This Southern Faggot's Blog


Another post about self care
June 12, 2016, 3:02 pm
Filed under: Thinking Thinking, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

It’s so easy to talk about self care. I talk about it and it’s important, all the time.

But practicing self care in a world where you are regularly reminded that you’re wanted dead, is hard.

I sometimes hear from (usually white) LGBT people (I don’t agree with) that they are “more than their LGBT identity.” Somedays, it seems like that must be nice. I can’t leave my identity behind, anywhere, because it is the most important thing in my life. How could I ever leave it behind?

But this identity also makes it hard to have a positive view on the world, because I’m constantly reminded that, someday, this identity will kill me.

News just broke of the shooting in Orlando. It’s these sorts of days that I think about how nice it must be to leave your LGBT identity somewhere and walk away from it. I don’t want to make it sound like I think that my identity is a burden, but, especially on these days, it makes everything feel especially heavy.

I can’t imagine how nice it must feel to be able to leave that heaviness behind.

But, I can’t. And I know that I really don’t want to. That heaviness is what gives me the energy to move forward.

Somedays it’s just too much. Somedays I wish I could just view the regular murdering of LGBT people as an outsider. I can’t and I’ll never be able to. But it sure sounds nice.

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Elementary school handjobs
September 29, 2013, 6:42 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

I’ve talked about this before on here, but I’ve been a nelly faggot my entire life. Everyone around me has always known. Looking at pictures of me as a kid, hands on my hips, sassy face, limp wristed, I just can’t help but to laugh. My parents weren’t ready for the kid the raised, but somehow it happened anyway. 

I should also say that I wouldn’t change that for the world. Being a nelly faggot is who I am today and has always been a big part of my life, I wouldn’t change a day.

But, in being a big ole nelly fairy faggot queen, people make a lot of assumptions about me. Some of them are true, some maybe not. But the one that interests me the most, is that people assume I’ve had a lot (whole, whole) of sex in my life and I started having sex at a very young age. This isn’t true, but I certainly wish it was! I didn’t have any sexual encounter with anyone until I was 20 (this includes making out), which I almost feel ashamed to admit, which is so odd. I feel like when I tell people that, I somehow am less of a nelly faggot in their eyes. I mean, what kind of gay kid wasn’t sucking the dick of every kid in the boy scout troop, or giving blowies in the elementary/middle school bathrooms? I often spend time wondering how being a non-sexual being until I was 20 shaped who I was in high school, or what I became now. 

Growing up, having a big friend base was always difficult, because associating with me automatically turned you into “the kid who was friends with the faggot”. I don’t wish this, but I do wonder what it would have been like to have been “one of the guys”. What would it have been like to have sleep overs and touch my friends dick, or give him a hand/blow job or even just cuddle? If I hadn’t been the one visible gay kid growing up, would I have been able to have sex earlier? If I had been having sex earlier, would I be a different person today? If so, how would I be different? I wouldn’t consider myself sexually repressed at all… but I don’t ever picture myself ever ‘settling down’ with one (or a couple group) person (or people), or even being able to say ‘I love you’ to a partner(s) and maybe that would be different if I had been intimate with people earlier in life.

I spent most of my life waiting for everyone around me to come to terms with who they were, so that they could be seen associating with me… how did that impact my life? On the surface, I know it made me very lonely… how what else would be different about me today? 



Are you a whore? Take this test to find out

People have the strangest reasons to hate sex workers/whores.

I got a message on Gay.com (which is the worst website for cruising, hook-ups or anything, really) and some dude said that he heard in the Gay.com chat room, for my state, that I was really ‘into marriage equality’. I gave a little response, but wasn’t into it that much, but it got me interested in these chat rooms, so I decided to be 14 again and go for it (Mostly because I was interested to see if somehow, my name would come up again, as it apparently did the first time). It was pretty uneventful, until I asked some dude about his username, which was “WhoresScareMe”. It started off as a general conversation (“Do you actually know anyone who identifies as a whore” (no, he didn’t, of course), etc) and eventually he started listing off all the reasons he hated sex workers. I thought I knew everything he would say, but he had some really strange reasons for hating them, one of them being something bizarre like turning tricks wasn’t a real job, because it was “easy” and “involves no physical labor”, however 9-5 desk jobs ARE real jobs, for some reason. He couldn’t really explain any of his reasoning behind this, but I am wondering if this is something that other people think.

The more I was talking to this dude, the more I was thinking about how completely un-thought out most whorephobia is. I’m not saying that I don’t get it, in the way that people say that and they actually get it (like when fags say “I just don’t understand how people can use the bible to call me a sinner!” Darling, that’s easy, you get it, don’t say you do not). I really just don’t understand how someone could think this.

  • Whores are infested with disease. Whores (essentially) make their money with their body, it makes sense to me that whore would be more careful about diseases than your general joe-blow. (visible) STD’s generally aren’t something that people look for in a whore, escort, whatever. That would be like a car salesperson trying to sell a car on cinder blocks covered in spray paint.
  • Selling your body is degrading. People are (essentially) willing to PAY for your body, what could be more empowering than that? I know I can’t think of many things.

I am bored with list making now and I have to get to bed, why can’t I think of more to add to my list. Two things isn’t even enough to be a list, I am pretty sure. Oh bother.

I need to figure out a place to add “Anti-Faggot, Faggot” in my long list of describers for myself. Somewhere in my mind, I think it might be possible to completely sum myself up in one, terribly fabulous phrase. I’m not sure if it’s possible, but the thought of something like that excites me terribly.

It has been “Gender Fucke(r)(d) Farrie Faggot” for some time now, but clearly needs a re-vamp. A pal recommended “Transdisaster”, which I like a lot, but does not fit anywhere very well.



Questions

(a note: I wrote this weeks ago, but apparently forgot to mark it as “public”.)

It’s been really long time since I have fallen in love with a book, but Joanna Kadi’s “Thinking class” is really amazing. She is so personal in her writing, so straight forward and fabulous that reading it feels like shes talking to me. Or maybe passionately yelling, either or. I would recommend it.

I have chatted with a few folks who read this already, but I wanted to write about it and see if that would help my thoughts.

Constantly on Craigslist, Manhunt, Adam4Adam and other sites of the sort, I keep encountering phrases like “No Blacks” and  “No Latinos”. To me at first, I found these statements blatantly racist/terrible. But then the more I thought about it, the more I had trouble separating some white faggot saying “No Blacks” and some white faggot saying “No Women”. I would look at a faggot saying “No Women” and say “Oh, well that’s their sexuality, whatever” (Clearly this is different if they are saying shit like “women are icky” or “vaginas are disgusting”, but that’s a different story). But when I think of a faggot saying “No Blacks”, I am not so unquestioning.

Why is it that I view sexuality, as it relates to sex/gender as unquestionable, but when I think of sexuality, as it relates to race, I find my self asking so many questions? How does desire differ in how it relates to race and gender/sex? If desire, sexuality and race all interact in the same ways, that means that I have to view desire as it relates to sexuality and race, in the same light. Would that mean I have to choose between being unquestioning of both, or equally question them both?

I talked to Mattilda about this and she recommended that possibly the difference is that 2 men having sex goes against these norms of ‘1 man and 1 woman have sex’, but a white dude saying ‘no blacks’ is buying into this idea that races shouldn’t mix (That is clearly me butchering what she said, sorry about that). I like this and helps me somewhat, but that doesn’t feel like the whole reason I see this difference.

Clearly, this is complicated because I have no idea if folks saying “No Blacks” or “No Latinos” are saying that from a position of some sort of experience, or if they are basing that on what they have been taught by society, friends, family and growing up in the south. But then, if the folks saying it from the perspective of having past relationships with folks of color, would I even find that justified? I don’t want to say I wouldn’t, because it isn’t my situation/life, but I also don’t want to completely let it slide just for that reason.

Then this brings up an entirely different set of questions. Why do I feel comfortable implying that maybe some people are saying “No Blacks” just because they haven’t been with a person of color. BUT, I would feel uncomfortable implying that maybe a gay dude is just saying “No Women” because he hasn’t been with a woman.

I am very interested to read what people think about this.



Friend of a Tranny

I have this friend. We will call him Banana. Banana and I are not friends IRL (In Real Life), however about once a month we will spend the night over at someones house and cuddle. No sex, only cuddling, which is sometimes pretty nice. I just left his house and tonight I saw a really, really shitty side of him that I had never seen before. I don’t need to describe it in too much detail, it was mostly the same awful, Transphobic faggot asshole shit that we all hear everyday.

But this time, it was slightly different. Normally, people will beat around the bush, when implying that I am a certain gender because of my genitals. But as I am cuddling Banana in his fucking bed, being all sweet and shit, he flat out insists that my gender is invalid, because of my genitals. He then insisted that because I didn’t wear wigs, big shoes or dresses all the time, that I couldn’t be a ‘tranny’.

Let me take this time to talk about how much I can’t stand faggots using the term Tranny. I hear so much venom and confusion every time they drop the T-bomb, but every time I tell someone this, I am instructed that because they are ho-mo-sex-u-al, they are automatically the Trannies friend.

If I hate Banana so much and find my self so disgusted with him, as I do, why can I see myself going back, in a month, for another cuddle date? For some reason this is stressing me out a whole lot. Somewhere, did I think it was okay to let my defenses down, just because cuddling was happening? Do I really need cuddles that bad?

I hope not.



Too much pasta

It was storming really hard here last night so I woke up on 2 and ended up talking to some drunk boy in Ohio OkCupid.com for 30 minutes or so. It was a lot of fun. He thought I was a bio-girl, so he talked to me about penises and how they work and it was cute. He didn’t have any naked pictures to send, though, so I got over him pretty quickly.

I don’t know what is with my obsession of GuysWithIphones.com, but I can’t stop looking at it. Maybe it is the absurdity of a website, dedicated to guys with a specific phone. Yesterday was a really shitty day, but Mattildas “Pulling Taffy” and this picture got me through the day. Thanks, y’all.

This person appears to be shotguning a beer, while in his bathroom, while taking a picture with his iphone. I find that pretty impressive. He also might just be holding a can of pepsi up to his mouth, which would not be as impressive.

and this is completely, utterly terrifying. I can only imagine a penis that big getting in the way.



Stonewall genitals.
July 11, 2009, 1:41 am
Filed under: Faggot Rant, People to remember | Tags: , , , ,

I, really, couldn’t be more tired of hearing the terms “male bodied” and “female bodied” from well meaning people. A) My genitals are none of my god damned business, unless you plan on having them in your mouth ASAP, B) I really don’t understand how any ‘well meaning’ person could think that a penis makes you ‘male bodied’ or a vagina makes you ‘female bodied’.

Please stop policing my genitals. Thanks.

(post thoughts: The more I thought about this, the more I realized that no matter what, someone elses genitals are none of your fucking business. I think its completely valid to be surprised the first time you encounter someones genitals for the first (or second, third, or fourth) time.)

Genitals are a really interesting thing, which I have been thinking about a lot. When I talk to people about genitals and how offensive it is when people refer to people by their genitals, they usually come back with that sounds a lot like “but I need to know what they have, to know if I am attracted to them”. Part of me wants to think that is complete bullshit, sexuality is clearly more complicated than just genitals, but also, sexuality is really confusing, so who am I to say that. I don’t date people, or really even have sex with many people, but when I am interested in someone, I don’t think about genitals at all. That seems so simple to me. To me it seems like you can make anything physically work for you. But, you can’t really make a shitty personality work for you, so you should be more worried about that and less worried about their sun-don’t-shine parts.

I dedicated most of today reading anything that I could, by Yasmin Nair. Yasmin is such a god damned beautiful writer. Fuck! Her piece “Why India’s S.377 ruling is not Stonewall” is especially beautiful. I would love to see more people writing about this thing we are seeing LGBT folk call everything ‘the new Stonewall’. I would love to see someone who was a good writer talk about it, but seriousally, if you want a ‘new/another stonewall’, make it fucking happen. Start a fucking riot.

Today I was sitting in on a Queer youth groups discussion on relationships and it just made me really sad. I was hearing your typical mainstream gay shit and it was so disappointing. One person talked about how sex was not valid unless you knew the persons middle name, which got me to thinking and I don’t think I know the middle name of anyone I have had sex with. I hardly know most of their first names.

I am so sad that the grasstop orgs have done such a good job of de-queering sex for so many young people. Sex should be fun, adventurous and (safe sex) with folks you don’t know can be so healthy (I think)!

Another said you shouldn’t date if you don’t know their last name. One person started talking about how wrong they felt it was that people in the “lgbt” community dated folks so much older than themselves. To top it all off, I had to listen to someone talk about how the “correct plumbing” was important to them in a relationship.

Correct plumbing. Yes.

This meeting was so frustrating and mostly made me want to cry. Basically these folks only view the most boring, heteronormative relationships possible as valid.