have been murdered without anyone knowing.

 

 

I don’t want to live in a world where Transwomen are brutally murdered each day.

I don’t want to live in a world where I am regularly forced to think about my own death.

I don’t want to live in a world where I believe I will be murdered one day, simply for being a GNC person.

I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t use the bathroom without worrying about my own safety. I don’t want to have to constantly think “Do I have the energy to use a public restroom? Am I emotionally ready to have to defend my existence?”

I don’t want to live in this world, but I do… and I am not suicidal, so I’ll be around for a while.

I’m not sure where I go from here. I feel a little helpless, honestly.

I don’t think anyone reads this anymore, but for those who do, you know that I’ve never really wanted to be in a relationship. I’ve always done things on my own and for my entire life, I’ve thought that translated to my relationship status, as well.

The past several weeks have made me realize, I don’t think this is healthy for me.

I need someone around that I can pour all of these feelings into.

I need someone I can share every aspect of my life and all of my thoughts with.

I need someone who can help me process all of these things.

I need someone I can go out with and we can just look at each other and both know what is going on in each of our minds.

I need someone who challenges the way I view the world, but someone who won’t judge me for my (some would say overly) critical view of the world.

The scariest part of this, for me, is the beginning of each of these sentences. I need someone.

I’ve never thought this in my life. I’ve always viewed myself as a solitary creature. I’ve always taken a bit of pride in that, but I’m realizing, that just isn’t true. I *do* need people. That makes me feel weak… but I know it shouldn’t.

These past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about a relationship that I could have had, but never allowed to happen. The past few weeks I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve been feeling so, so angry at myself for being so fucking stupid and not allowing this really amazing thing to happen.

To give myself credit, I didn’t think I was ready. In reality, I know I wasn’t ready.

But I am now. I think. I think I am ready, but I wanted too long and now that isn’t a possibility.

Joke’s on me, I guess.

I want to be patient. I want to say that I can wait. But it’s hard to wait for something that you feel like you need *right now*. But, I have to wait. So, I will.

I’ll just keeping listening to 1989 and thinking that every single song is relevant to my life and situation right now.



Time flies

This thing is 7 years old now.

I’m laying in bed reading a few old posts and I can’t even imagine where I was 7 years ago (physically, mentally) and it’s really comforting to know that at any point I can look back here and figure that out.

A lot of things have changed in the past 7 years.

I made a new friend and because of that person, my friend group grew exponentially. I still have all those new friends in my life and I’m really grateful for that. Some aren’t as present as I would like and I’d like to change that. But, I genuinely love those people and they constantly remind me how lucky I am.

One of my good friends died way, way too young and I was able to take all of that hurt and anger and turn it into a project that has already become much larger than I could have ever imagined. This project is now *my job* and I am able to focus all of my energy there. I sometimes worry that because it is now my job, I’ll begin to view it as ‘just a job’, but that has not happened yet. I work everyday to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I discovered the magical world of middle TN, specifically IDA. I don’t really have much more to say about that, but IDA will always hold a special place in my heart.

I bought a house. I figured, if I plan on staying here forever, might as well plant some (literal and figurative) roots, right?

I, for the first time in my life, began trying to dissect my feelings. We’ll just say that’s a work in progress.

I began processing my ideas of my own gender identity and came to a place that I feel really good about. On a related note, I changed my name.

I’ve had sex with a small handful of people. I ended up coming to the conclusion that I’m not interested in hookups with people I don’t really know that well. Not for some slut-shaming reason, but because having sex with people just takes so much energy. I want to make sure I’m investing that energy wisely. On a related note, I’ve only had sex with one person (multiple times, but one person) in the past 3 or so years. I think I’m okay with that.

Two dogs entered my life and they have become my very best friends.

I’m sure other noteworthy things happened, but these are the things that come to mind first. Here’s to another 7 years, hopefully.



Another post about fucking walls
April 17, 2016, 6:20 pm
Filed under: Mother, Thinking Thinking | Tags:

I’ve made no progress in figuring out how to let down my walls, so that I can let people in.

Truth be told, I haven’t really worked on it that much.

I was talking with a now long-distance good friend about this and I thought of something that had never come to mind before. Maybe the metaphor breaks down at this point, but would it be possible that someone could just go over the walls? In my mind that’s a somewhat shitty and passive (on my end) thing to want, but maybe that’s just where I am.

How could I ask that of someone? In my mind the conversation would look something like this “Hey, sometimes I’ll feel distant, but I really just need you to help me push through that and force me to explain to you what I am feeling right now.”

Who the fuck would sign up for that?