This Southern Faggot's Blog


Another post about self care
June 12, 2016, 3:02 pm
Filed under: Thinking Thinking, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

It’s so easy to talk about self care. I talk about it and it’s important, all the time.

But practicing self care in a world where you are regularly reminded that you’re wanted dead, is hard.

I sometimes hear from (usually white) LGBT people (I don’t agree with) that they are “more than their LGBT identity.” Somedays, it seems like that must be nice. I can’t leave my identity behind, anywhere, because it is the most important thing in my life. How could I ever leave it behind?

But this identity also makes it hard to have a positive view on the world, because I’m constantly reminded that, someday, this identity will kill me.

News just broke of the shooting in Orlando. It’s these sorts of days that I think about how nice it must be to leave your LGBT identity somewhere and walk away from it. I don’t want to make it sound like I think that my identity is a burden, but, especially on these days, it makes everything feel especially heavy.

I can’t imagine how nice it must feel to be able to leave that heaviness behind.

But, I can’t. And I know that I really don’t want to. That heaviness is what gives me the energy to move forward.

Somedays it’s just too much. Somedays I wish I could just view the regular murdering of LGBT people as an outsider. I can’t and I’ll never be able to. But it sure sounds nice.

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Death and love and stuff
May 7, 2016, 7:14 pm
Filed under: Faggot Rant, People to remember, Thinking Thinking, Uncategorized

The past few weeks have been really rough for me and I’ve been having a very hard time. I’m not suicidal, but my mental health has been worse than it’s been in a long, long time and I have to figure out what I can do to work on this.

The world is a horrible, horrible place and normally I can know that, without focusing on it, but lately I’ve been focusing on it an unhealthy amount. I’ve been thinking about Reecey, a Transwoman recently murdered in Kansas. I’ve been thinking about all the Transwomen that I know have been murdered. I’ve been thinking more about all of the Transwomen who have been murdered without anyone knowing.

 

 

I don’t want to live in a world where Transwomen are brutally murdered each day.

I don’t want to live in a world where I am regularly forced to think about my own death.

I don’t want to live in a world where I believe I will be murdered one day, simply for being a GNC person.

I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t use the bathroom without worrying about my own safety. I don’t want to have to constantly think “Do I have the energy to use a public restroom? Am I emotionally ready to have to defend my existence?”

I don’t want to live in this world, but I do… and I am not suicidal, so I’ll be around for a while.

I’m not sure where I go from here. I feel a little helpless, honestly.

I don’t think anyone reads this anymore, but for those who do, you know that I’ve never really wanted to be in a relationship. I’ve always done things on my own and for my entire life, I’ve thought that translated to my relationship status, as well.

The past several weeks have made me realize, I don’t think this is healthy for me.

I need someone around that I can pour all of these feelings into.

I need someone I can share every aspect of my life and all of my thoughts with.

I need someone who can help me process all of these things.

I need someone I can go out with and we can just look at each other and both know what is going on in each of our minds.

I need someone who challenges the way I view the world, but someone who won’t judge me for my (some would say overly) critical view of the world.

The scariest part of this, for me, is the beginning of each of these sentences. I need someone.

I’ve never thought this in my life. I’ve always viewed myself as a solitary creature. I’ve always taken a bit of pride in that, but I’m realizing, that just isn’t true. I *do* need people. That makes me feel weak… but I know it shouldn’t.

These past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about a relationship that I could have had, but never allowed to happen. The past few weeks I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve been feeling so, so angry at myself for being so fucking stupid and not allowing this really amazing thing to happen.

To give myself credit, I didn’t think I was ready. In reality, I know I wasn’t ready.

But I am now. I think. I think I am ready, but I wanted too long and now that isn’t a possibility.

Joke’s on me, I guess.

I want to be patient. I want to say that I can wait. But it’s hard to wait for something that you feel like you need *right now*. But, I have to wait. So, I will.

I’ll just keeping listening to 1989 and thinking that every single song is relevant to my life and situation right now.



Where would we be now?
April 20, 2016, 9:32 pm
Filed under: my head hurts., People to remember, Uncategorized

I’ve been thinking a lot about L today.

When she died, we were both just kids. We were both 20 and still had so much growing up to do.

I’m spending time thinking about that and thinking about how mad I am that she wasn’t allowed to ever grow up. I simply can not fathom what an adult L would be like. She was such an amazing ball of energy, I want to know how she would have harnessed that energy.

I’ll never know. No one will ever now and that is fucking infuriating.



4 walls make a room
January 8, 2015, 9:11 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I fell asleep last night thinking about walls. Specifically, what happened in my history that lead to me building these walls and refusing to tear them down for anyone.

I’m thinking back to my mother and my complicated relationship with her growing up.

Growing up, I loved my mother, on the verge of becoming obsessed with her. Looking back I defiantly had some mama issues and thought she was this perfect human being (I used to tell people my mother was “sexy”, which is awkward). It wasn’t until I was 16 that I discovered her addiction to alcohol, but once I discovered it, I couldn’t believe that my parents had been able to hide it from me for so long. I learned later in life that my dad REALLY wanted me to have a special relationship with my mother, so he sacrificed his relationship with me so that he could build her up to being something she wasn’t. I later learned in life that when she was passed out, he would cook dinner but give my mother credit, or say that my mother had done something for me, but really he had done it.

I grew up feeling NO connection to my father, because I thought he wasn’t involved in my life at all. This is the most upsetting thing about my childhood, when I think back on it. I love, love, love my father today and think he is one of the most amazing human beings, but it took a really long time to come to that conclusion. I wish that I had been allowed to see that earlier.

Anyway, I believe it was at the point when I discovered my mothers addiction to alcohol that I began to build my walls. Before then, I believed she had been so, so important to my life and I felt like I had been betrayed.

I’m wondering if it was around this time that I subconsciously started building these walls, to ensure that no one was able to easily come in and hurt me, like my mother did. If this is indeed the case, I’m wondering what I can do to help make my situation with others better.

What sort of work can I do internally to recognize that while those walls were valid, they are now doing more damage than good. What work can I do to recognize that I am not longer a child and have the ability to see people as they really are, I don’t need these walls by default.

I guess it’s things, just like this, why people go to therapists. Hopefully I can figure it out on my own, because I fucking have to learn how to let people into my life. I just have to.



I’ll be there for you (when the rain starts to pour)
January 8, 2015, 3:04 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m in a weird place. I’m so happy that I came back to TSF and reread the posts I made about you. I had forgotten so many of the little details of our interactions, but I documented a lot of those here. I love that. I love that TSF finally became something that I could use to look back and remember the good times. The better times.

I wrote that boy a letter. It’s been two years since I last wrote him a letter, but this one is very different than the first one I wrote.

I had to write a letter filled with apology.

Wait, you might be wondering why we couldn’t just talk in person?  Well, I guess what it boils down to, is that I’m really weak when it comes to certain things.

Anyway, you’ve taught me so much about myself, but I’m so, so incredibly sorry that I had to use you to figure out these things about myself.

You’re an amazing person, but what I was able to realize through being with you, is that I have a lot of walls. Walls are really important (I think) and they serve a really important purpose, but what good is a wall if you can’t open it up every once in a while to let people in? Or, more importantly, what good is it if you can’t ever let those walls down to let yourself out?

Maybe someday I’ll learn to let down those walls. But if I couldn’t let them down with you, someone who was incredibly sweet and supportive of me, then who the fuck would I be able to let them down for?

When I’m feeling strong, it’s easy to say I’ll be alone forever and feel okay about it. When I’m strong, I can remind myself that I have a great friend base and I’m working on a project that feels really meaningful.

But when I’m not feeling that strong, I just think about what my future looks like not being able to *be* with someone. It sometimes scares me. What if in the future I really feel like I *need* someone in my life, but can’t let them in? What the fuck do I do then?

I need to figure this out, but I don’t know where to start. For the first time, in a long time, I can identify something about myself that I feel like I want to change, but I don’t know how to change it.



Anger
August 13, 2014, 3:59 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Oh hello. It’s been a while. 

I’ve been really, really angry lately. Like, angry at everything I see. I continually feel pressured to not talk about this anger, not talk to people around me about what I see and why it angers me. 

I wish I/we lived in a world where we were encouraged to be actually angry about things, instead of constantly being encouraged to “see the positivity in everything.”

Let’s encourage people to be angry, because that’s the kind of energy that actually gets things done. Let’s be angry that people of color are being continually executed by police in the streets. Let’s be angry that Queer & Trans kids are getting kicked out of their homes, being forced to do whatever they can do to survive. Let’s be angry that the mainstream gay culture is encouraging kids to come out and yet when they do, suddenly they realize that no support exists for them and they are on the streets with no where to go. Let’s be angry that depression is such a taboo subject, leading to no one being able to talk about it. Let’s be angry that mental health assistance in this country is a fucking joke. 

It’s okay to be angry. We have a lot to be angry about and if you aren’t, then you need to check that privilege and ask yourself why. Why are you able to completely ignore all the horrible things that happen in the world? Is that because you have *magic powers* and are able to process all of this in a way that no one else can, or is that you simply are not paying attention? 



A post
February 24, 2014, 9:32 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m just going to leave this vague post here for now, maybe I’ll come back later to work on it:

I feel like it’s telling that, because of you, I cried for the first time in years (literal years). It’s telling because you’re the same person I cried about, while updating livejournal, many years ago. 

When we started hanging out again, after many years of not talking, I thought about this exact moment. I wondered if I was really ready to be your friend again, after you hurt me several years ago. I made the decision that I was ready, but was I wrong? 

I asked and then made it very clear to you that I was planning on staying at your house tonight, yet you found a boy at the bar to seduce and you left me to drive to his house, across town. I made it home safe and I really want to send you a text telling you that, but I know that would be passive aggressive bull shit. I’m better than that. I think so, at least. 

I understand that we aren’t a “thing” and I understand that we probably won’t ever be a “thing” and I think that’s what I want. But, when you drink, you become an asshole who can only think of himself and his needs. How long do I stick around for this shit? Intellectually, I know that it would probably be best for be to cut ties with this person, I know these sorts of things will continue to happen. But I simply can’t.

I think that, most of all, I hate that I’m feeling like my heart (which, intellectually, I understand isn’t capable of any sort of thought or feelings) is winning out over my mind. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be the person who is always able to make decisions that are 100% in the moment and always considering the whole picture. That isn’t me right now. Shit.