I find myself in this weird mood, where I feel more satisfied with short, seemingly meaningless interactions with strangers. Think, people that work at the Waffle House or the garden center. I find something about these interactions really comforting. I think that knowing that I won’t be trapped for any amount of time makes me more willing to begin those sorts of interactions. Does that make sense?
In working on this project that I’ve been working on a few years now, it’s been really draining to continually hear stories from these Queer & Trans kids who continually have the most fucked up things happen to them. It’s one thing to hear about it on the news, but to hear it from them, face to face, is something else. Then taking these conversations and continually re-living them as I talk to community members, funders, etc. is also incredibly draining. I mean, I’m not trying to compare what I feel to what they are feelings, it’s not even in the same universe, of course. On top of this, having to develop programming, budgets and all this other shit that I would rather not do, but someone has to. But, all of this is just so draining that when I’m not doing work with this project, I just want to take a break and think about nothing. Or, nothing of any… substance, at least. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the answer to why I enjoy these interactions more. When entering these situations, I know that I’m probably not going to be challenged, or need to have any sort of challenging dialogue. It’s usually talking about nail polish, or the weather, or something someone said we both heard. You know, things along those lines. I love things along these lines, they are such simple conversations, but it’s such a nice break.
Filed under: Nothing Terribly Important, Thinking Thinking | Tags: feelings, thinking, what is love, ~*love*~
Is it possible to love everything about a person (both their physical being and non-physical), but not be in-love with them? Where is that line? If this is possible, what would be keeping someone from finding themselves in-love?
I wish I had the ability to analyze what I feel, as much as I do with what I think. I feel pretty confident that I have spent time figuring out what I think and why and also how I made the journey to those thoughts. But I can’t do that with my feelings (but can any of us?). Inside my head is this weird soup of feelings and emotions that are only possible to see as one mass, impossible to separate back out. Looking at the big picture, wouldn’t the ability to analyze our feelings be more useful than our thoughts? What am I missing?
We recently got a whole lot of snow here and it has shut down the city (as it always does). I hate snow. I hate snow so much. Just knowing I can’t leave the house (not easily, at least) instantly gives me really terrible cabin fever. I ended up at Waffle House at some point, which always feels nice.
I’m going to continue talking about “that boy” as if I don’t know he reads this. I can’t, of course, necessarily write everything I would want to say, but I knew that when I gave him the link to TSF. It felt right and I still think it was a good idea, regardless of what does, or does not, come from it.
I don’t know what I want, when it comes to relationships. I have never been in a relationship, I have always avoided them. In high school, I was always ‘too gay’ for anyone to want to date me, which lead to me giving up on dating. Same story in college, but I had already given up by then so it didn’t bother me.
Anyway, I am so completely, utterly unsure of what I want in a relationship and this isn’t something I am familiar with. I don’t like it. Usually I am the one who has the answers. Usually I am the person people to come to when they need facts, or when they need an opinion from someone who usually has their head on their shoulders. But in talking with this boy about what ‘we’ are and what ‘we’may become, I just don’t know anything and I don’t know how to deal with that.
Yes, I would like to date this person. Right? I have so many questions of what that even means. But I feel like once you boil it all down, yes, dating this person would be nice.
But I can’t stop asking myself, what do I (or anyone) gain from entering into a relationship? Isn’t a relationship someone who you are really close friends with who you also have sex with? Do we need something formal to have that? Don’t we already have that right now, except that it isn’t formal? I suppose making it formal adds a layer of stability to the thing, which is nice.
Every time we talk about this, I feel like I always go in a circle. I say that yes dating/being in a relationship would be nice (and what I want), but then I start asking all these questions. If I just left off all the questions, then it would be so simple. Yes, I like you a lot and would like to date you.
I just need to go along for the ride on this one, I think. I don’t need to plan it out too much, or even think too much about it. I think if I can just stop doing that, this will be really nice.
Filed under: Interesting day, lessons learned, People to remember, Questions | Tags: kissing, talking, walking dogs
We’re at that point where we kiss goodbye.
This is fun to think about, because I remember putting so much thought into giving you the first hug goodbye. Do you remember? We had just finished walking my dog, but we were standing in front of your door for way too long, still talking. At some point I said goodbye, but we kept talking. We could both obviously feel it, but neither of us made that first move, which is silly. I mean, it’s a fucking hug, what the fuck?
But anyway, we were still talking, just standing there, so we decided to walk more. After that second walk, something changed. We both made the first move, at the same time, to hug each other goodbye. We hugged goodbye and it was really nice, but I remember wanting it to last longer. Granted… I probably wanted it to last forever, so I guess any amount of time wouldn’t have felt like enough time. Did you feel the same way?
Last night, laying in your bed, watching Buffy together was really nice. I meant to go home after Buffy, but instead we laid in your bed just talking. You talk about how you are really, really into me and you are confused about your boyfriend. We talk a little bit about that and I let you know that I am also really, really into you. I’m unsure of what that actually means, but it feels right.
You ask, somewhat rhetorically, what I see in you. All I want to do is hug you and never let you go. I know you aren’t asking in a way that is putting yourself down and I’m really happy that I can see that. I tell him some of the reasons I’m into him and it’s actually really good exercise for me. It’s easy to think these things, but having to find a way to articulate it was very challenging, which I appreciate. We both end up talking about a lot of things, going back and forth and it’s really nice. It feels like we both were very honest and I doubt we both said everything we wanted to, but we did say a lot.
Throughout the night we are kissing. Not in a sexual way necessarily, but very sweetly. We both knew it wasn’t going to lead to sex (not tonight, at least) and sometimes it’s nice to know that ahead of time.
As I leave and we are saying goodbye and hugging, we do the goodnight/goodbye kiss for the first time. Why does this feel so different from when we kiss in your room? Why does this feel so much more passionate and meaningful? Nothing has changed, we just happen to be in a different room (and we are standing up). Maybe this was just a one time thing, a product of the conversation we had previously in the night, right?
But tonight, I just left your house and we had another goodbye/goodnight kiss and it was so, so fucking nice.
I guess we’re at that point where we kiss goodbye. Having something to smile about is also really nice.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Elephant 6, Taylor swift, this weather
The winter is coming. Well, as of last night it really does feel like it’s here to stay (finally). Mentally, I’m totally ready. I’m ready for winter walks, seeing my breath in the air and the feeling of shivering reminding me I’m alive.
But practically, I’m so, so not ready. I need more gloves, hats, jackets, sweaters and pants. I really don’t have more than one of any of these things, which isn’t good.
Everything feels so good right now. I’ve been listening to music again, reading, updating this thing and being somewhat social. All of these things are really good for my mental health (some far more than others) and that’s a good thing.
Also, I recently got the Taylor Swift discography and it’s just brilliant. Jesus christ, Taylor Swift is just so perfect and I think about that a lot more than I probably should. But, aside from that, I’ve also been revisiting a lot of the old Elephant 6 discography and their are so, so many good albums that I had forgotten about. I’m so excited to be rediscovering them.
Filed under: Country Music, Interesting day, People to remember, Southern life | Tags: armpits, boys, kissing, trainyards
“What do you want to do” I ask, as we have just finished walking my dog but both can feel that we want to be with each other for the rest of the night.
“I don’t know, I don’t care” you respond. I have found in the short time we have known each other that you frequently don’t have any idea of what you want to do when we are together. Is this because you are indecisive, or is it because you don’t care what we do, because you just want to be with me, regardless of what we are doing? I get the feeling it’s a mixture of both, but maybe more of the latter.
“Okay, I’m going to take you to one of my favorite spots in town. No… it actually might be my favorite, I’ve never taken anyone there before” I respond. You smile in that way that I love. It’s the same smile that a child would have when you told them they were going to Disneyland, or when you told them you got them a Furby. It’s a smile of pure joy, not tainted by any other thoughts or agendas. It’s a smile that you wear and somehow you aren’t afraid to share it with me. Why does it always seem like the walls you have built around yourself are so much smaller and less dense than mine? Before I met you, I would never, never imagine giving anyone that sort of smile. I would always, always be too afraid of showing too many of my cards. I could’t let the other person know that I was that happy, it would make me too vulnerable But with you… with you that’s changing. I’ve seen that smile in you and a few times you’ve seen that smile on me. Have you noticed? Have you even noticed that I frequently let my walls down for you? If you haven’t noticed, maybe that’s for the best. But if you have, I appreciate that you haven’t yet taken advantage of me. I hope you never do, it might destroy me.
You don’t ask me any more questions about where we are going, you simply get in my truck and we start to drive. I take you across the river and we take an exit that doesn’t seem to lead anywhere of any interest, but you still don’t ask any questions. You trust me.
The whole time we are driving, we talk about our lives, our pasts and our futures. You claim to not know where you are going in life, but I get the feeling that you do, you just don’t want to think about it. In the background the mix cd that I made for you is playing. You ended up really enjoying the country songs I put on there, which is funny because I debated putting them on there in the first place. Another nice surprise.
We continue driving to my favorite spot and you still don’t ask any questions, although I can tell you want to. We take our exit and drive down several side streets, most are very dark because the street lights have been shot out. We park in the parking lot of a big big warehouse that is right on the railroad tracks, because they make something that has to travel by train.
You finally realize that where I’ve taken you is to the very edge of the big train yard in town. As far as I know, we are as close as we can be without getting harassed by the bulls. We talk about how I found this place, how the one time I hopped a train anywhere it was from this very spot. I had plans to go to Memphis, but I got too scared so I just rode the train a mile down the track and then walked back. I was really lucky that it had to slow down, I’m not sure what would have happened if I had made it to Memphis.
We lay the blanket down in the grass that we have brought and make ourselves comfortable, almost as if we are preparing to watch a show, although their will never be anything we are specifically watching. It’s just nice to watch all the people and trains go by, wondering where they are going, wondering where they’ve been.
It’s a really chilly night, but the air is so dry we don’t have to worry about the grass being wet, which is nice. It’s cold and we are both bundled up, but we still find it necessary to hold each other. We both say out loud that we need to do this to stay warm, but we both know that we are hurting and holding each other is the only thing that can make it better. There we are, bundled up, shivering as one, watching our breath, watching the trains, watching each other. We are still talking, but we know that if we stopped talking, the deafening silence wouldn’t be something to fear. You make me feel so comfortable that I don’t mind those silent moments.
You start to hum and I immediately recognize the song you are humming and I start to sing along. It’s a song that we both know very well. But what does this song represent for you? Do you somehow know that this is one of my favorite songs to listen to and sing along with when I’m feeling lost? Is it a coincidence, or do you somehow know this?
After sitting and watching the trains for an hour, we decide to go back to my truck. We start kissing and it’s so fucking nice. Our innocent kissing turns into making out and we both start taking turns devouring each other’s ears and neck, both of our sensitive spots (although, I shiver and scream every time you touch mine, I’ve already assured you that these are good, good things though). Honey, our necks are going to be torn up in the morning, but that’s not a worry of ours right now. We’ll figure that out tomorrow, for now, we are very, very caught up in this moment. As I’m heavily breathing into your ear, I whisper that I want to be your 17th. You yelp “yes” and it seems like we are instantly naked.
This is the first time we’ve seen each other with our shirts off, much less naked. I take a second to look at you and tell you that you’re fucking beautiful before we start making out again. I’m moving down your body, licking and biting every inch of skin I can get my mouth on. When I get to your hip bones, you loose control and start shivering… we obviously have the exact same sensitive spot(s). I make a mental note, I will certainly have to visit those spots again.
I make my way to your dick and oh lord honey, it’s been so, so long since I’ve a dick in my mouth. You moan and I’m so happy because you aren’t one of those queens who refuses to make any noise during sex, lord knows I’m not quiet. I suck your dick for a while and take frequent breaks to jerk you off and stare into your eyes. I love sucking your dick and hearing you enjoy it, but I want to see you. I want to be able to look into your eyes and see you give me that look that I love so, so much. You push me over and now you’re licking and biting my body and you make your way to my dick. I love it, but it feels so impersonal. I want to be able to look into your eyes, it’s all about the eyes.
We switch again and I’m sitting in your lap and we are both jerking off, starting into each others eyes, making out and kissing and sucking on every inch of each others bodies we can get our mouths on. I lift up your arm and bury my nose into your armpit and I nearly loose myself in your smell. You’re ticklish and start to laugh, but I never, ever want to leave. You’ve never been with a self identified armpit queen, it’s clear you are interested and that’s something we’ll have to talk about later. After I pull away I can still smell you on my face and I wish that smell never leaves my face.
We continue to jerk off, make out and eventually we both cum onto your furry tummy and chest. I move down to the floor and make sure to eat every single drop, making sure to spend some time on those sensitive spots of yours. Once I’m done licking you clean we continue to make out, less sexually, more passionately (which is just as good). We lay there together, still naked, for what seems like forever. Even though it’s cold, our bodies are sweating everywhere we touch and we are both dripping with sweat. No one will ever drive by us, so we don’t feel any rush to leave. We stay there a while and it’s been a long, long time since we’ve been able to see any trains outside our foggy windows, but we can still hear them. I’m resting my head on your chest listening to your heat beat and you breathe, while also listening to the rains rolling by outside our window. We don’t talk, but we don’t need to. I want to stay here forever, but we both know we have to leave, sooner than later.
We whisper to each other, but we don’t know why we are whispering. We talk about how much we like each other and how much fun we just had, and while these aren’t secrets, we both feel that if we say them too loud, somehow they will be able to leave the cab of my truck and get lost with all the sounds of the trains. If we whisper, we know the’ll stay with us.
We get dressed again and I drive to my house. You decide to stay over at my place and I couldn’t be happier. We both strip down once agan and crawl into my bed and after a kiss, we are both falling asleep. For a brief moment I realize that I can still smell your armpits on my face and realizing that makes me smile and then I’m dreaming. As we both are waking up, you whisper ”Thanks” into my ear and I don’t need anything else. Somehow you managed to say so much with just one word. I don’t respond, but I know you don’t need me to.
You leave my house and we both go about our day. We are both having regular, average days, but we both spend the entire day with a smile. I spend all day thinking about you and last night, I am pretty sure you did the same.