This Southern Faggot's Blog

Make new friends and keep the old (but only if they love and affirm you)

Holy fucking shit.

I made it through 2016 and things are so much brighter on this side. Okay, maybe not brighter, but their is far, far less shit over on this side.

Last time I was here, my friend had just died and I was still struggling with the feelings that I had developed for my (best) friend/fuck buddy for many, many years.

In October, I made the decision to entirely cut ties with that boy, until we saw each other for NYE. I unfriended him everywhere and we didn’t talk, text, or anything. While I knew this was the smartest decision I had made on this topic all year, it was also the hardest.

Seeing him at NYE wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. I thought I was going to cry. I thought that we would both have this incredible hunger to catch up on each other lives. I imagined that we’d walk off into the distance and spend so much time catching up that people would wonder where we had gone. I thought a lot of things, but none of them turned out to actually happen. We hugged and chatted for just a bit and that’s all the catching up we needed. No emotions rushing back, no nothing.

My life moved on and so did his. Holy fuck, I just want to shout that out to the entire world! Our lives moved on! It actually happened! The plan worked! It feels amazing. Sure, I lost my best friend in the process, but I was so in my feelings about him that it was tearing me a part. At the rate we were going, we would both hate each other in a very short amount of time. This is better than that for sure.

I made a good decision and I am really proud of myself.

Loosing him has forced me to reach out and build stronger bonds with the Queer & Trans folk in my life who I had been neglecting. I am so happy that I’ve spent the past few months building (and rebuilding) those relationships.

Maybe we’ll become friends again. Never like we were, but maybe something closer than the distant acquaintances we’ve become.

Time, you do your thing and let’s see what happens. But I’m going to put my time and effort into the folks in my life that love, affirm, understand and care for me.

This is how I’m spending my 2017. How about you?


6 months

These past 6 months have been very hard. Looking back, I can say that they have easily been the most difficult time in my life. BUT, I made it and that is what I’m most excited about.

I’m coming out on the other side and I am so, so thrilled that I can now see everything more clearly. It isn’t crystal clear, yet, but I feel like it’s getting there and I am absolutely fucking ecstatic about that.

In April, I discovered that the term “fall in love” is actually very accurate. Overnight, I, for some reason, fell in love with this boy that I had been friends/fuck buddies with for 3 years. I’ve talked about him quite a bit here during this time, you know the one. I woke up one morning (literally) and could not stop thinking about him. I have never felt so helpless. I knew it wasn’t right… that we weren’t right… but none of that could stop these incredibly intense feelings that developed. I now also know what people mean when they talk about the heart, as if it is capable of thought or emotion. I really did feel out of control, as if my heart was overpowering all rational thought.

These feelings happened to develop when I felt like my friend group(s) were becoming weaker (I’m certain all of this is connected) and I didn’t feel like I had a lot of people around me I could talk to about these new feelings. Normally this boy was there to hold space for me, but that just didn’t work in this situation. I felt lost and very lonely, which only made my desire for him and that closeness greater. I had some pretty dark thoughts during this time and ended up thinking a lot about death (not suicide, but just, death in general).

All of this lasted for several months and only in the past month have I worked through those feelings and discovered that he was right… we don’t need to ever be a thing. I’ve also realized that I am incredibly grateful that a relationship never bubbled up, as I can now see that I would have gotten hurt and that would have left me in a very bad place. Not maliciously hurt, necessarily, but passively hurt, for sure. Does that make sense? I don’t really know what that means, but it feels appropriate.

Can’t say much more about that, because he may still read this (sharing this was not my best idea, but not one I regret). But just know that things are better and I finally feel like I can move on. A few times over the past few months, I’ve told folks that I thought things were getting better with this boy and while that was partially true, I made things sound much better than they actually were. But now, I can honestly say that I am moving on. I now have the clarity to look back and identify some not great behavior that I need to be on the look out for in the future.

I absolutely can’t wait for folks to ‘come around’. Sitting around and waiting for folks to discover what I already know only makes me look like a fool. I’d really like to work on better sticking to this idea of “fuck yes or no“, but I need to talk to my therapist more about that. This has also been a really good reminder of intent vs. impact.

I’m not sure what the future of our friendship looks like, but I will take that one day at a time. I must put myself first. Always. This is the most important thing for me to remember.

I listened to this song A LOT over the past 6 months. Not accurate to how I feel in many ways, but still felt really good to sing this real loud walking around outside. I don’t regret meeting him, I’m actually incredibly happy that he came into my life. He’s helped me learn so, so many important things about myself over these past 4 (at this point) years. Thank you.

Towards the end of this boy shit happening, some very, very fucked up things happened at work. For the first time, I considered leaving this job. For a lot of reasons, that was really scary and I wasn’t sure what would happen to this job if I left, since I made it. I was then having thoughts about what happens to me if I leave this position that is keeping me here in town. For the first time in 12 years, I wondered if maybe this was a sign I needed to leave. Maybe this was a sign that I have taken enough abuse from this town and it was time to just go. Just the idea of leaving this job and town I love so much threw me in to these episodes of debilitating sadness and I really lost it for a few weeks.

Things calmed down at work and I was able to identify the fucked up things happening and let people know what was going on. Things feel better and seem to be getting better, so I now have hope that I’ll stay at this job and this town for the foreseeable future. I’d love to talk about all this more, but I really would honestly like to not think about it anymore.

So here I am now, on the other side of this shit that had me real fucked up and I feel great. I just got back from the longest vacation I’ve ever taken (a week!!!) and I now have so much more clarity on all these bad things happening around me, it’s wonderful. These past 6 months have been very difficult and at times, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it (or that I even wanted to). But all of it was worth it for this very moment, where I can look back, identify abusive things people did to me and work on ensuring that never happens to me again. Or, if they do, that I’m able to identify and call them out earlier.

November 14, 2010, 5:52 am
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important | Tags: , , ,

It is so strange to think about how un-important romantic relationships are, for me, right now. I mean, when I was younger, I used to be sad all the time because I would sit around and think about being lonely and think about how much I felt like I needed someone in my life. But now I don’t think that at all and I am not sure why.

So right now, I am completely un-interested in relationships and sex. I mean, in theory, I would consider myself a fun fuck, or kinky, or whatever. But in practice, I would rather read a book.

I imagine if I moved to a city where their was actually a population of Queers and Trans folk who were politically interesting and not rabid assimilationists, then maybe I would be interested in talking to someone. But down here, I have been fucked over by far, far too many people to ever even attempt that again.

I guess in reality, it would be impossible for me to really know how I feel about relationships. I think that I have mentally put up too many mental walls to protect myself, most that I don’t know about, that I could never know, down here in this climate, what I really think about relationships. Someone else, maybe. Maybe I would attempt such a thing in another town, where I had a little more faith.

Maybe if I found someone who was more interesting than a book, I would be willing to spend the time (and energy. The energy!) perusing some sort of fun fuck session. But I have not, so don’t. Turning pages is just more fun than anyone I know down here. Sorry y’all.

But the weirdest part of all, is that I am not sure if I am a cuddler anymore. Back when I was having sex, I would always choose cuddleing over sex, but I am not sure I would even have fun with cuddling anymore. It. Has. Been. So. Long.

Silence = Death

I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things jumbled up in my thoughts right now and I am having trouble separating them. Hopefully this will help.

I have never been in a relationship. Ever. Except that one time when I was a kid at the pool and all the kids decided that me and someone, who I didn’t know, named Betsy, were dating. Betsy’s mom introduced herself to my dad and I was so confused at what was going on. Our “relationship” didn’t last long. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I ever actually met Betsy. With that being said, I can’t stand people who are so ~*in love*~ with whoever that all they can talk about is ~*them~*, or the next time they will see ~*them*~, or how wonderful ~*they*~ are.  It has gotten to the point where, when I see people who are this ~*in love*~, it somewhat invalidates everything else they might say or do (and I feel awful in saying that, but I don’t know another way to say it).  It feels like to me that they have allowed themselves to be tricked, by this idea of love, which apparently I don’t believe in. Like they have fallen into this trap of sweet monogamy that has been built for us, so that we get each other cute cards, settle down and never fuck anyone else. Unfortunately, nothing I could ever say would convince anyone that I am not saying this out of jealously. I guess I am fine with that, maybe I am just jealous, but deep down it does not feel like jealously, at all. (note: this isn’t me harping on all relationships, mostly just the ones that spring up and suddenly the two people are ~*in love*~ and thats all they can talk about).

Their has been some chatter on the Facebook, over the saying “Silence = Death”, which has had me thinking about how silence and vulnerability work together in my daily interactions with people. I often get the feeling that people don’t feel that my name and pronoun/gender are very important to me, as I don’t fight tooth and nail (not sure what that even means) to make sure that people always use the correct name or pronoun. I think that what people don’t realize, is that it takes a whole fucking lot of energy (which I don’t have) to constantly be on guard, waiting for that fuck up of theirs, so that you can fix it. I hate that I feel my silence towards people on this, feels like it is giving them permission to continue fucking up.

But my silence isn’t death, it’s helping me continue to live in an awful world where I have to have some shred of energy to continue to live.

Clearly ‘Silence = Death’ is not a new saying, but somehow I had forgotten about it. Seeing it for the first time in years, I started to look at it in less of a historical context (which feels weird to call it), but more of how visibility, death, silence, invisibility, boxes, closets, etc. all factor into this seemingly simple phrase of, Silence = Death and how all of these things are so difficult to talk about in a Queer context, as we are still learning how to communicate in a new, fabulous Queer way. I am just worried that people read this saying, say to themselves “Silence = BAD, Visibility = GOOD” and leave it at that, which is clearly very problematic for lots of folks and completely ignoring folks pasts, choices, desires, etc.

I am amazed and glad that this, from Little Light over on Feministe came up at the time it did. I think that a lot of times, we talk about things in a way that refuses to put a name to the monster that is ‘vulnerability.’ Talking about vulnerability automatically makes you vulnerable, which is often really scary, but that is something that I need to do a better job of. When I have the energy, at least.

See, I can refuse to admit vulnerability, but that won’t make me not vulnerable.  There is nothing that can do that, not even covering myself up with layers and layers of the armor we all use to get through the day and pretending away the ugly things and the hard parts of my history and everyone else’s.  This isn’t about complaining.  I’m just stating facts that are, yes, relevant to who I am, why I participate in feminism and the greater movement toward social justice, why and how and what I write and contribute.  Pretending it isn’t so forces me into a strange and inhuman position where we just posture at each other.  You’re not vulnerable, I’m not vulnerable, let’s have an abstract debate about theories, and hey, justify your feelings, and hey, little lady, the grownups are talking and why are you so upset and come back, we were just having a friendly little debate about ideas, and what do you mean this is real life for you?

This didn’t go where I wanted it to, at all. I wish that I was better at writing down my thoughts and ideas, in a way that I feel would make sense to anyone. I will ask for that for Christmas.