This Southern Faggot's Blog


Make new friends and keep the old (but only if they love and affirm you)

Holy fucking shit.

I made it through 2016 and things are so much brighter on this side. Okay, maybe not brighter, but their is far, far less shit over on this side.

Last time I was here, my friend had just died and I was still struggling with the feelings that I had developed for my (best) friend/fuck buddy for many, many years.

In October, I made the decision to entirely cut ties with that boy, until we saw each other for NYE. I unfriended him everywhere and we didn’t talk, text, or anything. While I knew this was the smartest decision I had made on this topic all year, it was also the hardest.

Seeing him at NYE wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. I thought I was going to cry. I thought that we would both have this incredible hunger to catch up on each other lives. I imagined that we’d walk off into the distance and spend so much time catching up that people would wonder where we had gone. I thought a lot of things, but none of them turned out to actually happen. We hugged and chatted for just a bit and that’s all the catching up we needed. No emotions rushing back, no nothing.

My life moved on and so did his. Holy fuck, I just want to shout that out to the entire world! Our lives moved on! It actually happened! The plan worked! It feels amazing. Sure, I lost my best friend in the process, but I was so in my feelings about him that it was tearing me a part. At the rate we were going, we would both hate each other in a very short amount of time. This is better than that for sure.

I made a good decision and I am really proud of myself.

Loosing him has forced me to reach out and build stronger bonds with the Queer & Trans folk in my life who I had been neglecting. I am so happy that I’ve spent the past few months building (and rebuilding) those relationships.

Maybe we’ll become friends again. Never like we were, but maybe something closer than the distant acquaintances we’ve become.

Time, you do your thing and let’s see what happens. But I’m going to put my time and effort into the folks in my life that love, affirm, understand and care for me.

This is how I’m spending my 2017. How about you?

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I’m a trampoline (I believe)
May 3, 2013, 3:48 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

I find myself in this weird mood, where I feel more satisfied with short, seemingly meaningless interactions with strangers. Think, people that work at the Waffle House or the garden center. I find something about these interactions really comforting. I think that knowing that I won’t be trapped for any amount of time makes me more willing to begin those sorts of interactions. Does that make sense?

 

In working on this project that I’ve been working on a few years now, it’s been really draining to continually hear stories from these Queer & Trans kids who continually have the most fucked up things happen to them. It’s one thing to hear about it on the news, but to hear it from them, face to face, is something else. Then taking these conversations and continually re-living them as I talk to community members, funders, etc. is also incredibly draining. I mean, I’m not trying to compare what I feel to what they are feelings, it’s not even in the same universe, of course. On top of this, having to develop programming, budgets and all this other shit that I would rather not do, but someone has to. But, all of this is just so draining that when I’m not doing work with this project, I just want to take a break and think about nothing. Or, nothing of any… substance, at least. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the answer to why I enjoy these interactions more. When entering these situations, I know that I’m probably not going to be challenged, or need to have any sort of challenging dialogue. It’s usually talking about nail polish, or the weather, or something someone said we both heard. You know, things along those lines. I love things along these lines, they are such simple conversations, but it’s such a nice break. 



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December 18, 2011, 5:04 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important | Tags: ,

Do you ever have nights where you want to be around people you don’t necessarily like, because life is so much easier? You know, not giving a shit about what you say because you know you don’t care at all. Or you know you won’t really be seeing these people again anyway.

I am having a night like that. I am about to go be with this group of punk kids I used to hang out with a lot. It might be awful, but I really just want to be around people I don’t necessarily like right now.